Howard Dean Makes Obligatory Monthly Statement

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean made his monthly derogatory comment Monday concerning the War in Iraq. Dean told a San Antonio radio station that the idea Americans can win the War in Iraq is "just plain wrong." He went on to relate this current United States quagmire with the Vietnam War (good one Dean, hadn't heard that one before) and said that the only way to end this struggle is to embrace a "retreat and defeat" strategy. The Daily Scoffer sat down with DNC Chairman Dean early today to discuss his recent comments.

TDS "Mr. Dean, it is nice to finally be able to speak with you. Thank you for agreeing to participate in this interview."

Dean "The pleasure is all mine, actually. Your internet publication is the finest this side of the Danube!"

TDS "Thats very kind of you considering we insult your mother privately ever morning."

Dean "What..Excuse me?"

TDS "Nevermind, lets get to the comment. So you are taking a novel approach as a Democrat and only criticizing the War as opposed to offering any viable solutions...Correct?"

Dean "Well, you see, one thing many Americans do not know is that as a card carrying member of the DNC we can only complain erroneously and not make any actual credible comments. I guess you could say it's our bag."

TDS "Fair enough. You also made a very novel connection between the War in Iraq and a past American military struggle in Vietnam. Explain."

Dean "I've been watching the news lately and noticed that all of the talking heads have failed to make the connection between this war and Vietnam. I thinks its pretty clever of me to make such a wise relation between the two."

TDS "Your mother is a very promiscuous woman. How do you feel about that?"

Dean "I'm sorry did you just say my mother was a whor.."

TDS "Mr. Dean, your mother's sexual behavior is neither here nor there...Lets continue. What about your strategy 'retreat and defeat?' Can you discuss that one?"

Dean "I think everyone would agree that after my amazing performance in the 2004 election that I am the resident expert on losing a battle. I mean, did you see my performance down the stretch? I just want to put my own personal experience to work and help resolve this problem in Iraq."

TDS "Mr. Dean, it has been a pleasure discussing this issue with you. Thank you for your time. Please give your mother our regards. That's all for now. Good Bye!"

The Scoffer Political Minute

Top Stories:

-After much consideration George W. Bush has decided that the United States should "stay the course" in Iraq. This flies in the face of his previous stance of "not letting the terrorists win".

-Scotter Libby will has changed his name to Segway Libby to try and distance himself from the recent Valerie Plame controversy.

-Update: Everybody still hates Dick Cheney.

-DNC chair Howard Dean announced that dems have narrowed down the options for their 2008 slogan to two finalists: "Better than the Libertarians" and "One Party, Zero Spine".

Please stay tuned for more news as it breaks.

Dora the Explorer and Bob the Builder Join Forces To Create Frank the Out-of-Wedlock Child

Love Burnin' Loaf

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm one heck of a Meatloaf fan. No, not the kind your mother used to make for me on Sunday mornings, but the singer guy. Some of you might know him better as Bob from Fight Club. Whatever your reference is, he freakin' rocks. I was listeneing to his greatest hit collection last night( it only has 1 song) and I began to ask myself..."What won't he do for love??????" This question has been burning through the deepest caverns of my loins for many hours now. I feel compelled to share my list of things that I believe that Mr. Loaf won't do for love. Here they are:

1. Dip Oreos in Karl Rove's milkshake.
2. Have "Captain and Tennille" tatoo laser removed from right buttock.
3. Legally change name to "Pot Roast."
4. Sell soul for Dr. Pepper commercial(damn, already did that!)
5. Accept President Bush's nomination for Supreme Court Justice.
6. Sell his financial stake in Corn Futures.
7. Publically condemn Iran for anti-semitic comments. "Hey man, the Loaf don't judge."
8. Explain why objects in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they are.

Please feel free to personally ponder your own ideas of things Mr. Loaf just will not do for love. Ciao.

Pat Robertson Prefers To "Take Out" South American Dictators And "Assassinate" Chinese Food

Israeli Forces "Pull-Out" Of Gaza Strip, Narrowly Escaping One Of The Most Awkward Pregnancies In History

In other news, prophylactic sales in the West Bank drastically increase.

Business at Gaza Starbucks Down 99% in 2 Days

Investors on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE)were scrambling today amidst news that Starbucks will miss Q3 earnings expectations due to a sharp decline in stores on the Gaza Strip, surprisingly one of the company's most important regions. "We are freakin over here even though Starbucks trades on NASDAQ," one trader said, "that just shows how big this is and how touchy we are." Investors across the globe are scrambling to sell their calls, buy their puts and cover their shorts. David Tzur, analyst for CitiGroup, called the decline in Starbucks sales "by far the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis." Several Jewish settlers interviewed by The Scoffer seemed to think that the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis was the loss of their homes and Biblically promised birthrite.

In other news Cindy Sheehan is still the hottest chick on Fox News. (Sorry Greta)

Dave Merriman stuns legal community...

In the midst of a thrilling legal discussion at the local Chattanooga Ankar's restaurant, David Merriman, Jr. of Harrison, Tennessee casually dropped the "Writ of Jurisprudence" with a blatant disregard for any relativity to the conversation or actual knowledge of the aforementioned writ.

Raffy Comes Clean

Less than a week since the first stories of the alleged Palmeiro steroid scandal broke, the Baltimore Oriole's First Baseman has decided to end all speculation and come clean on the issue exclusively to The Daily Scoffer. "Ok, ok, you got me...MLB got me and now I'm, well, just a little screwed," Palmeiro stated late Wednesday night. He went on to say "it's a sad day when a grown man, a professional athlete at that, can't take a bit of the juice and not have anything to worry about. For the love of professional curling, I'm almost 41 years old...How the hell did you think I was still able to get out of bed in the morning and still compete with guys half my age?" About half way through the interview, conducted by TDS' own Boog Rector, a well respected journalist and personal friend of Rafael, Mr. Palmeiro decided to admit to a few other items of speculation in his life, albeit somewhat less interesting than the stanozolol topic. "Yes, I admit it, I like Kelly Clarkson, no, no, I love Kelly Clarkson. (singing) Since you've been gone, yeah, yeah, I can breathe for the first time....I'm so moving on, yeah, yeah. I mean seriously, that song is awesome. You wanna know what else, I don't wash my hands after using the bathroom and I voted for Al Gore. So there you go, put that in your pipe and smoke it." Mr. Palmeiro went on to admit numerous other personal items, most of which were rather disturbing. TDS has chosen to print the following list of admissions by Mr. Palmeiro only under extreme warning to the readers:

1. Subscribes to "German Horse Porn" Monthly
2. Dips Oreos in orange juice
3. Watches "The Situation" with Tucker Carlson
4. Bathes in jell-o
5. Owns every single copy of the "Hardy Boys"
6. Went on tour with Barry Manilow from 1987-89

The list goes on but we fell that the above is more than enough for you to make your own opinion of good ol' Raffy.

Latest Summer Fashion

KN03Uzz
Originally uploaded by loftindupuis.

Scranton, New Jersey's "School for the Color Blind and Fashion Design" recently released their Summer 2005 Fashion Collection. This urbane young man is wearing the flagship outfit.

Iraqis Elect Kurd

Whey leader demands recount.

Note To Self...

The Good Shepherd
Originally uploaded by D LeRoy.

Never trade car for Yak coat and thin wooden stick.

Sea World's Newest Attraction

P1030710
Originally uploaded by Rob Bavey.

"Yes, I'd like four tickets to the show where the killer whales actually come into the audience, please. What, I get a free seal pup costume with every four ticket purchase...sweet."

Taking The Road Less Traveled Kinda Sucks Without A Car

...
Originally uploaded by Bright Green Pants.

Area Roommate Tired Of Being Called "Flatmate"

David Bryson, roommate of Carl Winslow, has had it with his roommates new found obsession with the British vernacular the Scoffer has learned. "His freakin girlfriend made him watch some Hugh Grant movie and now I am his flatmate and he keeps asking me if I want to go "tip a pint", Bryson reports. When asked what he was going to do about it Bryson said he will take Winslow mother, Dorothy Winslow, out for a nice fish and chips dinner then never call her again.

Best Prom Ever!

indeed
Originally uploaded by flannelmouthed.

The UPS truck Lance 'borrowed' from his dad would have made a sweet entrance had he decided to use the actual road instead of the grassy hill...but oh well, at least he made up for his driving shortcomings by giving his date the coolest gift ever. Nothing says 'Here's to the Best Night of Our Young Lives Thusfar' like portable sewing equipment. Lance Green...a real American Hero!

Writers Block Unacceptable Excuse For Factory Worker's Decreased Productivity

Mid Tournament Sponsor Rocks NCAA Hoops

Just days before the continuation of 2005's March Madness and the beginning of the Sweet Sixteen, NCAA Chairperson Nadia Bakersfield announced on Wednesday that Chang's House of Chinese Food will sponsor the duration of the tournament. The Topeka, Kansas based hot-spot approached Ms. Bakersfield months before the tournament began with the idea of naming each round after a favorite Chinese dish. "Basketball and all-you-can eat Orange chicken, what more can you ask for," Mr. Sammy Chang, owner of Chang's House of Chinese Food, told The Daily Scoffer. After months of persuasion and free Chinese food via overnight FED EX, Ms. Bakersfield finally decided to pull the trigger on the idea. "It's just too steamy of a concept to pass up," she announced in the Wednesday press conference. So here it is folks, for the rest of the tourney, the rounds will be named as follows:

"Sweet and Sour Pork with Snow Peas" Sixteen
"Moo Goo Gai Pan" Eight
"General Tso's Chicken" Four
"Mongolian Hot Pot with Tofu and Water Chestnuts" Championship Game

Mr. Chang states that all tickets sold to the final game can be redeemed for a free soft-serve ice cream cone at any of his many locations across the country. Enjoy!

