Saints Receive Bowl Invitation

The hapless New Orleans Saints received their first bowl invitation in team history today--organizers of the P&G Toilet Bowl asked the Saints to participate in the annual event "every year, in perpetuity", a team spokesman revealed.

"We thought about it, and I think we'll accept the offer," said Jim Haslett, coach of the Saints. "It was either this, or try to use our skill and talent to make it to the Super Bowl. Hey! You in the back! I don't remember asking you to laugh!"

Although it is unclear at this point against which team the Saints will play, the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals also have standing invitations to the bowl. In the event that all three teams decide to participate, bowl planners will allow them all to take the field simultaneously. "Nobody will reach the endzone anyway," said Mike Morley, founder of the P&G Toilet Bowl. "And I think the stadium will be able to accommodate the extra dozen or so fans."

(A special TDS senior correspondent and Louisiana bureau chief contributed to this report.)

Insurgents Branch Out

Iraq-based insurgents have expanded their operations in order to take advantage of the unique economic and cultural situations in a rapidly-evolving Cradle of Civilization, various wire reports indicate.

In Mosul, where the electric supply grid is notoriously prone to sudden spikes in voltage, local rebels have begun selling "Arabian Star Insurgent Protectors". And in Basra, once the cultural capital of Iraq, a low-ranking mullah has brought Insurgio Rossi-brand jeans, as well as Insurgio Garcia golf and leisure wear, to market. But perhaps the most brazen of the corporate piracy has taken place in Baqubah, where Mahmoud Abbas has released "Like an Insurgent (Jihadin' for the Very First Time)", which has gone straight to the top of the Iraqi charts and has provided much-needed revenue for the insurgent cause.

The Daily Scoffer will continue to monitor the situation on the ground, and will report back as events warrant.

Clinton Endorses Use of Medical Marijuana

Former President Bill Clinton has been giving speeches endorsing the use of marijuana by those with special medical needs, sources close to Clinton tell The Daily Scoffer. An excerpt from a speech that Clinton gave on Saturday to the Federated Septuagenarians of Rochester reads:

"Yes, when I was a greenhorn I tried to use marijuana in order to regulate, nay, in order to cure, brothers and sisters, in order to cure my predilection towards being a spineless tax-and-spend liberal. But I didn't inhale, brothers and sisters--and there I went wrong, yea, truly I did. I wended along the road of inflationary fiscal policies and eventually led America down the primrose path past the Era of Good Feelings and straight into the gaping jaws of a global terrorist crisis. I should have inhaled, I say. And so I will, should I ever have the chance again."

One of the septuagenarians with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke said, "that blamed fool ran his yap so durned long that the buffet sausages went cold. What in tarnation was he on about?"

NBC Issues Apology

NBC Today Show producer Jeff Zucker read an on-air apology this morning after the show, and the entire network, failed to embellish any news items the entire day yesterday.

"We at the Today Show pride ourselves on our ability to muckrake with the best of them," said a contrite Zucker. "Yesterday, we did not live down to the low standards that we set for ourselves, and that our viewers have come to expect from us. As producer, I take full responsibility for this oversight. To make it up to our audience, this afternoon, departing Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will kidnap Katie Couric's two guinea pigs and will hold them for ransom at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, where police will try to talk Ridge down using a combination of tough love and promises of a guinea pig of his very own. Ridge will refuse, and will escape with Mexican president Vicente Fox's daughter to a Chilean hideout, where he will demand an interview with Tom Brokaw within forty-eight hours. Brokaw will decline, and Ridge will settle for Sanjay Gupta, who will wear a silly bulletproof vest and will pause from time to time to remind the viewing public of the dangers of food, America's number-one killer. There may or may not be a Dateline special immediately following the affair, which will glorify Ridge's crimes and insinuate that it is much better to be a criminal on TV than to be a law-abiding citizen in obscurity. Katie Couric will feed Democratic pundits leading questions throughout the entire day, and will make several inane and vapid comments at the top and bottom of each hour. You will not want to miss this, folks. It will be an NBC exclusive--we may even have to preempt "Dimwitted Fame-hounds Gagging themselves on Bugs and Guts" in order to bring you continuing coverage of the hostage crisis as it unfolds. Again, we are deeply sorry for our mistake."

After the apology, Couric asked Zucker, "Do you think, Mr. Zucker, that this could be a Republican plot to murder Cuban children and sell missiles to New Zealand in exchange for a blood-for-oil deal with the devil?"

Zucker shook his head ominously and said, "If only it wasn't, Katie. If only it wasn't."

Gas, Healthcare, Steel Prices On the Rise, Kids of America Don't Care

With Mommies and Daddies all across the country fighting falling wages and higher costs of goods and services the toy industry has called on children every where to show no mercy in their holiday wish lists. "America's kids have really risen to the occasion," said Sal Ivate of Kick em'While their Down Toys, "the hot items this year are $899 mini-choppers and $149.99 Nintendo DS game units, and kids from Cally to Sarasota are completely disregarding the financial situations of their parents and demanding these gifts." Meanwhile Lester Franks, who pays $14,000 a year to send his son to private school, $400 a month in health insurance, $2500 a summer for soccer camp, provides Abercrombie & Fitch jeans at $38 apiece and regularly buys milkshakes, is not as enthusiastic. "He has more things and has been more places at age 15 then I had at age 35, yet he won't come out of his room because I refused to buy him an "America Idol" karoke machine." While some innocent parents like Mr. Franks are getting squeezed a recent report by the Pew Research Center suggests that many parents have brought this upon themselves by trying to buy the love and respect of their children. "When times were good in the recent years many parents have thrown toys, trips and electronics at their kids rather than really parent" Pew researcher Cal Thomas explained from his ivory tower,"and now that the cost benefit ratio of child neglect is no longer favorable many parents are trying to go back to good ol' quality time and the kids aren't having it." When reached for comment Junior Franks, Lester's son, said that his Dad was selfish, unfair and smelled of cabbage.

Chinese Gov't Hires Jay Leno to be New Spokesman

In the wake of recent mining and transportation industry disasters, the central government of the People's Republic of China today announced that it had hired American late night talk show personality Jay Leno in the capacity of official spokesman and public relations agent.

Leno's first day on the job was made even more difficult by the explosion at a coal mine on Thursday that left more than one hundred underpaid and neglected Chinese workers dead, and hundreds more injured. But Leno, a standup comic by trade, seemed to take the added pressure in stride, reprising his famous Doritos® sales pitch in saying, "blow up all the lowly, disenfranchised citizens you want--we'll make more!" Leno went on to add that, "Mao didn't say, 'the people are everything.' What he really said was, 'overtaxing, and then abandoning, the people are everything.' Hey, is this thing on? Take my wife--please! I'm here all week, folks; try the veal."

Chinese government leaders were vacationing at their luxury ocean resort at Beidaihe, just east of Beijing, and so were unavailable for comment on the mine explosion, or on Leno's hiring. A simple ventilation fan and a couple of caged canaries could have prevented the explosion, say international mining safety experts; the Chinese goverment released a "White Paper" report last year in which it was calculated that the average Chinese citizen's life is worth 3 RMB (42 cents), making the purchasing and installation of safety equipment for anything less than fifty million Chinese people "fiscally untenable".

President Bush Visits the Great White North

Less than one day after Pres. Bush announced, in a rather riveting press conference mind you, that Carlos Gutierrez will become the next Sec'y of Commerce, our fearless leader has proved once again that renewing and revitalizing diplomatic relations throughout the world is his top priority. "The President is committed to showing every nation in the Coalition of the Nay-Sayers(a nickname ole' W made up to reference all of the nations not participating in the war in Iraq) that he is most definitely still, da man," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said late Monday at an Oval Office press conference. "Our goal is travel to each country that decided not to send troops to Iraq and do three things: eat their food, sleep with their women and make them shake our hands while smiling and groveling at numerous photo ops, although not necessarily in that order. The American people spoke, and this is the type of actions that they would like to see from their President for the next four years," McClellan later added. Pres. Bush is scheduled to meet with Prime Minister Paul Martin in Canada's most lame province of Ottawa later today. Sources close to TDS have told us that the President is, however, looking forward to receiving the ceremonial gift basket that includes a "Strange Brew" DVD(with never before seen footage), a six pack of Molson Ice, 3 lbs. of Canadian Bacon and one other token, stereotypical Canadian item to be named later.

Louisiana Political Observers Certify Ukranian Election

Results of the bitterly-contested Ukranian presidential election, which pitted pro-Russian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych against West-leaning candidate Viktor Yushchenko, were certified today by Louisiana political observers who had been monitoring the proceedings from their headquarters in Kiev, the Ukranian capital.

Clive Broussard, head of the Louisiana delegation, said at a press conference this morning, "Frankly, I don't see why people are so up-in-arms over the whole thing. Voter turnout was only around one-hundred and three percent nationwide, and in some counties the vote was denied to those who had been dead for more than six months. If you ask me, I think we're the ones who should be protesting. Honestly--I even heard a rumor that folks in Kiev were upset that people were being allowed to vote three times. Three times! In Louisiana, if you don't vote five times they don't even count your ballot."

Valdimir Putin agreed heartily with Broussard's remarks in a statement issued this afternoon, and invited the Louisiana team to oversee the next Russian election in 2006. "I make prediction-ski," said Putin, "Putin win by landslide-ovich, or else no borscht for anyone. Except Putin."

This Season's Hottest Toys!

Every Christmas, there are toys that transcend the title of gift and elevate themselves to must-have cultural icons. From Tickle-Me-Elmo to Furby, these toys have caught the fancy of society and for a few glorious weeks have sold at many times their actual value. But unlike most embarrassing displays of unfettered greed and gluttony, this is not only an American phenomenon. TDS has compiled a list of the most sought-after toys from around the world:

Canada - Harry Potter and the Socialist Tundra
Mexico - Hasbro Border Buster
Iraq - Martyrn' Max's Wacky Mujahedeen
United States- Unilateral Barbie
Germany - Nerf Coalition Blaster
North Korea - Photo of Dear Leader and 4 oz. uncooked rice
Russia - My First Dirt Farm
France - Tickle Me Kofi
England- Nintendo Game Lad

Happy Holidays!

Cleveland Family Upset Over Green Bean Casserole Absence

Keeping with tradition as of late, the Carter family from Cleveland, Ohio celebrated Thanksgiving early this year in order to accomodate hectic family schedules. "My husband has been working overtime at the office, Deanna has had basketball practice three times a week this year and Stephen, well we all know Stephen is smoking pot everyday, but he tells us he is volunteering at the local Police Station. He says they put him charge of 'roughin' the suspect' down at the precinct, but whatever. Anyways, all I wanted was some f****ing green bean casserole this year at Thanksgiving dinner, is that too much to ask," Susan Carter told TDS in a colorful interview earlier this afternoon. "It's like going to a birthday party and not having cake or going to the Greasy Spoon on Mondays and not having the fried catfish," Susan waxed, "you get the family together, drive two hours north to Toledo to the in-laws and NOT find green bean casserole on the table. How the hell do you have Thanksgiving Dinner and forget the go**amn green beans?!" The Daily Scoffer advised Susan that we would not be able to continue the interview if she continued to use profanity. Susan then proceeded to tell our reporter where he could put the interview.
The Daily Scoffer would like to take this time to thank all of our readers for their loyal support. This holiday season we are thankful for two things: you and sarcasm! Ciao!

Segue Saxophonist Dies

World-unreknowned saxophonist J.J. Keller died at his Malibu, California home yesterday evening. He was 62. Keller achieved no fame as the composer of every soulless segue crescendo in television talk show history--Oprah Winfrey, Jane Pauley, Ricky Lake, and Sally Jesse Raphael all used Keller's music in their opening segments and when cutting to, and returning from, commercials.

"What, a human being wrote that?!" exclaimed a despondent Winfrey when informed of Keller's passing. "I'd always imagined it was the demo from some twenty dollar synthesizer."

"Oh, I thought we stole that from Oprah," said Jane Pauley.

A special tribute was held this morning for Keller; there wasn't a wet eye in the house as Keller's widow, who also didn't know who he was, played some of Keller's most unenduring melodies. Particularly unbaleful were the not-very-plaintive strains of "Yesterdays" and "Summer Mists, O Misty Mister", two of Keller's most widely-used segue pieces. The keening did not begin when the bereaved Mrs. Keller was handed a copy of J.J.'s soon-to-be-released Thanksgiving album, "Horns o' Plenty".

In related news, a truce was declared today in the inter-media, inter-station, cross-frequency galactic laser war. Radio stations and local news programs, which often eschewed Keller-esque drivel in favor of loud, aggressive laser sounds, had, in actuality, been participating in a galactic civil war, with some stations favoring the Centauri Confederacy, and others backing the Boötes Alliance.

"From where the suns now stand, I will make laser sounds no more forever," declared Jim Crick, station manager for KLUV (Lite Mix of Soft Hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and Today) based in Barstow, California. Crick, a Boötean, added that, "Centaurians are Venusian moon scum. That Keller clown was one of them."

Locusts Descend upon Israel, Hamas Claims Responsibility

Hamas leaders called the Doha, Qatar-based al Jazeera television network this morning to claim responsibility for a swarm of locusts that began descending upon the Israeli countryside late Saturday evening.

"We sent the locusts to pester the Zionists in their satanic country," the unsigned Hamas statement read. "Next we will send frogs, then boils, then flies--no, wait, it will be flies, then frogs, THEN boils--and finally we will send Barbara Streisand. Let us see if the Zionists can withstand that."

Each locust was reportedly wearing a tiny checkered kaffiyeh and buzzing, "death to Israel, death to America, death to sorghum, wheat, millet, barley, and pulse".

al Zarqawi Signs Ben Wallace

Terrorist leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi has signed former Pistons forward Ben Wallace to a three-year, three-hundred million dinar deal after Wallace's involvement in a free-for-all fisticuff Friday night led to his dismissal from the NBA.