Out of Retirement...

SPA Bob
Originally uploaded by Rob Lee.

In response to the latest Social Security scare, former Senator Strom Thurmond has decided to come out of retirement and become the new Mascot for the Washington Nationals

Irish Circus

Team MobileMoney #2
Originally uploaded by drwelzel.

We are ready to be shot out of the cannon sirs....

Iraqi air patrols

FighterHistoryInFlight
Originally uploaded by Muck N Fiddle.

A U.S. F-14 flys along with the new Iraqi airforce.

Congress Focuses On The Really Important Stuff

After seemingly endless sessions of wasting time on inconsequential matters (budget, yawn) congress finally got down to business yesterday by tackling the issue most important to rank and file Americans: millionaires doing drugs. The panel of our elected officials that are spearheading the investigation brought together baseballs most beloved hero's to try and prove to America that it is the players, not the balls that are juiced. Most of the proceeding went off without much in the way of fireworks, with the exception of having to stop the proceeding for one player who could not speak English. Once someone translated for Jose Canseco the questioning turned to Sammy Sosa who denies ever using the drug. The only player who did not deny using steroids (with the exception of Canseco, who was eating an anoboli-burger) was Mark McGuire. When asked about steroid use McGuire would only say "I am not here to talk about the past, I am only here to remind you all that my wife is hotter than any of yours."

Next up on the Congressional docket is an investigation into the tomato, fruit or vegetable? Senator Barbara Boxer explains, "We don't really know what the hell to do about Iraq, social security, Medicare or AIDS so we are going to stick to stuff where we get to be on t.v. and meet sports stars."

"Meet Me at the Rally" Skyrockets to Top of Lebanese Pop Charts

"Meet Me at the Rally", sung by Haboob and the Boobettes, has broken all records for single-week record sales in Lebanon, as it continues to dominate the Lebanese pop music charts for a third straight week.

The hit, wildly popular with young Lebanese, has been translated below for the benefit of the culturally minded among the Scoffer readership:

"Meet Me at the Rally"

Meet me at the rally,
There'll be some nice coffee for all,
When the muezzin calls out the adhan,
I'll be where the Syrians once were.

The rally is where my heart is,
Where all of my hopes have coalesced.
Oh, here where the nation is pulsing,
Can't you feel Lebanon's strength returning?

Sweet-breath'd Lebanon, famous of old,
Now famous again, but for freedom this time;
Meet me at the rally,
We'll tear our grandfathers' fears up in laughter!

Call out, muezzin, your adhan,
For today we all are listening-
Meet me at the rally, Lebanon,
Today is the day we were born!

(copyright Haboob, A.H. 1426)

Palestinians Hire Full Brass Band to Beseige Jericho

Ode To PUD

Sung to the tune of 'Home, Home on the Range'.

Home, home on the PUD
Where John is dreaming of suds
Where Minesweeper is played,
And everyone is late,
And the breakroom is gathering crud.

O PUD, o sweet PUD o' mine,
Where Pop spends most of his time
Where Lori's stamps are not safe
Where the hallways are taped
With Steve's pictures of jobs going fine.

Hooray PUD!

Home, Home on the PUD,
Where Tiny means large with a beard
When Jack is a Lifestyle
And John's hair is so wild-
For me, I can't help but cheer!

Life, Life on the PUD,
My liver yearns for relief,
But beer in the kitchen
And rock-shots I aint missin-
Pop or Steve, who's the chief?

HIP-HIP-HOORAY!

Home, home on the PUD
Where the Jack and Coke flows like a flood
Keep the client's half loaded
So when jobs are quoted
They will be drunk until after they sign...

PUD o Sweet PUD of mine
Where a square foot costs only a dime
You can loaf, sleep and meander,
grope, curse and slander
Just make sure you're at Outback by nine


Drunk like a fox.....(wink)

Jose Canseco Testifies before Congress that he "Did it All for Lebanese Independence"

Study Finds Fewer Americans being Wary of the Ides of March

March Madness No Laughing Matter At Pleasant Valley Psychiatric Home

"Color Me Bad" Press Conference

The music world was in a frenzy late Sunday night when former pop heavyweights 'Color Me Bad" announced a surprise Press Conference for Monday morning at a New York City hotel. Speculations flew rampant...where they getting back together...a new album...no one knew exactly what the outcome would be. Bryan Abrams, Mark Calderon, Sam Watters and Kevin Thornton slowly approached the podium in a room filled with journalists and reporters. "Good Morning everyone, as many of you well know, we are 'Color Me Bad.' You might remember us from the early nineties with such hits as 'I Wanna Sex You Up' and 'I Adore Mi Amore', well, we'd just like to take this opportunity to announce that we have no plans whatsoever of reuniting and we collectively think that it is best for all involved if we never, ever, release another album," quasi front man Sam Watters spoke. Well, you heard it hear first readers, no more 'Color Me Bad'. Please excuse me while I squirt something fierce. Good Day!

Monty Python finally crosses into the Orient

Originally uploaded by PatWat.

Yokohama CEO Nitaki Honshui was not impressed by the Talnet Show portion of Employee Appreciation Day last Friday

Mattress Ali Declares Fatwah On High Prices

Some say that western culture an values will never take hold in the middle east, but the American love for factory direct prices appears to be taking root in Baghdad. Hussein Atalli, better known as Mattress Ali, has declared that his Sadr City mattress factory and warehouse has declared a Fatwah on retail markups and Jihad against the middle man. "Bin Laden says that Americans are the great satan, but I know that name brand furniture stores are the real evil." Atalli proclaims on his t.v. commercial, "and anyone who doesn't shop Mattress Ali's first is the real infidel." Local clerics say that while they find Atalli slightly offensive the real offense is middle man markups.

Cousin Eddie speaks of Recreational Vehicle Waste Storage...

cousin_eddie2
Originally uploaded by begonia44.

"You see Clark, it'll hold more than you think...at least 25 Big Grumpies."

Our 'Sponsors' Smooch Rhino Choad--

Please do not patronize them under any circumstances (the sponsors, that is, not the rhinos.)

Lebanon Stockpiling Hotties

Recent news reports from Syria-occupied Lebanon have revealed a disturbing fact--Lebanon has secretly been stockpiling Middle Eastern hotties for what appears to have been dozens of years.

Footage of anti-Syrian rallies taking place in Lebanon clearly shows scores of exceptionally fetching lasses tossing their lovely brown hair and charmingly chanting pro-democracy slogans. Political scientists worldwide are stunned by the revelation, and promise to travel to the region in order to study the phenomenon directly. And in related news, military recruiting stations across the United States were flooded with calls from young men volunteering to travel to Lebanon in support of the cause.

"Such an outpouring of activism from our nation's youth is truly an uplifting sign," said Secretary of the Army Howie 'Howitzer' Jones. "I, too, have decided to join these young men on their journey to Lebanon, and am moving Army operations headquarters to a quaint little coffee shop located on a Lebanese side street near the local women's college. It's the least I can do."

When Lebanese men were asked what they thought of decades of Syrian oppression, a staggering ninety-eight percent responded that they hadn't really noticed.

Syrian Dictator Assad Finally Realizes, 'Oh, I Really DO Suck, Don't I?'

Non-Profit Stocks Hold Steady at Zero Cents a Share

Mr. Smith finally had enough of the new guy taking his prime parking spot...

cars
Originally uploaded by Marika.

Hey Baby....

reval
Originally uploaded by djfreshmoney.

Can I buy you a fish sandwich?

Who Is Spotting Who?

How many times have you been in the gym, and noticed a couple of scrawny, probably Canadian, guys over on the Bench Press with what appears to be an excessive amount of weight? Then you see one of the guys lift and realize the spotter has a tight grip on the bar and appears to be straining. What is going on here? Is the guy on the bench getting spotted, or is he actually the spotter and the guy standing is really doing dead lifts? This is a question that intrigued Dr. Harry DuMass of the Harvard Institute of Exercise and Health Studies (HIEHS). Dr. DuMass recently released the data from a nationwide study he conducted in conjunction with two well know nation wide gyms; The House of Power and Silvers.

Dr. Dumass was quoted as saying, “The results here were astonishing.” Out of all of the people studied, a remarkable 92% claim to not have realized that a guy standing over them straining as he pulls on the bar actually made the press easier and therefore less effective. Out of this 92% a stunning 68% were either Canadian or descendents of Canadians. Dr. DuMass was unsure what these results showed, however he did promise to conduct further studies to see if there was any real correlation between Canadians and bad work out technique.

Baseball future Hall of Famer and Icon Jose Canseco did read the study results and was shocked. He was quoted as saying, “What is wrong with these people? Have they not read my book? They need to quit cheating and have a couple of “Jose Shakes” a day." Jose did not elaborate on what exactly a “Jose Shake” is, but it is believed to possibly contain “performance enhancing supplements”.

While visiting one of the gyms used in the survey, I was able to interview a man that would only state his name as “Box”. Box claimed that he was not sure about how many people were cheating on the ole bench press, but he claimed to have had is eye on the “Guy in the Iowa Shirt” for some time now.

Dr. DuMass unfortunately was unable to report any other statistics from his study. He claims that he is still trying to figure out exactly what it was he was trying to figure out in the first place. However, with spring break approaching for many college students, Dr. DuMass did want to publish a quick workout plan for those idiots who think one week is plenty of time to get in shape for the beach. The workout plan consists of the following exercises:

1. Trampoline Bench Press. (Yes this is the one where you bounce the weight off your chest like a trampoline)

2. Simulated Squats. (Yes this is the one where you load up the bar with tons of weight and then realize it is way to heavy to go down more then an inch)

3. Way to Heavy Shrugs. (This is where you put like 500 pounds on the bar and try to shrug it, but all you are able to do is yell real loud)

4. Lower Back Curls. (This is where you load up the curl bar with way more weight then you can actually curl, instead of lowering the weight, you just swing hard enough to hit a home run with out steroids. Surprisingly, this works your lower back, not your biceps.