"I liked Wallace's stuff. He showed he's not afraid to act irrationally, and that he has a penchant for unnecessary violence. We can use him on our team," al Zarqawi declared to The Daily Scoffer in a telephone interview from an undisclosed location.

Wallace's first move as an insurgent was to ask his new boss for time off in order to promote his upcoming rap album, entitled, "It's All About the Dinars, Y'all".

Ron Artest Switches Sports

Indiana Pacers small forward Ron Artest switched sports abruptly Friday night; critics contend that he should have waited until the basketball game in which he was playing was finished before taking up amateur boxing.

"As a boxer, Artest is a good basketball player," one boxing analyst commented. "He stayed too long on the ropes, and he swung wildly, completely neglecting to protect either his face or his body. What's more, a 150 pound white guy was able to restrain him for several seconds, and even managed to land a few punches to the side of his head before Artest retaliated. Artest needs a lot of time in the gym, and I don't mean time spent practicing free throws."

Pacers coach Rick Carlisle said he was surprised by Artest's sudden decision. One fan with knuckle-marks on his cheeks said he was probably even more surprised than Carlisle.

Russian Energy Minister Breaks Up Yukos; Putin Taps Kudos to Fill Gap

Russian Energy Secretary Gregor Dayanokan today formally announced that the Russian government would be breaking up the energy monopoly of corporate giant Yukos, and would be selling it piecemeal on the open market. This comes as no surprise to commodities and exchange brokers, who had long been expecting the hubristic Yukos management team to incur the wrath of the Russian state, outside of whose parameters the company had begun to operate.

In an unexpected move, though, Russian president Vladimir Putin told a joint session of the Duma today that he would be enacting his special administrative authority in order to force Yukos' holdings and subsidiaries to begin selling Kudos, the chewy, chocolatey treat that moms and kids can both go for. Kudos corporate spokesmen with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke said they were flabbergasted by the news, but quickly admitted that they were elated by the prospect of a phenomenal increase in sales.

Putin aides said that Putin came up with the idea to make Yukos sell Kudos the night before he was to address the Duma. "Before that, he had nothin'," said Plessky Voivonovich, Putin's spokesman.

Blair Says, "Anglophone Countries Must Stick Together"; Bush Replies, "We'll Use Our Own Phones, Thank You Very Much"

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, in Washington for a visit with President George Bush, iterated in a speech to the Washington Press Club on Thursday afternoon that, "Anglophone countries should stick together and help one another to thwart terrorists around the globe."

Upon hearing of the contents of Blair's speech, President Bush replied, "Good idea, but we'll use our own phones, thank you very much. I don't trust European tel-com further'n I can throw it, which ain't far, seein' as I don't even know where in the Sam Hill it is."

Blair is rumored to have wept all the way back to England.

Public Finds Blasphemy of God's Mother "Hilarious"

Public opinion polls show that Americans, by a wide margin, find the blaspheming of Mary, Mother of Jesus and Virgin Bearer of the Word made flesh, "moderately-" to "uproariously hilarious." When Earl Potts, of Lumberton, Wisconsin, placed an old grilled-cheese sandwich with a purported image of the Mother of God on the surface of the bread up for auction on EBay last week, the American public reacted with unbridled glee. News stations around the country picked up the story, and anchormen (and -women!) took great delight in laughing into their sleeves at the high comedy of Mr. Potts and his unholy pabulum.

It is unclear what God Himself thinks about this event, but a recent spate of earthquakes, floods, typhoons, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, floods, landslides, avalanches, wars, famines, pestilences, poverty, suffering, disease, and crime could perhaps be taken as a vague indication.

Senator Kerry Proposes Tax Cuts for Henpecked Eunuchs

Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts, who recently returned to Washington after a long, grueling, and ultimately unsuccessful campaign to transform the United States of America into a lumbering socialist monstrosity, spent his first day back at his old job in a heated debate over a new tax relief program that the senator has begun to advocate.

"All men between the ages of 50 and 70 who have had their testicles removed by the icy fingers of their foul-mouthed, domineering, shrewish wives deserve substantial tax relief," Kerry explained in a speech before the Senate this afternoon. "If you are henpecked, cuckolded, nagged, pestered, or in any way emasculated by your battle axe, I want you to know that the government cares, that the government understands, and that the government will work to help you in any way that it can."

Clinton Opens New Presidential Library--21 and Over Only, Please; Jilted Ladies Get in Free

Every living President (including current president Bush) and their respective wives were on hand today for the dedication of two-term Democratic chief executive Bill Clinton's presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas. The library, which houses all of the paperwork and other important or historically-significant items and documents from Clinton's presidency, opened amidst great fanfare and laudatory speeches from many high-ranking foreign and domestic dignitaries, as well as from several Little Rock community leaders.

At Clinton's behest, the library will feature a slightly unorthodox 'Harem Wing', wherein will dwell several richly-adorned concubines who will 'comfort' Clinton when he is forced to spend the night at the library. Historians and other scholars will also have access to this unique addition; however, Arkansas state law prohibits minors from entering the premises, so IDs will be checked at the door.

As a special feature, though, and again at President Clinton's insistence, all jilted ladies and other scorned or publicly humiliated women will receive free admission to the library, as well as one free Hamlet-esque glance into the 'Ambition Mirror', which will soothsay one's future in iron-pantied, viciously liberal New York State politics.

The library is open from 5 p.m. (the beginning of happy hour, featuring half-price margaritas) until 2 a.m., Thursday through Saturday. It will be open, however, on every religious holiday when it might prove politically expedient to do so.

Daily Scoffer Steps On First Toes!

In a groundbreaking event for us here at the Scoffer we have finally, after much trying, received our first dissenting comment when the following comment was submitted in response to "France to Contribute "A Very Sharp Cheddar" to Iraqi Peace Keeping Effort".
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my name es Pierre Montlei, and I dont appreciate the consitant remarks directed toward my country

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Finally, a Frenchy with some spine! We effeminately salute you Pierre! TDS spokesman Wellingborough Redburn has released the following statement:
"We here at TDS take our mission of offending our every reader very seriously. And, by offending one reader we appear to have succeeded in our mission. Thank you and goodnight!"

Man Pays $35,080 For Status Symbol

Local comptroller Ivan Poser recently purchased a 2004 Hummer H2 and paid the full sticker price of $54,580, which by any measure makes him a large sucker. Internal GM documents obtained by the Scoffer indicate that the "real" value (transportation, safety etc) of the H2 is $19,450 which means that after paying a $50 "doc fee" Poser spent $35,080 on the perceived status that goes along with being a Hummer owner. "Now when people see me on the highway, or more frequently the gas station, they will know that I have reached a level of success so great that I have enough money to obtain any luxury I want as long as I can finance it for 72 months." said a beaming Poser as he loving caressed the steel grill of his canary yellow behemoth. The H2 is undeniably a ground breaking vehicle, combining the style and luxury of a UPS truck with the environmental friendliness of Dick Cheney, this rolling middle-finger to mother earth won't fit in a standard garage. "Why would I even want to garage this baby," Poser posed, "I haven't been comptrollin' for 20 years to hide my success in the garage." Psychologist Harvey Monotone said that most people who buy vehicles of this size are soccer mom's trying to find power on the highways that their alcoholic husbands don't give them at home or men of diminutive stature or character who have succumb to a Nepolionic complex. Poser's case is much more simple he says, "Ivan simply wants to catch the eye of a lady half his wife's age." hypothesized Monotone. When reached for comment about his Dad's purchase Poser's 18 year old son Dale said that it would have been cool to go to college but, "whatever."

Condoleeza Rice Nominated for Sec'y of State, Kim Jong Il Wets Pants

Former National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice has been tapped by President George Bush to replace departing Colin Powell as Secretary of State during Bush's second term. Rice, co-architect of the recent Iraq war and noted hawk, will, to a great degree, help shape foreign policy for the entirety of her tenure as the nation's top diplomat.

Upon hearing of the news, North Korea's 'Dear Leader' Kim Jong Il tee-teed in his britches and whimpered pitifully, showing his cognizance of the ramifications of Rice's appointment for his regime. North Korean papers have tried to make the best of the situation, and have begun referring to Kim as "the Dear Knickerbocker-Tinkler" in all official government progaganda.

Dreadlocked Right-Winger in Lonely Battle

Robert Allen, the world's only Rastafarian Republican, is fighting an uphill battle in his native Jamaica, canvassing his Kingstown neighborhood in an effort to convince voters of the merits of laissez-faire capitalism, low taxes, and conservative cultural values.

"My neighbors, dey all be swingin' dey heads and singin' dat crazy music," explained Allen. "Dey no got time for to listen to me preachin' about fiscal responsibility an' t'ings of that sort. I tell dem dat Bush is the man for the job, dat some folks is simply evil an' must be done away with, an' dat the Europeans is the wave of the ancient past, man, but dey no listen Robert, no. Maybe if my name was Robert Marley, an' I was a wailin', dey might heed my calls for smaller gov'ment an' decreased fed'ral spendin'. But even DEN, you never know."

France to Contribute a "Very Sharp Cheddar" to Iraqi Peacekeeping Effort

After much arm-twisting by the United Nations France finally agreed to contribute to the American-led coalition in Iraq, volunteering to send a "very sharp cheddar" in order to assist with the peacekeeping efforts in the troubled country.

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin explained to the BBC this morning: "Do you know what a sharp cheddar can do to a meal? It will throw everything off. I defy you to find a wine that can go with both sharp cheddar and unleavened bread. Or, with sharp cheddar, LEAVENED bread, and sheep entrails. It simply cannot be done. With the enemy thus preoccupied, the Americans and British forces will surely be able to overrun them."

Some world leaders had rather sharp comments for Monsieur de Villepin, but de Villepin put all of their remarks into a snifter and spent the afternoon snifting and snifting at them.

National Umlaut Day Goes Largely Unnoticed

National Umlaut Day came and went today with very little fanfare, and with hardly any increased awareness of the importance of the umlaut to human communication.

Lülü von Schünënfrëügüël, chairwoman of the Inernational Association for the Promotion of the Umlaut, claimed that poor media coverage and general American apathy to the plight of the umlaut was to blame for this year's lackluster turnouts at umlaut festivals and umlaut parades nationwide. "Wë müst rëspëct thë ümläüt, ör ït wïll dïsäppëär," Dr. von Schünënfrëügüël said.

In Mexico, however, the concurrently-held Dia del Tilde was a smashing success, according to event organizers. Some festival-goers became so excited that they even began flipping exclamation points and question marks upside down and placing them at the beginnings of exclamatory and interrogative sentences, respectively, for greater emphasis.

"¡Wöw, thöse Mëxïcäns süre knöw höw tö trëät ä lëxïcäl äppëndägë!" von Schünënfrëügüël enthused. "Ï'll bë brïngïng thïs üp ät nëxt yëär's cönfërëncë, thät's för sürë."

Bush to Begin Spending "Political Capital"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced on Monday that newly re-elected President Bush will start spending what he calls "politcial capital earned from getting re-elected." In his first speech after Kerry conceded the election, Bush began referring to a brand new form of money that he received after winning the support of the American people. "You see, when you win a popularity contest, I mean the Presidential election, it confirms all of your thoughts that the American people love you," Bush continued to say "not only do they love me, but they all took out their check books and awarded me copious amounts of political capital." When asked how he plans to spend his newly acquired wealth, Bush stated "On a cream cheese pinata, of course, but that's just the beginning. I'm not gonna spend it all on cream cheese Mexican party devices, I have other plans, you just wait and see." McClellan refused to speculate as to what the President will now do with his capital, but The Daily Scoffer has received a classified list that was taken off of the President's desk in the Oval Office. It read as follows:

How to Spend Political Capital
By George

Cream Cheese Pinata
Six Pack of Vasoline
Fly Swatters(two)
French Flag
Lighter Fluid
Matches
Day spent hanging out with Jose Canseco
"I Heart Long Duck Dong" bumper sticker

Poland Switches to Columns

The country of Poland, historical homeland of the Poles, will begin using columns for all of its architectural load-bearing needs beginning this month, the Polish National Assembly declared on Friday. Columnists were overjoyed at hearing the news, while race car drivers scheduled to start in first place were generally opposed to the change.

In other regional news, after millennia of famine conditions Hungary finally invaded Turkey. High levels of L-Tryptophan prevented the Turkish military from mounting a timely defense of their homeland. Furthermore, the Turks were surprised by the Hungarians' unorthodox style of attack--the Hungarian army got a good running start and slid all the way across Greece and right up to the Turkish border.

It is rumored that Chile tried to send reinforcements to Turkey, but that Hungary intercepted them before they could reach their destination.

'National Spotlight' Operators on Strike

The Guild of National Spotlight Operators today announced that negotiations with the federal government had failed, and that they would strike beginning at midnight tonight. Lenny Wheeler, Guild spokesperson, said that between the Scott Peterson case, the Martha Stewart case, Britney Spears' nuptial adventures, the recent presidential campaign, and the release of new Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries, the national spotlight has been in almost constant use. Management's refusal to grant labor's requests for higher overtime pay and better dental benefits left the guild with little choice but to go on strike, according to Wheeler.

In order to bridge the gap, Secretary of Hype, Browbeating, and Bamboozlement Donna Shalala this morning federalized the National Guard, which will begin fanning out across the country tomorrow in small puppeteer troupes in order to whip the national polity into a frenzy over excruciatingly inconsequential minutiae.

U.S. Treasury Gets Pay-Day Advance

U.S. Treasury secretary John Snow made an early morning visit to "Easy Money Pay-Day Advance" to cover the U.S. budget until payday on April 15, 2005. "People assume that the U.S. just mints this stuff", Snow sighed as he held up a handful of Benjamin's, "but we only get paid once a year and sometimes lame-duck appropriations bill's just won't wait." Snow said that the U.S. government, once a proud and respected institution, had taken out a signature loan of $6,420,690,324.05 to cover corporate tax cuts, the draining of the Everglades, federally funded abortions, Tom Daschle's farewell luncheon and body armor for troops in Iraq. (Snow said that the body armor was thrown in so that any senator that voted against going to "Easy Money" could be repeatedly accused of voting against body armor.) The bill that gave Snow permission to get the loan has been dubbed the "Easy Money Act" by hill insiders but will publicly be called the "McCain-Biden Awesome America Bill".