5. Run Backwards on the Treadmill. (Not exactly sure what this one does, but if you are dumb enough to try the others, why not this one too?)

Be sure to check back often for updates from Dr. DuMass. As soon as he releases further results, the Daily Scoffer will have them for you.

Oh well....

paris_hilton
Originally uploaded by krazykoolgirl12.

It was a good run, but being the only web-site on the net not to have a picture of Paris Hilton on it was starting to bring us down.....

Always the accomodating host....

sizzlepee1
Originally uploaded by RATIO.

Even the tiniest sleepover guest can comfortably break the seal at the Neverland Ranch...

Fashion Police Most Wanted

While wondering the streets of Prague one windsome summers eve I could not help but notice that the local types were apparently not very well versed in the finer points of fashion. We here at the Daily Scoffer believe in pointing out other peoples flaws for our own enjoyment so here are some of the most grievous errors:

1. The leather baseball cap (extra armor all)
2. Collar-less button down w/ capri sleeves
3. Pleaded jeans, stonewashed and tightrolled. (if worn with by
A.C. Slater these are ok)
4. Stirrup Pants
5. Braided belts
6. Hearts on sleeve
7. Bolo tie (other than at ranch employee appreciation dinner)
8. Female Body Inspector T-shirt
9. Checker Board Slip on sneakers
10.Penny loafers with penny
11.Fanny Pack, unless you have a sweet fanny then anything goes
12.Baja jacket

Former Klan Member Lectures Bush on Affinities with Hitler

Byrd
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

Look not on the fact that when I was a young man
I was a card-carrying member of the Ku Klan Klan
For it only distracts from the issue at hand:
That George W. Bush is a Nazi.

By 'Nazi' I mean fascist, bigoted hypocrite
Which is not what I was when I was in the thick of it
Back in the old West Virginia Klan syndicate;
Thank goodness my record is clean.

I'm a fly in the chamber from a backwater province
But I stand up to all of those bigger state sovereigns
With a long filibuster that clogs up the governance
Of this country, crawling with racists.

Yes, Georgie is Hitler, and Cheney is Goering
Don't you admire my cunning and daring
In saying such things while my cronies are chairing
The only body in the world that would listen to me?

Overheard at Oscar Afterparties

While the Scoffer staff got the usual snuberoo from this years hot Oscar after parties, we do know a guy who has a cousin who is stalking Katherine Manhiem, and here is some stuff he overheard from Elton Johns dumbwaiter...

Chris Rock "Rectum? I damn near killed em!"

Paris Hilton "Wasn't it hot how I got everyone's phone numbers on the internet?"

David Scwhimmer "Where are the Bartlett and James?"

Pauly Shore "Excuse me ma'am, would you care for some more wine?" (get it? he was working at the party because he is not a very successful actor. Snap!)

Damon Wayans "Yeah thats right, taught Foxx everything he knows..."

Peebo Brison "Did you guys check out that Aladdin sound track? Pretty tight right?"

Jude Law "Did Lowell from Wings really win an Oscar? What the hell is going on?"

Ice-Cube "Where are the sugar sandwhiches?"

Ashley Olsen "Which way to the purging station?"

Ashlee Simpson "Do I suck or what?!"

Recently Weaned Infant Tells Mom, 'Thanks for the Mammaries'

Countdown

Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"T-minus one minute to
YAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!"

"Would one of you children be so kind as to bring me one hundred glasses of lemonade?"

r1017823741
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

Barry Bonds Discovers Powerful New Form of Logic

"YES, I knowingly and unlawfully took steroids.

"BUT, I am black and Babe Ruth was not.

"THEREFORE, I did not knowingly and unlawfully take steroids."

{We encourage younger Scoffer readers to use this rhetorical tool in order to enlighten their benighted parents.}

Weekend Forecast: 100% Chance of Lefts!

Looking for something repetitive to do this weekend? Jonesing to see some fossil fuels consumed? Tired of all those right turns? Well boy are you in luck! Join millions of other southern and Midwestern American males ages 18-34 and tune in the Auto Club California 500. Not only will you see the limits of automotive technology pushed to the limits as teams spend millions to run like so many hamsters in a wheel 500 miles only to end up where they started, but no less than 64,000 left turns are guaranteed or your money back. If you really want a thrill you could attend the event (not recommended for minorities)where many unattractive females will be wearing (or not) tank tops and cutoff shorts. In addition, you can get a lite beer for $72.50. Coming on Monday: large dudes+small shorts+pretend fighting=GOOD TIMES!

Prom Season 2005

Happy birthday smile from the past
Originally uploaded by bulldog1.

Don't wait till the last mintue to ask that special lady...you might not like who's left the day before the dance!

Bathing Beauties

It is not very often that I am excited to go to my mailbox and see what's inside. Normally it's the same stuff everyone else gets on a monthly basis...Jelly of the Month Club Dues, Funeral Home Coupons, Nigerian Yellow Cake, Ten Cases of Cabo Wabo tequila, you know, the usual suspects. But this month was different, way different. For you see, every year since 1678 Sports Illustrated has teamed up with some of the worlds hottest women to create a swimsuit edition of its magazine, and this year's installment was par for the course. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the ladies, they really rev my big block, but during this age of political correctness, I think it's time for SI to enter the 21st Century. Other than the typical blonde, big-breasted harlots that we see year after year, I'm proposing that we get a little diversity for next years issue. I'm confident you would all agree that Janet Reno would make a lovely cover girl. Sure she has massive stretch marks from her first pregnancy, but its nothing a little cocoa butter and mederma wont cure. Or maybe your toes curl for a different beauty, say Camryn Manheim from The Practice or the Vice President's little dirrty-legg Lynn Cheney. My personal favorite is the Queen Mum herself, what I wouldn't give to see her...uhh nevermind. Whomever its is, I urge, no I implore you to write your local congress person and demand that they make next years SI Swimsuit issue one for the ages!

Study: 46% of iPod Wearers Listening to Nothing

In a study released today by the American Institute of useless and Wasteful Studies (AIUWS) it has been revealed that 46% of iPod owners use their iPod as only a fashion accessory and never listen to music on the device. Even more shocking 15% of owners don't even know it plays music, they just bought it because it was a cheaper way to look cool than other way to look cool, a Louis Vuitton tophat. Among the 54% that do listen to music on their iPods the AIUWS study showed that 14% listen to Nickelback, Trapt, Ashlee Simpson or some combination of the three. To this segment it is the recommendation of the Daily Scoffer that they join the 46% not listing to anything.

Campaign to Change Names of Sports Teams Picks Up Steam

NBC and CNN, in a partnership designed to promote a climate of fear and apprehension among the American viewing population, announced today that their initial efforts to persuade sports team owners to change team names has met with unexpected levels of success.

Some examples of the changes, which affect all major sports leagues, are:

* Miami Dolph Lundgrens

* Washington Senators and Congressmen (new team)

* Philadelphia Phillies and Indianapolis Colts merge to produce Colts and Fillies (positively scandalous!)

* San Antonio Spores

* Chicago Carbs

* Buffalo Three-Dollar Bills

* Phoenix Sunspots

* Minnesota Vikings (no change--Vikings are already really scary)

* Baltimore Cravens

* Green Bay Hackers

* New York Gnats

* L.A. Draft Dodgers

* Pittsburgh Intellectual Property Piracy

* Cincinnati Red Menace

The Daily Scoffer will keep readers informed as new teams are added to the list.

In the meantime, whether you're watching sports on TV or attending a sporting event in person, the most important thing to remember is to be very afraid. It's your civic duty.

Shocking Snapshot of the Handiwork of the World's Most Incompetent Dentist

r1535729024
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

Scoffer Lifestyles

bb_president
Originally uploaded by Marathon City.

...and the Women's Wife-beater Award goes to...

Bush in Brussels

r2496884261-1
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Heh heh... umm, I don't remember Elton John having been elected prime minister of Belgium. Well, maybe I'd better not bring up any gay marriage business. Durn--now I wish I'd gone with Laura and the kids to see that 'Lion King' movie a while back."

Bush in Brussels

r58919833
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Man, this place is creepy. No wonder these Europeans are all completely loo-loo."

Bush in Brussels

r319674513
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Psst... hey lady... in case they ask, which one is Latvia again?"

Bush in Brussels

lthumb.nato13702221454.belgium_bush_nato_summit_nato137
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Well, I'll be... The Prime Minister of Luxembourg is a daggone ghost. I'll have to tell Laura about this."

Bush in Brussels

r943208057
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, I have big ears."

Bush in Brussels

r4284627262
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Pretty flags, make George happy..."

Bush in Brussels

lthumb.beld11502221512.bush_us_nato_beld115
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Seriously, that durned walleye was this big!"

Bush in Brussels

lthumb.sge.mtl34.220205130517.photo00.photo.default-337x384
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

"Hey, does Camilla Parker-Bowles have a sister?"

John Negroponte's List of Most Surprising Things about his New Job

Thanks to plants deep within the United States' intelligence network (mainly rhododendron and ficus, if you must know), The Daily Scoffer has obtained a list drawn up by recently-appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte of some things that most surprised him during his first few days on the job. Here is the list in totum:

1. Intelligence Czar spends most of his time buying Yuban and apple fritters for office staff.

2. CIA operations are funded almost exclusively by auctioning off signed rookie cards of Afghani warlords.

3. All the nameplates on doors and desks are blank.

4. At the daily briefing, President Bush skims over the 20-page intelligence report and then starts asking if Kim Jong-Il has any of the 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People'.

5. Operation Smallpox Neckties for Middle Management is going to be a PR nightmare, I can just feel it.

6. The most requested aliases are '007', 'Kurt Schilling', 'Ike Turner', and 'John Negroponte'.

7. Being called 'czar' of anything goes straight to one's head. I'm jonesing for a samovar and some lowly villeins and serfs to kick around.

8. Seriously, nobody knows anything.

Well, there you have it, fellow Scoffers. Thanks are due to the brave fici and rhodonendroi who made this exposé possible. Extra water rations all around...

Washington, Lincoln Descendants Duke it out on Washington Mall

Descendants of America's first president, George Washington, and her sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln, gathered on the Mall in Washington today to celebrate the (approximate) birthdays of the two men widely regarded as this country's greatest chief executives.

But things turned sour when some elements on both sides began taunting one another; within minutes, a free-for-all fisticuff had broken out, sending women and children fleeing from the raucus fray.

As one eyewitness described it, "Well, I was just minding my own business, having some Lincoln pecan log and some Gettysburg gravy, when this Washington-descended clown starts aping on Abe, saying, 'Hey, is it Knob Creek, Illinois, or Knob Creek, Kentucky? Which is it, punk?' I thought he was acting outrageously, but I let it slide. However, more and more people started chiming in, and I finally had enough so I dumped my Gettysburg gravy all over the offending group. Well, I guess we could call that the 'Mrs. O'Leary's cow' of the situation. From there, things got pretty ugly pretty quickly. It was Hobbesian in there, I tell you."

Among the insults hurled back and forth were, "Washington wore tight britches", "Lincoln kept a flask in his stovepipe hat", "Mary Todd was a loony wench", "Martha Washington was a slave-driving hussy", and, "How hard is it to cross the Deleware if other people are doing all the rowing?".

Despite this outburst of hyper-attenuated family pride, The Daily Scoffer hopes that everyone will have a happy and non-partisan Presidents' Day.

(Ed. Note: Please join us on the Mall next month for the annual "Grant and Lee Descendants' Reunion", which is always a rip-roaring good time.)

The Newest Diet Craze: Avoiding Intolerant Lactose

While many of us have heard of, or may even be suffering from, lactose intolerance, it seems that there is an even more sinister lactose-related phenomenon on the rise, known colloquially as 'intolerant lactose'.

Intolerant lactose can frequently be overheard saying unflattering things about others who are different; for example, intolerant lactose often says things such as, "Have you herd? Dairy is for studs--poultry clucks eggs", "Fructose and sucrose are literally for fruitcakes", and "All Muslims are terrorists".

Nutritionists and other dietary scientists are advising all Americans to steer clear of this wayward molecular compound. When we asked intolerant lactose for a response to the warning, he said, "Those nutritionists are such pansies. When's the last time they chugged a cold glass of cow's milk? I can't stand nutritionists. They're all in the pocket of the vegetable lobby, anyway."

Ahh, the vituperous scorn of intolerant lactose. You heard it here first, fellow Scoffers.

American Idol Down To People Who Don't Suck, Ratings Plummet

The Fox hit show American Idol has cut its field of contestants down to 24 performers who don't suck and has seen a significant slowdown in ratings as a result. This was expected, explains Idol producer Aaron Golden, "We understand that people watch the first 6 weeks of Idol because the idiots on here make them feel better about themselves. Now that we are down to the talented, attractive and generally well adjusted most of America will focus on the Jack-o trial." Coincidently there are more contestants left on American Idol than people in America who care that hockey is cancelled.

Oh, Fiddlesticks...

Ali
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

Maybe if I stay perfectly still they won't be able to see me. I heard thier vision is based on movement.

Oh, Fiddlesticks...

Ali
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

I wonder if my arrest will affect my SaddamPlus health insurance benefits.

Say Goodbye to the Whole Pucking Season

In place of the non-stop thrills once offered by millionaire troglodytes chasing a little black rock around an ice-skating rink, you might be captivated by the hot-button issue of Social Security benefits to al Qaeda members in Iraq who make over 90,000 dinars a year.

And in unrelated news, all orthodontics schools north of the Mason-Dixon line are closed until further notice.

Man Dikes Bog

"My Elbow is Purple,

hydrogen is the most abundant element in the universe, Dan Dierdorf was a six time all-pro tackle with the St. Louis Cardinals, caterpillars come in all shapes and sizes, and Marty McFly is my hero.

"That's why I bought a Saturn."

"Ever Since the Vacuum Cleaner was First Invented...

...the English have had servants operate the contraptions for them. That's why I invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner--it saves our poor serfs' backs. I just think bourgeois tapestry-cleaning devices should work properly."

Howard Dean Promises to Lead Democratic Party Straight to YAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!

Hallway Etiquette

Tom Cochran once almost said that life is a hallway, and for many of us the hallway of life is fraught with uncertainty about how to react to our passing peers as we wander towards our destination. But being that it is the mission of the Daily Scoffer to make life in society less confusing for all we offer this guide of how to handle common hallway greetings that frustrate even the most precocious of pedestrians.

Locale: Corporate America
Situation: Passing someone you know, but not really
Proper Action: Tight lipped smile and half nod. NO EYECONTACT!

Locale: Corporate America
Situation: Passing VP of Department
Proper Action: Drop to knees, open mouth, close eyes

Locale: College Campus
Situation: Passing punk you smoked in the debate meet
Proper Action: Offer hand in show of good will and say "Hey Chum...p" and withdraw hand at last minute. *optional- high five friends and exclaim "hi-o!"*

Locale: Local Shop 'n Save
Situation: Passing girl who 'declined' your invitation to prom
Proper Action: Loudly exclaim to anyone who will listen that you are buying the premium spices because your sweet job affords you a top shelf lifestyle. Later circle back for the store brand.

Locale: Airport
Situation: Passing Pauly Shore in Southwest terminal.
Proper Action: None. B-list celebs gets no love.

Michael Jackson Witness List = Hollywood A-List

Does this TELL you anything???

Exasperated Wife to Chronically Constipated and Befuddled Wheat Farmer Husband:

"Why don't you use the bran God gave you?"

American Companies Rushing into Fledgling Iraq Market

American companies, emboldened by the recent successful elections in Iraq, have begun moving into the former dictatorship with hopes of inking lucrative deals with Iraqi entrepreneurial counterparts.

In one example, the Coca-Cola® Corporation, realizing the need for rapid thirst quenching and electrolyte replenishment in a country that is comprised mostly of punishing desert, announced today that it was tailoring its popular Gatorade™ brand drinks to appeal to potential customers in the Middle East.

"We're retooling the packaging and the names of some beverage products to maximize exposure in this new, unfamiliar market," said Gregg Baine, chief marketing strategist for Coca-Cola®'s Trans-Jordan region.

Some notable new additions: Mullah Melon Blast, Fatwa Fruit Explosion, Ayatollah It Was Berry Good, Allawi-Zowie Kiwi-Mocha Medley, and Zesty Cranberry Juice Jihad.

"We're totally psyched about these new products, and we hope that our Iraqi customers will be, too," added Baine. "I'm drinking a Mullah Melon Blast right now, and, boy, is it Mullah-riffic."

Oh, How Crestfallen I was when I Discovered, Upon Opening my W-2 Form, that:

It was another year without any fishing boat proceeds whatsoever! Ahh, I am not a man, but a pitiable failure.

Euh, me miserum.

Pentagon Scientists Discover Cure for Communism--

--Large doses of lead administered rapidly through the skin.

How Grammar School is Different in the Desert

* Verbs not parsed, but parched.

* Forget calculus--say hello to cactulus.

* Drafting class cancelled, renamed Droughting class.

* Swim team foregoes the backstroke in favor of the heatstroke.

* Cafeteria food often described as 'yucca'.

* Students study Art and Rommel's WWII North African Campaign simultaneously, don 'Desert Smocks'.

* A/V Lab really a UV lab.

* Students on detention forced to scrub scrubgrass.

* Gymnastics squad dubbed 'Li'l Tumblin' Weeds'.

* Marching Band? More like 'Munching Sand'.

* Meet your new principal--Wyatt Earp.

* School bus drivers frequently spend hours chasing ever-receding 'oases'.

* Fancy 'whee-oo-whee-oo' whistling sound every time you enter a door.

It's Not Too Late To Order Flowers For Valentines Day!

Oh wait. It is too late. You're screwed. Sorry.

From the Scoffer Music Files

SHHHHH! I think I've found the sure-fire secret on how to win a Grammy. What, you want me to tell you. Nosir! Well, ok since you did ask so politely. Alright, but you've gotta guess first. Talent you say? Nope. Is that creative genius I hear? Wrong. Who said years of practice and dedication....uh, incorrect-a-mundo! Wait did I just hear a niner? Anyways, The Academy will bestow upon you accolades like you have never before seen if you just follow my advice: DIE!
Yes, you heard it right, by ceasing to exist your name will live in musical infamy for many years to come. Now, I know what you are thinking, just stop it right now. Yes I respect Johnny Cash and yes I think that Ray Charles rocked like no other, but, you know it's gonna happen sooner or later. Some C-List artist from 1993 will release one lame comeback album and die just in enough time to make the Grammy Nomination List and bam! There it is. Album of the Year Award goes to: Richard Marx. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Barry Manilow, Burt Bacharach and Patrick Swayze Announce Plans For "She's Still Like the Wind" Tour 2005

Hello, Everybody!

story.kim.jongil.ap
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

Oh,
To the Gulag we will go,
To the Gulag we will go,
High-Ho-the-Derry-O,
To the Gulag we will go!

Huzzah!