Al Gore Jockeying for White House Mailroom Supervisor Post in 2008

Al Gore, who lost the race for president in 2000 to George W. Bush, is said to be jockeying for a position as White House mailroom supervisor if a Democrat is elected in 2008. Others also being considered for the job are John Sununu, Lawrence Eagleburger, Bishop Desmond Tutu, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and Carrot-Top.

The White House mail supervisor is 45,000th in line for the presidency, immediately behind St. Lawrence Spillway Visitors' Center brochure editor and Meow Mix advertising talent scout, but just ahead of The Daily Scoffer two-bit wisecracker.

al Aqsa Asthmatics Brigade Missed Arafat's Homecoming

Members of the al Aqsa Asthmatics Brigade missed their chance to attend the homecoming of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat on Friday, citing high particulate matter concentrations in the air, as well as dangerous ozone levels.

"We wanted to go, really we did," explained Yusuf al Islam al Catstevens al Teaforthetillerman al Tikriti, "but fellow brigadier Abdul was a bit sniffly, and when I saw the weather report, and checked my personal hygrometer, I knew it was a day best spent indoors. We will make it to the next humiliating display of the inefficacy of Palestinian 'leadership', and will join our brothers in making bedlam. Oh, and death to Israel, death to America."

The al Aqsa Asthmatics Brigade garnered worldwide attention in 1998, when it delcared an intifada against airborne allergens and powdery mold.

Pinko, Twit Fade Away; Hitlerina Gearing Up for 2008

Uncle Ho-derriere smoocher John Kerry and his twit running mate John Edwards have swiftly faded from the spotlight (sources suggest they may be using Kerry's boat) after their failed run for the White House. Mealy-mouthed Democratic spokesmen (and -women!) around the nation expressed dismay at the outcome of the election, but hinted that they were looking forward to wasting millions of dollars on the next spineless loser's campaign.

Meanwhile, ex-Gorgon Hillary Clinton was heard muttering "Agamemnon, Agamemnon!" in her Senate office on Friday, as aides explained she was debating whether or not to seek the presidency in 2008. "It's not a question of whether I wish to run," Clinton explained in a statement issued Friday afternoon, "but, rather, a question of whether my husband will allow me to sacrifice Chelsea in order to seal the fate of my opponent, whoever that may be. The legal question is, then, 'can a girl whose soul has already been auctioned off to allow her father to win twice in the Gilded Nineties become a valid sacrificial victim for her mother, as well?' I have secured the counsel of Dan'l Webster and will make my final decision based upon his findings."

White House Pushing Lame Duck Protection Bill through Congress

The White House is lobbying hard for passage of the Lame Duck Protection Act, a bill currently in committee in the lower house that would make hunting for, shooting at, laughing at, jeering at, looking askance at, or misquoting lame ducks a felony offense.

The lame duck (anas claudae) is the rarest of American waterfowl. There is only one every four or eight years.

Ashcroft Retires in Order to Spend More Time Fingerprinting Family

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced last week that he will be resigning his position in February in order to spend more time fingerprinting his family.

"I haven't fingerprinted my children in months," Ashcroft lamented, "and the last time I ran my wife's retinal scans through the FBI computers was in August. I have no idea what she might have gotten into since then."

Ashcroft, who caused a stir in 2002 by suggesting that President George Bush may have overstayed his presidency visa, will be replaced by a giant meat grinder, through which will pass all those who wish to live, work, study, or travel in the United States.

On learning of this, Ashcroft said, "Heck, we had a meat grinder. But I had it set to 'Commies Only'. Now they tell me...".

Muqtada al-Sadr to Release "Ululating to the Oldies"

Firebrand Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr will release his newest workout video, "Ululating to the Oldies", on Monday.

Apart from being a vital source of revenue for al-Sadr's operations, his line of workout tapes are also key components in every insurgent's training regimen. For example, some budding anarchists who watch al-Sadr's programs learn how to ululate for maximum hatred-sculpting, while others prefer the rage-toning track. "Ululating for Buns of Steel" and "Ululating Your Way to a Slimmer You" were among last year's most popular episodes in this best-selling series.

Sorry, no delivery is available. "Ululating to the Oldies" is sold only in al-Sadr's louse-infested hovel, or at the Fallujah Gap.

Palestinians Seriously Over-react To Peterson Verdict

In an unexpected show of emotion over a seemingly routine event half a world away Palestinians took to the streets of Ramallah today as the verdict of guilty was returned for Scott Peterson. Residents of the West-Bank and Gaza climbed telephone poles, fired AK-47's in the air and women donned black to walk wailing prayers through the streets. "It is quite flattering but I don't see why I am so important to them," the ethnocentric Peterson was quoted as saying, "they must get court t.v."

In unrelated news, Yasser Arafat was transported from his funeral in Cairo, Egypt to be buried at his former compound today.

Colombia, Palestine to Hold Coup d'Etat/Riot Exchange

Top-level leaders from Colombia, which experiences a coup d'etat roughly once every fourteen hours, and Palestine, which is in a near-perpetual state of pandemonium, agreed yesterday to hold a summit in December in order to exchange expertise on violent, sudden changes of governments, and on quelling uprisings of unemployed societal dregs.

It was unclear where the summit would take place, but sources from both sides expressed a desire to "get as far away [from Colombia and Palestine] as is humanly possible."

At the time of this writing, there had been three new administrations in Colombia and five assassinations of summit organizers in Palestine, leaving the future of the talks in doubt. One Palestinian official, who requested that his name be withheld, said, "perhaps we can just agree to walk out on the balconies of our respective walled compounds at a certain time and fire our automatic weapons into the air as a gesture of friendship/mutual desperation."

Colombian generals with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke seemed open to the idea, right up until the time they were summarily executed by their lieutenants.

Who Will Hijack Planes and Murder Israeli Children Now?

Where have you gone, Yasser Arafat? Who will take your place? Who will co-opt the legitimate cause of Palestinian autonomy for his own ends, squeeze billions of dollars out of the ruined Palestinian economy, hijack planes, and send brainwashed minions to murder hundreds of innocent Israeli citizens, including children and pregnant women? Who will wear towels on his head as dashingly as you did? Who will mix blue-and-white checks and olive fatigues with as much panache? Who will allow the sniveling French to kiss his arse in a most unmanly display of appeasement; who will smile big for the cameras, talk tough for the papers, and allow gangs of armed thugs to terrorize Jew, Muslim, and Christian families alike? Who, I ask, who will do the world this service now?

'Oh, bereft of great men doth the sad globe spiral
More mournfully now, bearing heavy parades,
For gone is the two-timing, smooth-talking, back-stabbing,
Most ineffectual King of Charades.'