World Leaders and Dignitaries Gear Up for Saint Patrick's Day

World leaders (pretend and otherwise) and other dignitaries began sending gifts to Bertie Ahern, Taoiseach of the Republic of Ireland, in anticipation of Saint Patrick's Day, now just over one month away. Some of the more noteworthy items, and their presenters, are:

* From former president Bill Clinton, and wife Hillary--a shillelagh, signed by Clinton-era Health and Human Services Secretary Donna "Don't Call Me Shillelagh" Shalala

* From North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il--a pot o' gold (with a note attached: 'Please fill with uranium and return to sender')

* From the Queen of England--a condescending note written on a bedsheet-size Union Jack

* From the Scottish Parliament--two tickets to the Edinburgh Dance Troupe's latest production of 'Tam o' Shanter Ain't Irish, For Cryin' oot Lood'

* From famed Scottish comedian Billy Connolly--a tape of his stand-up special, 'Erin Went Bragh-less'

* From Irish rocker Bono--a CD of 'Clannad Covers Dokken: Live at the Met'

* From the ghost of William Butler Yeats--a spooky visiting, during which Yeats' ghost will recite, 'I've been dead for many winters now / And still have no peace, / For 'Yeats' rhymes with 'persimmon crates', / And NOT WITH KEATS!'

* From the CEO of 'Gem and Jewelry Supermart'--the entire emerald aisle

The Daily Scoffer will also be sending along a monogrammed scoff, for those cold Dublin nights.

Happy early Saint Paddy's Day, from everyone at TDS!

An Event You Won't Be Attending

As you certainly know, Prince Charles and his super hot lady Camilla Parker Lewis Bowles are to be wed this spring. Of course your humble correspondent will be a guest of honor, and of course you won't be invited. However, I was once a common man so I am willing to share with you the itinerary of the blessed event so that you know minute by minute what fun you are missing.

Schedule of Events for the Wedding of Prince Chuck to C.P.B.

Thursday
12:00 pm - Groomsmen meet at Men's Warehouse to pick up tux's

1:00 pm - A round of hearty backslap's and Atta boys for Prince Charles

3:15 pm - Throw handfuls of 1/2 shillings to disperse paparazzi

5:30 pm - B.B.Q. @ best man's

8:00 pm - Bedtime story read by muse (as usual)

9:15 pm - Sneak out to O'Charley's for sourapple martini's (Prince's idea)

2:00 am - Walk home....bad experience with chauffeurs

Friday

10:30 am - Open one eye and moan

12:00 pm - Remind yourself how rich you are and get some lunch

1:00 pm - Meet at polo grounds

2:30 pm - Sourapple martinis (Prince again)

3:00 pm - Head to Target to get Prince and CPB a wedding gift

6:00 pm - Rehearsal dinner at "Shark Shack"

8:00 pm - Accompany Prince to "Ye Olde Din of Iniquitye"

12:00 am - Accompany Prince to Whisper's house

12:06 am - Take Prince home

Saturday

2:00 pm - Fish and Chips

6:00 pm - Hear King Henry VII roll over in grave

8:00 pm - Abuse open bar privilege

10:00 pm- Sex on Queens bed with bridesmaid

2:30 am - Post bail, head home

North Korean Parliament Votes Unanimously...

...to appoint Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to man the first North Korean nuclear ICBM.

"I advise the Dear Leader to sit right up front, where the view will be best," said an unnamed parliament member.

"Oh, goody goody!" squealed Kim in delight. "When can I ride in it? Huh? When can I? Huh? Can I ride in it yet? Can I? Pleeease... Puh-leeeeaaaaase let me ride in it! C'mon, can I? can I? can I?"

"Oh, I guess so," replied the parliament member. "Have a safe trip, Dear Leader!"

Liberian Advisors Enter Togo

Liberian military advisors began pouring into the troubled nation of Togo last week, hoping to earn big profits by selling arms and expertise in the latest hotspot on the Dark Continent.

Two years ago, a group known as L.U.R.D. (Liberians United for Reconciliation and Democracy) was a major player in the Liberian unrest that eventually resulted in the landing of U.S. Marines in Monrovia. It is this same contingent of rebels that has apparently infiltrated Togo in recent days, changing only the first letter of their acronym to reflect their new base of operations.

"Togoans United for Reconciliation and Democracy is a dangerous band of thugs," said Holole Momka'asa, spokesman for the Togoan Foreign Ministry, in a press conference held yesterday at the capital. "Furthermore, there's something about their moniker that just doesn't sit well with me. I would advise a 'hands-off' policy in all future dealings with them."

Prince Charles to Wear Diamond-Studded Toolbag to Royal Wedding

Neighbors of Recently Arrested Gardener Remember Him as Being 'A Little Rakish'

Tenuous Peace Still Reigns o'er the Mighty Hobolochitto

Factions from the Chunky River district held fast yesterday, day seven of a tentative ceasefire called between the Chunky Ever-Victorious Army and the Hobolochitto Hussars, who have been locked in grueling stalemate for more than five months.

Local warlords met under the aegis of UN peace-broker Jan da Mahn last Tuesday morning, and hammered out a tentative halt to offensive operations on both sides.

The Chunky-Hobolochitto War began in September of 2004, when Hobolochitto cattle rustlers raided a camp near the Chunky stronghold of Chunkytown. Analysts say they anticipate that this cease-fire will hold, eventually being upgraded to an armistice, then a truce, and, finally, a treaty of peace.

"May peace reign long o'er the Hobolochitto," said UN General Secretary Kofi Annan yesterday at a session in New York. "Several lives kind of depend on it."

We are still wondering: Just who IS this Phoebe person, anyway?

How do we know her? Why is her site linked to ours? Why does she look so fetchingly charming in her little coat and scarf, propped up against a wall of the Chicago University library? Is there a Mr. Phoebe? Does he sit with his beloved spouse/betrothed/significant other by a crackling fire on blustery Illinois winter evenings, sipping cocoa with little half-melted marshmallows floating around on top, reading the uproarious hilarity of The Daily Scoffer?

Oh, for even a scrap, a wisp, a sherd, a whisper, a hint, a tiny sliver of information about this mystery girl.

(To anyone who objects to our wasting web space with this fluff, please see our masthead.)

Nepal Launches Air Strikes Against Rebels

...who were just as surprised as the rest of the world at the existence of a Nepalese Air Force...

Bush's upcoming Belgium Summit Dubbed 'Brussels Pouts'

President George "Kickin' Terror in the Toosh from Tehran to Arkush" Bush is preparing for a fence-mending summit in Belgium, where he will meet with Chancellor Gerhard "Coalition Exploder" Schroeder of Germany and President Jacques "Ain't Going to Iraq" Chirac. Famous waffler John Kerry applied to go along as cabin boy, but unfortunately Frau Heinz could not find a long enough leash to permit such long-distance traveling.

The Daily Scoffer thought it was the first to call this summit the 'Meeting of the Brussels Pouts'--but, noooo, some other wiseacre got to it first. Why? Why does it always have to be this way? Oh, fooey!

Local News Station Takes Cue from Glut of Crime Dramas, Changes Ad Slogan to: 'Tonight's Headlines will be Ripped from the Headlines'

Forty Days/Forty Nights - What I Will Give Up For Lent

One of the oldest traditions in the Catholic Church is to participate in a preparatory period before Easter known as Lent. During this time, Catholics are encouraged to rededicate themselves to the Church by withdrawing from secular distractions. Today is known as Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, the last day of indulgence before entering into Lent. A common tradition of the Church is to abstain from meat during Lent, which is why the celebration known as Mardi Gras is often called Carnival(Latin for farewell to meat). In other words tonight we binge the body, tomorrow we purge the soul. Over time, fasting from just meat lead to refraining of other vices plaguing one's life. In accordance with my faith, I have decided to 'give up' the following items. These are my vices and I intend to renounce them for the next 40 days!

1. My center of balance
2. Chocolate covered homework (this one is for all our junior readers)
3. Step #3 of "7 Habits of Highly Effective People"
4. My cones & rods (this one will most surely suck)
5. My ability to fight off infectious diseases
6. My flu shot cache
7. My Purpose Driven Life
8. My legal citizenship to Papua New Guinea
9. Status as First Ensign
10. Listening to Lionel Richie whilst drinking cold beer(hah, yeah right!)

Please pray for me during this time, it will be very difficult to manage without the aforementioned items. Thank you for your support!

P.S. to all our Catholic readers - please don't confuse my irreverence with blasphemy. Thanks MGMT.

Gary, IN Still Not Winter Vacation Hotspot

Mobius Strip Club Offers Non-Stop Entertainment

Mobius, a newly-opened gentlemen's club in downtown Honolulu, will offer its patrons "non-stop entertainment", according to the club's manager Don Landers.

"Hey, you walk inna Mobius, you gonna get treated good, you know what I mean?" quoth Messr. Landers.

However, some research by Scoffer staff revealed that the Mobius club is able to offer only one-sided viewing; additionally, club-goers' three-dimensional frames will be rather painfully squashed into two dimensions immediately upon entering the club's doors. Landers admits that some "wimps" might experience some mild discomfort at first, but reassures the public that the girls inside make the pain worthwhile.

Mobius is open twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Admission is one strip of looseleaf paper, given a half twist and taped together at the ends.

Kim Jong Il's 'State of the Dictatorship' Address Actually One Long Standing Ovation

Kim Jong Il, beloved by millions of starving North Korean peasants for his outlandishly decadent lifestyle, could not utter even one word of his annual 'State of the Dictatorship' address last Friday, because as soon as he approached the podium (constructed of the ground-up skulls of former political opponents) the assembled rubber-stamp congress sprung to its feet and applauded wildly for forty-five mintues straight.

In related news, members of Cuba's rubber-stamp congress were planning to defect to North Korea before Castro delivers his 'State of el Dictatoro-ship' later this spring. "Oh, by the sweet ghost of Che Guevara, I will do anything to avoid another seven-hour rant by that decrepit old madman," said Manuel Manuelino y Manuela, whose name the Scoffer changed for obvious reasons (i.e., it's much funnier this way).

Democrats Finally Find Platform; Promote Skin Care Products, Change Name of Party to 'Dermocrats'

After decades of knee-jerk reactionism and obstructionist whining, Democrats finally found something productive to do with themselves, announcing yesterday that they were reinventing the Yellow Dog party as "the party of healthy, radiant, glowing skin--the Dermocrats".

Debunked former South Dakota senator Tom Daschle was the first to latch on to the new development, springing into action for springy skin at an impromptu press conference held at the Black Hills Indian Casino in Pierre. "I looooove skin care products," raved a visibly giddy Daschle (whose T-zone, by the way, looked phenomenal), "and I loooooove wasting taxpayer money. This is the perfect new direction for me, and for the Democrats--I mean, the 'Dermocrats'. Hee-hee!"

The Daily Scoffer also attempted to contact New York senator Hillary Clinton for her reaction to the news, but she was still engaged in preparatory andricidal sorcery (see previous Scoffer article).

At any rate, the new Dermocrats are FAB, so why not vote for one next time around?

Engels to Marx (having tea at Engels' house):

"One Lumpenproletariat, or two?"

'Pleasures of the Flesh' Top Greatest Sins of 2004

Well folks, the polling stations have been closed and the results are tallied. Once again 'Pleasures of the Flesh' top the Greatest Sins/Sinners list of 2004. "It was really an unexpected honor," P.O.T.F spokeswoman Allata Fagina told The Daily Scoffer, "we had an awesome run going there, having won three years in a row. But to get an unprecedented fourth title, I'm speechless, and it's not because of the huge cod piece in my mouth, I literally am without speech!" Rounding out the list were the following sins, some oldie-but-goodies and some sure surprises:

1. Pleasures of the Flesh(Including members of Kofi Annan's Oil For Fellatio Program)
2. Reality TV Addicts
3. Sadists/Masochists
4. Democrats
5. Yankee Fans
6. White Pony Jockeys
7. Owners of Barbra Streisand CD's
8. Wearers of Jean Shorts (cut off or pleated)
9. Murder
10. Lebanese Insurance Fraud

We are confident that none of our readers are guilty of the previous sins, but if so, don't worry. It's not too late! Just contact Creflo Dollar and all your iniquities will be absolved.

From the Scoffer Personals

Wanted:
L.A. face with an Oakland booty.

Please respond to sirmix6969@onehit.com

Dems in High Def!

Last night the President gave the State of the Union address. Iraqi voters hugged the parents of fallen soldiers. Freshman Senators painted their fingers. Half of the congress sat on their hands like children who don't want to eat their peas while the other half jumped up and down like children who just found out school was canceled. But everyone in America was waiting for one thing, one unforgettable event: THE DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE PRESENTED IN HI-DEF!This is what the hi-def movement is all about. This is the pinnacle of human technological achievement. This, my friends, is why we spend thousands on flat panel TV's and pay Comcast the extra $7 a month, to see Nancy Pelosi nay-say the President from the floor of the Capital. The high definition pixilation made it possible to actually see the contempt drip off of her words as she and Tom Daschle played second fiddle to W once again, with four more years of the same lame time slot on the horizon. Yep, hi-def and Democrats. A combination as classic as Pandas and circus peanuts, and every bit as soft.

Improper Bead Usage Defined

With Mardi Gras season upon us many of you are no doubt engaging in all manner of unspeakable acts to obtain beads of every size, shape and color. A quick look into the Daily Scoffer Orb of Soothsaying confirms that these beads will then be piled into garages, closets and Y2K shelters all across our great nation. Being the nation of innovators and thinkers that the United States is we can predict even without the Orb of Soothsaying that several, nay, even dozens of you revelers will try to come up with creative uses for these plastic jewels and we would like to guide you on you path by offering up some uses that have been tried and failed by past generations.

Improper Uses of Your Mardi Gras Beads:

1. Spare thongs
2. Replacement timing belt for your Buick
3. Emergency Rosary
4. Anchor while freeclimbing "The Widowmaker"
5. Rent payment
6. Condiment on your Lucky Dog
7. Weapon in local turf war
8. Toy in babies crib
9. Payment for island in New York


Happy Mardi Gras!

Iraqi Elections Signify Start of Jacko Trial

It was very clear by the vibrant smiles on the faces of the millions of Iraqis waiting in line on Sunday. Men, women and children alike were raising their arms in the air with extreme jubilation. Purple fingers extended in a 'number one' form littered the streets of downtown Baghdad. In case you have been living under a reality show for the past few months and are not aware of the cause of this excitement, listen up my friends...the trial of the century has just begun! "We would like to remind the world of the significance of this day," Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi proclaimed, "today marks the beginning of the greatest trial to ever grace the pages of history. Oh yeah, yada-yada-yada Iraq held it's very first ever democratic elections blah-blah-blah formerly oppressed people now get chance to vote without getting murdered, but who cares about that, Jacko must go free!" Germany, france, UN Secretary Kofi Annan and the news media alike all agreed with the Iraqi PM Allawi on the historical relevance of yesterday's news. "Let's all quickly forget the elections and focus on what really counts, good ole celebrity gossip," PM chirac told CNN's Judy Woodruff. Michael Jackson recorded a video message to all US troops stationed in Iraq and thanked them for their help in kicking off his judiciary proceedings. To watch this video clip just visit www.itstoolatetheresnothingyoucandoweareallgoingtohell.com As always stay tuned for more information on the MJ proceedings.

Creflo Dollar Finishes World Tour; Regrets Last Name

For the past two weeks our Senior International Affairs Correspondent Mary Lou Moxsley has been traveling with famed American television evangelist Creflo Dollar. Mr. Dollar is the lead pastor of World Changers Church International. Shortly after the recent tsunami disaster, Mr. Dollar assembled a team of his most dedicated and loyal followers to make an 'around the world' trip to raise funds to benefit the natural disasters' victims. Ms. Moxsley, who was invited to join the journey by the Dollar Team, realized that the primary purpose of the trip took second stage to a much bigger problem. "There was an little-known international treaty signed by 97 countries back in 1998 that stated if your last name is also a national currency then you must legally change your name to the new currency of the country you are visiting," Ms. Moxsley reported after she returned from her venture. Team Dollar was completely blind-sided by this policy, especially after learning the currency names of the countries they would be visiting. United Kingdom, Germany, Estonia, Iraq, Afghanistan, India and Japan were just a few of the countries visited during the two-week trip. "You know, I could handle Creflo Pound and Creflo Yen. Creflo Rupee and Creflo Afghani kinda pissed me off. But come on, Creflo Dinar? Creflo Deutsche Mark? And for the love of God, Creflo Krooni?!? Absolutely and utterly ridiculous," Mr. Dollar told our reporter. Ms. Moxsley informed TDS that upon arrival back home, Creflo changed his last name from 'Dollar' to 'Hobolochitto' in order to avoid future embarrassment.

Updated 'No Fly' List

In a "I'm going out guns-a-blazin" move, soon to be departed Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge released a 'No Fly' List that extends beyond suspected terrorists and includes some new items that no longer will be allowed onto an airplane. The list is as follows:

1. Harry Belafonte CD's (tapes are acceptable)
2. Chester Karass Negotiating Technique Books
3. Black, rectangular suitcases with a sliding handle and wheels(sorry 99.7% of passengers)
4. Passengers who sit next to the window but put their belongings in the middle seat in hopes of having an open seat during the flight
5. BLACK, DRESS SOCKS
6. oh yeah, uh no guns-a-blazin, either

Stay tuned to the Scoffer for future details on this story.

Extra 'E' Costs Man Bundle [a recently-rediscovered, heretofore-presumed-irrevocably-lost post]

Pablo Huffenbloogen was forced to shell out much more for his date last night with Mindy McSwirlee than he had originally planned, sources close to Huffenbloogen tell The Daily Scoffer.

"I thought Mindy said she wanted to go shopping," Huffenbloogen allegedly confided in his friend Chad Congobongo, with whom TDS later spoke. "But when we got to the place, I saw that I was actually in for an afternoon of shoppe-ing. It was atrocious. I think at one point I was in a shoppe that sold nothing but hair barettes and foot cream. How did I sink so low?"

But the nightmare did not end there, Congobongo related to TDS with considerable delight. Congobongo claims that Huffenbloogen went on to say that, "after shoppe-ing we went to dinner at a place on the waterfront. I'd heard about the restaurant from a guy at work--he said it was a nice bar and grill. Imagine my horror, then, when I saw that I had been duped into going to a bar and grille. That extra 'e' set me back about two-hundred bucks more than a good old American bar and grill would have. And to top it all off, there was a band playing. They called themselves 'Rumours'. Is there any band playing at any bar and grille anywhere that doesn't call themselves 'Rumours'? Two extra 'e's and one extra 'u', and now I've got a big hole in my savings account and a woman hanging all over me because she thinks I intended to 'e' and 'u' her. Oh, this is not goode, I can tell you that right now."

(Rumours will be performing live every night this week at Ye Olde Catalina Bar and Grille, which is located next to The Strip Malle at Oakcreste, just off of Prepackaged Nostalgia Drive. Suzie's Scoozies and Cream Shoppe (right next door to The Mane Event Styling Salon) will run a buy-one-get-one-free special for the duration of Rumours' sojourn at Ye Olde Catalina.)

Nixon's Paranoia Now Seen to have been Cutting Edge

Recently released documents reveal that Richard Nixon eerily presaged today's shameless fear mongering by several decades.

"Unless governments take basic precautions, we will continue to stand at the edge of an awful abyss," said Nixon-era bureaucrat Robert Kupperman in a report given to the president some thirty years ago. Nixon was said to have trusted Kupperman, who, as chief scientist for the Arms Control and Disarmament Agency, couldn't possibly have had a vested interest in perpetuating a state of low-level panic in order, say, to avoid rendering his own position obsolete and thus putting himself out of a job.