New Medicine Cures Confusion Over New Medicines

Gulliblex, a new medicine developed by Glaxo Laboratories and approved for use yesterday by the Food and Drug Administration, will, according to researchers, help patients who are currently suffering from confusion and disorientation as a result of seeing so many medicine commercials that never explain what in the world the medicine being advertised is for. This painful condition, known as common sense, may manifest itself in symptoms such as nagging doubt, perplexity, chronic desire to ridicule, and persistent unwillingness to suffer fools. People who think they may have common sense are encouraged to see their doctor, and to ask him to prescribe Gulliblex in horse doses at maximum cost to the federal government.

The FDA cautions that side effects of Gulliblex may include beri beri, scurvy, and becoming a Democrat. If you are already a Democrat, there is no need to begin a Gulliblex regimen--you are already immune.

Museum of Fezzes, Kaffiyehs, and Yarmulkes To Offer Top-Dollar for Arafat's Headgear

The International Museum of Fezzes, Kaffiyehs, and Yarmulkes is said to be in heated negotiations with Palestinian officials over the price of departed leader Yasser Arafat's distinctive head-wrap, known as a kaffiyeh. The museum is offering one hundred dollars, but the Palestinian delegation says it is worth much less than that. They announced that they wouldn't part with it for a farthing more than five farthings (one farthing=one-half guinea=.232 krugerrands=12 crowns=three-tenths of a guilder).

You may visit the Museum at its main location in Cairo, Egypt, or at its satellite locations in Denver, Jerusalem, beside Lake Titicaca, and in the basement of the first welcome center as you enter the eastern end of the Khyber Pass. Admission is 11,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dinars (one dinar=five farthings--see above), and on Tuesdays children under 12 and all hajis and mujahedeen get in free.

Don Evans, Say It Ain't So!

World fiancial markets lay in ruins Wednesday after the announcement by Secretary of Commerce Don Evans that he would soon be retiring from President George Bush's cabinet.

"We have lost all will to go on," said Li Guoxiong, spokesman for the Finance Department of the People's Republic of China. Others around the world echoed Li's sentiments, such as Nakano Masanori of Japan's Banking Oversight Commission, who told a reporter, "many of our employees did not show up for work today, citing the ending of the Evans era as the reason for their absence." Holland, Djibouti, India, Chile, and most of the Federated States of Micronesia declared a day of mourning and cancelled all government services out of respect for the departing Secretary.

Bush was said to be considering replacing Evans with a cardboard cutout of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, who would perform essentially the same duties as Evans did, but for a much lower salary. Al Gore is rumored to be second in line for the position.

Let's All Celebrate European Weirdos and their Rapacious Greed

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate the several foolhardy religious fanatics who boarded a leaky wooden boat and set sail across the frigid Atlantic Ocean in order to be free to practice their creepy cult-like brand of fringe Christianity on land they would steal from the people already living there. What merriment does this not inspire? Come one, come all to share in the harvest, eked out of the stony New England earth by folks who knew more about fulminating than about farming. Yea, stolen from the icy grip of approaching old man winter, the year's bounty was made possible by the most famous sap in world history, Squanto, who kindly showed the pilgrims how to cheat him out of everything his tribe had. Let us commemorate this great moment in our history! All who admire these brave travelers, their extreme intolerance, and their boundless greed--meet me at the cornucopia for an evening of good-cheer and glee!

Try New Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce

Procter and Gamble is proud to announce the release of its newest body-care product--Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce. Worn by such notables as Dr. Phil McGraw, George Steinbrenner, and Diane Sawyer, Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce is a zesty way to spice up your underarms.

Blended to complement Procter and Gamble's entire line of Southwest-inspired wares, Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce is said to go best with the clean, manly scent of Crusty Dungarees Saddle-Rash Flare-Up After Shave and Back O' The Outhouse Body Soap with Sumac Crystals. But bring a rope when you go shoppin', 'cause you'll likely meet with a regular Texas-sized riot in the toiletries aisle!

Kate Moss to Appear on Rolling Stone

Model Kate Moss will appear on the cover of the December issue of Rolling Stone magazine; it will be Moss' first time on a Rolling Stone.

In related news, People magazine's "50 Sexiest Pundits Alive" issue is set to hit newsstands tomorrow. William Safire and Maureen Dowd top this year's male and female categories, respectively, while William F. Buckley will be granted a special lifetime achievement award for 'Most Repulsive Dry-Mouth in the Business'. People editors hinted that James Carville may or may not win 'Pundit Who Most Resembles a Wet Marmoset', suggesting that this year's race remains wide-open.

Serious Inquiries Only

We here at The Daily Scoffer have jumped on the Bush/Cheney bandwagon of job creation and will try to do our part in helping unemployed TDS readers find new jobs. The following jobs should only be applied for by serious applicants only. Good Luck!

Seasonal Leviathan needed. McCloud, Utah is looking for a Leviathan to inhabit it's lake during the holiday season. Competetive pay based upon experience. Membership in the "MMoSD" Union (monsters, madmen and other scary dudes) helpful, but not neccessary. At least 1000 years experience of being a Leviathan neccessary.

"Bob Newhart" impersonator. The Dirty Nugget Casino Reno, Nevada is putting together a stage show of favorite TV personalities of past decades. "Bob Newhart" will headline the star-studded cast that includes "Bud" from the Cosby Show, "Tooty" from Facts of Life, "Charlie Dietz" from Empty Nest and "Det. Tony Baretta" from Baretta

Fjord Navigator/Shortshoreman 1-800-WEFJORD

An Open Letter To Carbs From Fat America

Dear Carbohydrates:
We here in Obese America (a.k.a. All of America) owe you a deep and heart felt apology. For over 2 years now we have blamed you for everything that is wrong in our lives and now that we have gained back all of the weight from our "Atkins Diet" and have tripled our risk of heart disease in the process we have come to realize that it was rash to cut you out of our lives all together. In hindsight we have come to realize that a diet that consisted of all bacon and sausage was not exactly "balanced" but how were we to know? Also, sorry for calling you Carbs all the time, we know your name is Carbohydrate and we apologize for getting so familiar. In addition we realize now that is was pretty retarded to call things completely devoid of all carbohydrates "carb friendly". Now that we look at things from your perspective pushing you out of our diets and slandering your name to all that would listen could be construed as downright "unfriendly". Lastly, our bad for blaming you for SARS, foot and mouth, adult onset diabetes and the Madrid train bombings. We were way out of line.

Sorry,

Obese America

Akron Spells Death For 2 Popular Franchises

Today is a sad day for fans of both gratuitously graphic police dramas and geographically themed t-shirts as Akron, Ohio spells death for C.S.I. and The Hard Rock Cafe. The fall from stardom was a long time coming for Hard Rock. The restaurant has survived recent near fatal cities such as Gatlinburg, TN and Branson, MO, but expanding into Akron has provided the death blow. By moving into a city with only minimal ties to rock and roll (i.e. S-99.3 Akrons Smooooth Rock Station)and little or no tourist presence Hard Rock has effectively lost all the credibility that the once trendy and independent punk-rock burger-joint with cool t-shirts that have names of places on them your friends want to go / rock museum had left. Now even tourists to London from small American towns will dismiss H.R.C. as a dining option because "we want to eat somewhere you can't eat at home" before going to the 8 story London GAP. The fall from grace was more rapid for C.S.I. but still came as no surprise. After exploring every single way that one could kill a man (and subsequently be brought to justice) in N.Y., Miami, Las Vegas, Chicago and L.A. the show has committed certain suicide by deciding to focus on the vibrant Akron crime scene. The first two episodes, "The Cow-Killer" and "The Cow-Molester" both finished last in their time-slot behind Law and Order: Small Claims Court and Survivor-Great Plains.

Richard Reid and the Sneakers Release Greatest Hits

In hopes that music will indeed tame the most savage beast, the U.S. Army has allowed the inmates being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to form a house band to play at the weekly "Pork Free Pig-Out and Beach Party". The beach party is attended by all inmates who have refrained from tom foolery in the preceding week. (Tom foolery is defined as throwing feces at guards, digging holes in cell floors and refusing to break under torture.) The band has quickly become a hit around "Git-Mo" and has just released a new album that includes 11 new tracks and one cover. The Daily Scoffer has acquired an early release of the disk, here are the tracks you can look forward to hearing:

1. Don't Cry For Me Tora Bora
2. On Jihad Again
3. Raspberry Burqah
4. I Left My Sleeper Cell in San Francisco (Feat. The Lackawanna Six)
5. Hard Candy Ramadaan
6. I Can't Get No (legal representation)*
7. Blowin' Up Georgia On My Mind
8. Private Eyes (are watching me poop in a bucket)
9. You Can't Martyr This
10. Fatwa of '69
11. These Boots Are Made For Explodin'
12. Unchained Melody

*Produced by John Walker Lindh

Stay tuned to The Daily Scoffer for the most up to the minute entertainment headlines.

Valerie Bertinelli Fan Club Disbands; Dozens Disappointed

The Valerie Bertinelli Fan Club, dedicated to celebrating the life and work of the 80s breakout sitcom One Day at a Time star, will close its doors next Friday, leaving dozens of devoted fans without a forum for sharing their love for the multi-talented actress.

Especially saddened by the decision were the club's executive officers; Treasurer Louis Gossett, Jr., Secretary Joey Lawrence, Vice-President Tony Danza, and President Dustin Diamond all expressed dismay at the decision.

Lawrence issued a taped statement in which he spoke on behalf of the group, saying, "Whoa!"

Al Roker to Receive TOMMY Award

NBC weatherman and certifiable lunatic Al Roker is slated to receive the Token Minority of the Year (TOMMY) award at a ceremony to be held at Radio City Music Hall this Saturday night. Roker, who holds no position of real responsibility at NBC, was given the job of Today Show meteorologist in a blatant attempt by the network to garner more black viewers for its notoriously white audience-focused programming.

This year's nominees include Lisa Ling of ABC's The View, Good Morning America's Spencer Christiansen, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno's own Kevin Eubanks, and every Secretary of Education and Secretary of Labor in American history.

Event organizers expect a lot of awkward patronizing and guilt-ridden self-deprecation on the part of all whites in attendance.

Martyr Reunion Sparsely Attended

The al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade held its annual Martyrs Reunion and 10K Fundraiser Kickoff Bash on Thursday, an event that historically has been very lightly attended.

"The only people who come here are those who did not properly wire their pipe bombs," complained Abdul al Kablam al Kapowie, himself a failed suicide bomber. "Look over there, do you see that guy? That is Jared Pinkerton al Dorqawi, a recruit from Idaho. The only thing that happened when he pushed his button was that a silly camera on a spring popped out of his jacket--all he could do was smile and take a picture of the bewildered crowd around him. Every bomber knows: red for boom-boom, yellow for click-click--and pink or blue for emergency pacifier."

When al Kapowie was asked what had happened to foil his plans to murder some innocent children and their families, the 19 year-old Syrian native shrugged and said, "Ah, I decided I'd rather go back home and play video games."

al Kapowie was wearing a 'I Came This Close To Martyrdom, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt' T-shirt.

Constitution Declared Unconstitutional

The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, which in 2002 ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional, yesterday unanimously declared the Constitution of the United States of America to be, in fact, unconstitutional.

Judge Willy Wetbottom wrote the representative opinion, explaining that, "the Founding Fathers' assumption that there was any God whatsoever, and thus any legitimacy to the churches from which they were attempting to separate the fledgling Republic, is deeply disturbing, and is offensive to all who believe--sorry, bad choice of words--to all who hold that rank atheism was the true guiding principle of the framers of our democracy. Furthermore, not one of the signatories to the Constitution was a woman, nor were there any homosexual, minority, or illegal immigrant delegates present at the signing. Therefore, we, the court, deem the document null and void."

Upon hearing the news, a man named Noah began constructing a forty cubit-long boat in preparation for some "big water" that he believed would follow quickly on the court's ruling.

NOAA Releases 'Wish List'

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration today issued a wish list of sorts, entitled, "The Top Ten Meteorologically-Themed Musical Performer/Group Names We'd Like to See in 2005". The list in full (starting from the bottom):

10. El Nino y los guapos
9. Weak Cold Frontin'
8. High Pressure Dome-ingo/Carreras/Pavarotti
7. Upper-Level Disturbance
6. DJ Jet Stream
5. Billy Ray Cirrus
4. Gale Waterspout and the Funnel Cloud-ettes
3. Thunderhead
2. The Feeder Band
1. The Small Craft Advisories (feat. Light Chop)

This is the first such list to be issued by a government agency.

VP Buoyed by Chants of 'Four More Sneers'

Vice-President Dick Cheney admitted to feeling "inspired" by the chants of 'Four More Sneers! Four More Sneers!' that greeted him as he stepped off of Air Force Two in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, after it had become all-but-certain that he and President George Bush would return for a second term at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

"I've snickered, and I've chortled, and I've sneered derisively all across this great country, and now to see that it's finally paying off--well, it makes me want to grimace contemptuously for a while," said Cheney, who was visibly moved by the crowd's gesture. In a cell-phone call lasting some forty-five minutes, Cheney and Bush, respectively, huffed and guffawed in an apparently-private language shared only by the two men themselves.

Whigs Take Hit in Election

The Whig Party sustained a heavy blow in the elections Tuesday, dropping every single race in which it had entered a candidate. The party of Zachary Taylor and William Henry Harrison issued a statement which read, "all those who value states' rights have suffered a defeat this week--but we will press on, recruiting new members who care about Tippecanoe and about the Missouri Compromise. We may be down, but we're not out."

Whig campaign headquarters, which can be reached only with a letter written on vellum with a quill pen, may take a fortnight or more to respond to The Daily Scoffer's request for an interview with party higher-ups.

Bush's Message to the World: 'If the Name of Your Country Ends in -ran, -stan, or -orth Korea, Watch Out'

President Bush opened up his foreign policy platform speech this morning with some tough talk for those who may be thinking of crossing him in the next four years. While declining to address his threats to specific nations, Bush sternly announced that "if the name of your country ends in -ran, -stan, or -orth Korea, you'd better watch out, because we're coming for you and we're not bringing any letters like I or Uzbeki or N to put you back together when we're through thrashing the living daylights out of you."