In Nixon's dark imaginings, egged on by the likes of Kupperman and then-National Security Adviser Henry Kissinger, terrorists used airplanes as guided missiles and took entire elementary schools hostage in a "world gone mad", according to just one of the thousands of tapes Nixon secretly made of proceedings in the Oval Office. "Why, they might even still be releasing Barbara Streisand albums in thirty years, who knows... I wouldn't put anything past those Commie Ruskies."

The Fraternal Order of Fearmongerers and Hysteria Inducers quickly reacted to today's news by recognizing Nixon's long-underrecognized contributions to the field, adding in a written statement released to the press that "this latest revelation will probably cause horrific diseases in most of the population, but none of that will really matter since al Qaeda is now within three days of detonating an Earth-destroying bomb. The only defense is to buy more weapons. Please make checks payable to 'R. Kupperman.' That is all, thank you. No, we mean it, that is all forever."

Homesick Muslims Throw Rocks at Things

Muslims from around the world gathered in Mecca this week for the annual hajj, or pilgrimage, one of the Five Pillars of the Muslim Faith and a sacred obligation for all who can afford to make the journey. Yesterday's highlight was the throwing of rocks at a larger stone, an act symbolic of denouncing the Devil and all of his works.

For many, though, the rock-throwing made them acutely homesick and led to other activities that might help recreate a hometown atmosphere in a foreign land. After the day's rituals were over, a throng of believers flocked to the carnival grounds adjacent to the holy sites for a bit of relaxation and amusement. Popular booths at the carnival were Throwing Rocks at Adulteresses, Throwing Rocks at Infidels, Throwing Rocks at Citizens of Western Nations Trying to Help You, Guess Your Turban's Weight, Khangar Swallowers: Off-Off-Broadway, and Blame A Personal Problem on the Jews.

"This has been the best hajj ever," said Yusuf al-Marqoot, a Yemeni national on his fourth pilgrimage to Mecca. "Back home, I am a dealer in rocks for throwing. So, I'm taking notes and hoping to implement some innovations into my business when I return."

al-Marqoot said he was bringing home a few souvenirs for his family; some Iranian dates for his daughters, and for his wife a burqa that read: "My Husband Performed the Hajj, and All I Got Was this Lousy Burqa".

Rehnquist Shows off his 'Supreme Full-Court Press'

Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who administered the oath of office to incumbent president George W. Bush this morning, dazzled the crowd with a pre-inauguration display of his new 'Supreme Full-Court Press' maneuver; Rehnquist and fellow justices Ruth Bader-Ginsburg and Clarence Thomas overpowered various foreign dignitaries on a basketball court set up just in front of the main inauguration podium. Among those 'diz-ominated' by Rehnquist et al. were Chinese President Hu Jintao, Mexican President Vicente Fox, and Flemish Undersecretary of Interior Design Jan von Vongreese.

"We never saw that coming," admitted an exhausted Fox. "I didn't think the justices could handle our pick-and-roll, but we were just torn apart by them. Hu kept trying to post up, but I couldn't get anything by Rehnquist. He was on fire."

Later, a winded but glowing Rehnquist (also known affectionately as 'Dr. J' (Doctor Jurisprudence)) told the assembled onlookers that they could look forward to "a scintillating array of torts for all occasions" at the next inauguration in 2009.

Bush Employs Actual Augurs at Inauguration

Taking the term 'Republican' back to its root meanings, newly-elected president George W. Bush today surprised the crowd that had gathered to witness his inauguration by including actual augurs, auspicors, and hecatomb necromancers in the ceremonies.

After swearing an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution, President Bush then invited several toga-clad, bearded old men to the platform and had them read omens from cloud patterns, tea leaves, and cast shards of bone; later, one soothsayer learnéd in auspicy examined the flight patterns of wild birds overhead, while a veritable phalanx of hoplites sacrificed a hecatomb to gray-templed Zeus and examined the guts of the slain animals. Most signs were favorable, said the soothsayers in Greek and Latin through a translator, although one predicted that the Dow would fall a few points in the first quarter as Iraq election jitters played out in the financial markets. But, the man added, the second half of the fiscal year would be considerably more robust, Hermes willing.

After the spectacle was completed, President Bush vowed to cross the Rubicon at some point in the next four years; at this, great Caesar's ghost cackled menacingly from under the bleachers, but was quickly shooed away by the necromancers, who said they'd "had enough of that old fool in their two-thousand plus years in the divination business."

Later, Maya Angelou read some horrendously sappy poem filled with canned optimism and stock inspirational phrases, which the augurs predicted would not sell more than ten thousand copies nationwide.

Condi Confirmed!

Today the Senate foreign relations committee voted to confirm Condolezza Rice as secretary of state, and I am sure that her parents are very proud. While we hate to overshadow Condi on her big day The Daily Scoffer has some things that we would like to confirm as well.

Things that TDS can confirm:

-Your worst fears.
-Tang is the best powdered drink ever.
-Everyone is working for the weekend.
-A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. (With the exception of birds with bird flu, then two in the bush is better)
-Trix are for kids.
-Papa smurf is asexual.
-Black is the new pink.
-Anything from the Franklin Mint is a great investment.

Count on TDS to bring you any more late breaking confirmations.

Bush Spends Record .14 Tsunami's On 55th Inaugural Ceremony

In spite of the nightly prayers by John Kerry, newly re-elected President Bush will be inaugurated in a very fancy, very expensive ceremony over the next four days. White House Press Sec'y Scott McClellan announced late Monday night that the whole process will likely exceed 50 million dollars, or precisely .14 tsunami's. The 55th Inauguration is slated to become the most expensive in history, far more than the 6,580 dollars it cost to inaugurate William Henry Harrison back in 1841(probably should have spent more considering he died less than a month later). Far away from the hoop-la will be a rather quiet protest that will take place in southern France. Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarrandon, Michael Moore and Bruce Springstein will accompany President Jacques Chirac in the first civilian ride on the new Airbus 380. Chirac's spokesman said the party will fly over France and discuss how much they collectively don't like President Bush. Bush has arranged to send a surprise gift to the celebrating group that will not be unveiled until after the flight takes off. We don't want to ruin the surprise, but lets say it may or may not be a really big cake with a certain Richard Reid creamy center. Bon Voyage!

Mad Max not so Mad anymore

Mad Max, who made a career in the early nineteen-eighties out of his reputation for madness, has mellowed out. In an exclusive sit-down interview with Diane Sawyer, Max tells the world how things have changed for him since he walked away from the Thunderdrome back in nineteen eighty-five.

"Well, first of all, I don't go by 'Mad Max' anymore," Max told Sawyer. "I changed my name to 'Happy, Contented, and Getting Better Every Day Max'. But most folks just call me 'Happy Max'. Anyway, after years of anger-management counseling and deep-digging psychotherapy, I've come to find that I'm really a pretty laid-back guy, underneath that tough, leathery exterior that I used to have. I mean, what was I so mad about? It was just a little gasoline. And all of that 'two men enter, one man leave' business--why, it's just silly. It's not even gramatically accurate. Has anyone in the Thunderdrome ever heard of subject-verb agreement? But, that's water under the bridge. I'm a new man now. 'Happy Max', that's me. And, man, do I ever bore the sweet fancy tarnation out of myself."

Celebrities Bravely Reassert Their Celebrity

Celebrities took time off from their busy schedules of going to health spas and giving themselves awards, and came together in order to reaffirm their celebrity in the face of the tsunami disaster in south Asia. The self-congratulation and pious posturing for the little people was aired on NBC, and was thinly but tastefully veiled as a relief effort for the hundreds of thousands of victims who probably have never even attended a movie or purchased a celebrity-endorsed product.

Television critics seemed to agree that actress Annette Benning best summed up the spirit of the evening when she said, "We want to assure everyone watching tonight that, no matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, everything is always--even pathologically--all about us. And by us, I mean me."

Flood victim Khalim Ravindri of Sri Lanka, when asked what he thought of the outpouring of solipsism from the Americans, replied, "Well, maybe if they spent less time on self-promotion, stuffing their coffers while rending the very fabric of decent society, they might have noticed that things over here weren't going so well even before the big waves came. But, in the end, all I and my villagers have to say is 'Thank goodness that Natalie Portman is ok. That is what really matters.' "

Portman later told reporters that she agreed with the poor wretch, and wished him a speedy recovery so that he could be well in time to catch her next movie.

Don King Out For Justice

In a brilliant ploy to shed his image as a greedy extortionist Don King filed a $2.5 billion defamation lawsuit against ESPN last Wednesday. ESPN, which is the most widely proliferated acronym ever with only 1 person who knows what it stands for, called the fair haired Don a "huckster" and a "snake oil salesman" in a recent SportsCentury biography piece about the boxing promoter. King, who is an idiot, says that these allegations are "underridgable" and "quapondorous" and says that he is "out to get justice". His lawyer, Willie Gary, said that he is out to get 40% of $2.5 billion. The staff of the Daily Scoffer has done some digging and we have found evidence that ESPN's allegations are valid. A 1944 photo of King with his teammates when he played AA ball for the Des Moines Hucks proves that he was once indeed a Hustkster, and a 1987 W-2 that we have acquired shows that King worked for three months for the Little River Snake Oil Company as Vice President of Sales, Atlantic-Pacific region. Speaking for ESPN in response to Mr. King's lawsuit Chris Berman had this to say: "Back-backbackbackbackback....Don King is a moron!".

Indonesian Government Getting Tired of all of this 'Helping'

Indonesian Vice-President Yusuf Kalla today announced that as of March 31st of this year all foreign troops participating in relief efforts would be asked to leave Indonesia.