Bush also said that he was pleased with Russian president Vladimir Putin's ringing endorsement of his re-election, adding, "there's no disputin', nor is there any refutin', I love Putin, yes, I love Putin. You're durned tootin', and I swear by Rasputin, that I love Putin, yes, I love Putin."

When asked to respond to Bush's comments, Putin smiled broadly and said, "Ah, my little Ba-Bushsky!"

Kerry Campaign Chief Laments Time Spent Courting Latvian Vote

Kerry campaign strategist Tad Devine today revealed in an interview with The Washington Post that deep divisions within the Democratic camp over whom to beckon into the Kerry fold may have wound up costing the Massachusetts senator the presidency.

"I kept saying, 'Forget the Latvians, let's go after the crucial East Timorian immigrant base', but, nooooo, some people in charge were too good to listen to me," said Devine.

Had Kerry won every East Timorian immigrant's vote this election he might have surged eleven to twelve votes in the polls, Devine asserts.

Bush Vows to Reach out across Aisle...and Slap Ted Kennedy

In his acceptance speech on Wednesday, President George W. Bush vowed to "reach out across the aisle to Democrats" in a spirit of reconciliation after the bitterly-contested campaign for the White House.

However, most members of the audience, and almost all who viewed the speech on television, were unable to catch what Bush muttered under his breath right after he uttered the word 'Democrats' in the line quoted above. In point of fact, if one listens closely one can hear Bush promising to "reach out across the aisle to Democrats (and to slap Ted Kennedy right in his lobster-hole for being a low-down dirty liberal, and a Yankee to boot)". This is in keeping with George W. Bush's curious custom of occasionally inserting meaning-twisting lines into key passages of important public announcements. For example, at his inauguration speech in January of 2001, Bush, in actuality, agreed to "preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States (of Argentina, Bolivia, and Lesotho)."

Homesick Arafat Requests Suicide Nurses

A homesick Yasser Arafat, who just yesterday declared an intifada against bad hospital food, this afternoon requested that he be attended to only by suicide nurses, who, after checking his blood pressure and updating his chart, were to jump out of the window in Arafat's suite and plummet 24 stories to the ground below.

Arafat released a statement to the press that read, "I have requested suicide nurses because the French don't seem to know anything about running a hospital. None of the doctors will obey my fatwas, and none of the surgeons seem to have the slightest inkling as to how to fix a jammed AK-47. However, I am feeling better after a steady diet of mullah loaf and Molotov cocktails, and I am touched by the many lovely shrapnel bouquets that have poured in from all over the world."

As a gesture of goodwill to the French for their efforts on his behalf, Arafat gave an order to Hamas to move France from number three to number four on the "List of Countries Where the Streets Will Run Red With Blood", an order which Hamas subsequently ignored.

Indians Look Forward to Four More Years of Paleface Hegemony

Native American tribal leaders across the United States reacted with joy after learning the outcome of the presidential election early Wednesday morning.

Chief Darrell Eaglefeather, spokesman for the Cherokee Nation, told The Daily Scoffer, "We can't wait for four more years of the white man's dominance over our sacred lands, and of the white man's shamelessly crass co-opting of our deeply spiritual aboriginal culture. It's a real treat to live under paleface suzerainty, emasculated by whisky and welfare and reduced to sad shadows of our formerly proud selves. Wow, so a white guy won--that's great news."

Top Republican strategist Karl Rove was confident that a couple of shots of President George W. Bush wearing a turquoise-studded bolero tie had "sealed the deal with the fickle Injun electorate." Chief Eaglefeather declined to respond to Rove's insights.

North Korea to Rename Nodong Missile after John Kerry

North Korea's official newspaper, the Rodong Ilbo ("Workers' Daily"), reported yesterday that the communist country would be renaming its long-range missiles "John Kerrys" as a consolation to the Massachusetts senator whose recent bid to turn the United States into a crippled socialist nightmare of a country ended Thursday after the American electorate came to its senses.

The missiles had previously been named "Nodong" missiles; undisclosed sources within the U.S. Congress reflected acidly that the renaming seemed to convey exactly the same meaning as before.

Donald Trump to Frank Serpico: "You're Wired"

Frank Serpico made a surprise cameo appearance on NBC's hit show "The Apprentice" last week, only to become the butt of a long-planned practical joke as billionaire tycoon Donald Trump leveled an emotionless "You're wired" at Serpico at the end of the show. Much hilarity subsequently ensued as a dismayed Serpico slunk out of the boardroom's big wooden doors and off camera.

Other cameo appearances on "The Apprentice" in the past, and Trump's parting shots at them: Donald Rumsfeld ("You're quaqmired"); Quasimoto ("You're spired"); Billy Graham ("You're choired"); recently-conceived blastocyte ("You're sired"); unrepentant witch ("You're pyred"); and the man who ran and swam ten times around the world ("You're tired").

How To Keep Off Those Holiday Pounds

With Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner we here on The Daily Scoffer health staff would like to offer some advice on how to make sure those holiday treats don't make you any more obese than you already are.

1. Don't buy your children any Christmas presents. Presents=Mall and Mall=Pretzel Time. Don't risk it. The kids will understand.

2. To avoid constant snacking on left overs make sure you eat everything on the table when you sit down to that holiday meal. It is better to eat an entire pecan pie on Thanksgiving than a piece a day for the next 2 weeks.

3.When taking communion this season only eat half of the wafer.

4.Remember: Cranberry Sauce is the enemy.

5. Work off those calories by sleeping with your wife's sister while she is out caroling.

6. Remember to purge after every meal.

Happy Holidays!

Possible Concession Speech

Bush: "Hello"
Kerry: "I hate everything you stand for"
Bush: "Thank you! I love ponies"
Kerry: "I stole your hat and am in the midst of pooping directly inside of it. Please wear it the next time I see you"
Bush: "Nossir, can't do"
Kerry: "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"
Bush: "Great campaign. We should do it again sometime"
Kerry: "I hope you choke on fruitcake this holiday season"
Bush: "Come by and see me at the White House if you get a chance"
Kerry: "I concede"
Bush: "I love America more than you"
Kerry: "I hope you fornicate with goats"
Bush: "Buh-bye"
Kerry: "Bastard!"

EXCLUSIVE EXIT POLL RESULTS!

The Daily Scoffer has bribed, lied and cajoled and has a acquired the following early exit poll results:

(Margin of error+/- 3%)

*voters who exit after voting -------------------97%

*voters with children who left them in car ------56%

*voters who lied about length of line to
boss to miss more work------------------------88%

*voters who are now experiencing
"voters remorse" ------------------------------69%

*voters who wrote in random celebrity for
state representative -------------------------- 1%

*voters who wrote in Carl Winslow
for state representative -----------------------2%

*voters who are disenfranchised by high
poll tax (Mississippi only)--------------------42%

*voters who heart the Daily Scoffer ------------100%

**Stay tuned for more news as it breaks.**