"We've had just about enough of all of this helping," said Kalla through an interpreter at a press conference held yesterday at the Indonesian capitol building in Jakarta. "I have made my decision; it is the will of Allah that hundreds of thousands of innocent people should needlessly suffer and die. We will not tolerate any Americans, British, Australians, or other Western Christian imperialists lending a hand in bringing supplies to families left destitute after the December 26th earthquake and tsunami. Their assistance is not welcome here."

Kalla then produced a small razor from his coat pocket and cut off his nose to spite his face.

In other news, Saudi-based television network al-Jazeerah immediately began preparing a story on the callousness of the Westerners in leaving Indonesia so soon after the disaster.

Democrats Draft "No to Everything" Legislation

Leading House Democrats will today send to the Senate H.R. 1456, a bill mandating that the answer to every question asked in the United States shall be "no".

The left-of-the-aisle lawmakers worked for months on the bill in five key subcommittees (the Committee of Never, the Committee of Can't, the Committee of Shouldn't, the Committee of Let's Just Call it Quits, and the Committee of We Can Still Spend Tax Money Even if We Don't), finally agreeing on what some historians say is the most simply-worded bill ever to be introduced in Congress--the bill reads, "No to Everything."

The Democratic Party was unmistakably proud of the accomplishment, saying through a spokeswoman that it had cost more money just to buy the doughnuts for the committee meetings than it has to liberate a certain Middle Eastern country whose name may or may not rhyme with "Chirac".

Tony Danza Issuing Entirely Too Many Press Releases

"Who's the Boss?" star Tony Danza has been issuing entirely too many press releases lately, sources within the entertainment industry tell The Daily Scoffer.

For example, after a tsunami devastated much of southeast Asia two weeks ago Danza convened a press conference in which he offered his best wishes to the tsunami survivors. Later that same day, Danza called another press conference to comment upon the state of the New York Stock Exchange, which had declined sharply after reports of the destruction in the Indian Ocean region began to affect world financial markets. And just two days ago Danza issued a press release wishing all parties in the Randy Johnson-to-the-Yankees baseball trade a good and prosperous season ahead.

By all accounts, Danza has been---wait, what's this?---It seems that The Daily Scoffer has just received a press release from Tony Danza; it reads, "I wish to respond to the malicious rumors that I have been issuing too many press releases. I have never issued press releases unless the clamor for a word, for just one word, from Tony Danza has overwhelmed my innate reticence and shyness. I would appreciate it if the press would respect my privacy, and the privacy of my family. By the way, my little girl is about to lose her left incisor tooth. When she does, I will let the world know about it. But not one minute before."

The Daily Scoffer will probably not keep you posted on further developments in the Tony Danza story.

Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear

[Being excerpts from a recent interview with CBS Nightly News anchor Dan Rather]

The Daily Scoffer: "Good evening, Mr. Rather, and thank y---"

Dan Rather: "BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA, BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA! This is CBS Nightly News with Dan Rather."

TDS: {clearing throat] "Right... Well, thank you very much for agreeing to speak with The Daily Scoffer, sir."

DR: "My pleasure, son. So, let's get right to it, shall we? Death, dying, destruction, fear. Ringworm, psoriasis, eczema, intestinal parasites. Al Qaeda, mercury poisoning, background radiation, spontaneous human combustion. Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden in your closet? Osama bin Laden under your bed? Osama bin Laden sidling up to you on the crowded subway, waiting to steal your innocence and joy?"

TDS: "I'm afraid I don't quite follow..."

DR: "Just keep that pen a-scratchin' and that tape a-rollin', son. You'll see what I mean. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Guns? Guns in your Campbell's soup? Guns pointed at you right now? Abu Musab al-Zarqawi? Radon. Hijacking of all flights at all times. Everything you have ever seen is a bomb. Mudslides. Disappearing ozone. The PLO. Tainted aspirin, tainted baby food, tainted aspirin for babies, tainted babies. Muslim hordes battering down the gates of Western civilization. Do you hear them? Unconfirmed reports indicate that many people do in fact hear them. Flu vaccine shortages. Helicopter footage of lines of people--why aren't you in line? There are, allegedly, only 5 vials of flu vaccine left in the entire universe. All those who don't receive this vaccine will die. SARS. Killer Rottweillers. Vioxx gone bad, possible Martha Stewart link. Prince Harry and Martha Stewart in steamy prison tryst. Tell-all book about every celebrity ever. Celebrate the people I show you on TV, son! Celebrate them!"

TDS: "I'll, um, maybe give it a try. Now, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about the recent presidential election, if you don't mind."

DR: "Not at all. Red. Blue. Undecided. Red? Why not blue? Blue? Why not red? Undecided? Why not stay that way? Madrid bombings. There is a bomb in your mother's pillow right at this very moment. Airport screeners are working for the terrorists. Kerry and Edwards. Bush and Cheney. Red Sox and Yankees. Pistons and Pacers. Asteroids. There are millions of asteroids in our solar system, and every single one of them is going to hit the Earth in five minutes. Do you have a soul? If so, why aren't you taking medication to get rid of that thing? It's unsightly. Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Are you ever shy? Are you ever sad? Do you ever feel lonely or tired? Do you ever cry? Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Antibiotics, antibacterial soap, Lysol, Swiffer Mops."

TDS: "Well, that's about all the time we have, I'm afraid. Thank you again for your willingness to share a few words with our readers."

DR: "And don't forget--Four Horsemen, heinous criminals and their crimes, tsunamis,crooked landlords, the French, Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear!"

Radio Pundit Involved In Yet Another Bribery Scandal

Long-time radio talk show host and political commentator Armstrong Williams has unfortunately found himself in the midst of yet another controversy directly on the heels of his latest scandal. Although CNN claims responsibility, TDS was the first reputable news source to address Mr. Williams' alleged deal between his pocket and our Presidential Administration. Mr. Williams readily admits that he accepted 240,000 wampam in exchange for his support of the Bush Administration's Educational Agenda. After a few heated exchanges Lou Dobbs' "Used To Be Moneyline But Now Tonight" and Wolf Blitzer's "Hard-Hitting, No Time For Answers, 45 Degree Angled Toward the Camera With a Pen in My Mouth" show, Mr. Williams' reluctantly admitted wrongdoing and vowed to not participate in any such activity again. Well, well Mr. Williams, what do we have here. TDS will once again be the first to inform you that Mr. Williams is involved yet again with scandal, this time involving Orecks new 8 pound Vacuum Cleaner. "The son-of-a-gun only weighs 8 pounds, and it can pick up a bowling ball," Mr. Williams said late last night on his syndicated talk show. Attempting to stay within the ethical playing field, Mr. Williams refused monetary payment but did accept numerous 'Jelly of the Month' Club offers. Shame on you Mr. Williams, shame on YOU!

Scientology Scores a Black Guy

Even though it proclaims a doctrine of open arms to all rich celebrities and social butterflies the church of Scientology has long been whiter than the Republican party. This all changed last night with the welcome addition of b-list actor Don Cheadle to the church rolls. Reports from Scoffer sources report that famed Scientologist Tom Cruise has been preaching the good word to Cheadle for some time, telling the actor that the benefits of this ancient order (founded in 1955) can change one's life forever. "I am too promiscuous to be Catholic, too black to be Jewish and to passive to be Islamic," Cheadle said, "a young religion with only a few established stereotypes seemed to be a good fit." Another famed Scientologist, John Travolta, told TDS that he believes that the addition of a minority to "the order" adds real "street cred" and will encourage "my homies" such as Will Smith and Gary Coleman to feel welcome in the religion. Cruise said while Cheadle's motivations to convert to Scientology seemed pure, he privately wonders if Cheadle is just joining to see Jenna Elfman in the traditional "Thong of Science".

Mahmoud Abbas Receives Dozens of Congratulatory 'Rifle-Grams'

Newly-elected Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas was the recipient of dozens of celebratory 'rifle-grams' from a jubilant electorate over the weekend.

A rifle-gram is akin to a candy-gram or a get-well-gram, except in Palestine the employee of the rifle-gram company comes to your door, ululates deafeningly, and fires a predetermined number of semi-automatic rifle rounds into the air.

Rifle-grams are not only for political events; idiots trained in the art of filling the air with whizzing bullets are available for graduations, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs (admittedly rare in Palestine), weddings, and children's birthday parties. If anyone is struck and killed by the hail of metal, your next rifle-gram is fifty-percent off (gratuity not included).

John Edwards Accidentally Sues own Pants off

Former Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards was briefly embarrassed yesterday when, in the middle of a meeting, he mis-aimed his magical 'Elegant Litigator' edition Cross fountain pen and accidentally sued his own pants right off.

"There I was, showing the world my bony white knees all of a sudden. It was humiliating. I've suffered emotional damage that only a figure in the 1.5 million dollar range can heal", said Edwards.

Of course, Edwards immediately sued the owner of the building for failing to install magical anti-'Elegant Litigator' edition Cross fountain pen force field generators in every room of the structure. The parties settled out of court; on the way to the arbitration, the Edwards family stopped at a carwash for the thrill of watching several former neurosurgeons whom John Edwards had sued out of business wax the Edwards' brand new sportscar.

"Doctors--they're what's really wrong with this country", Edwards was overheard to have muttered to himself.

International Bureau of Weights and Measures Defines 'Biblical Proportions'

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures (Bureau International des Poids et Mesures) yesterday issued guidelines setting forth the exact dimensions of 'biblical proportions', a phrase much bandied about recently as Mother Nature has made her power felt all across the globe.

Jean-Paul Remiere, a scientist with the Bureau, summed up the guidelines thusly: "We have a standard King James bible, quarto page edition, which measures 12 centimeters in length, 8 centimeters in breadth, and 3.5 centimeters in thickness--thus, anything other than these dimensions cannot, I repeat, cannot be said to be of 'biblical proportions'. Maybe try something bigger, like 'road atlas proportions', or 'artsy coffee table photography book proportions'."