Clinton Opens New Presidential Library--21 and Over Only, Please; Jilted Ladies Get in Free

Every living President (including current president Bush) and their respective wives were on hand today for the dedication of two-term Democratic chief executive Bill Clinton's presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas. The library, which houses all of the paperwork and other important or historically-significant items and documents from Clinton's presidency, opened amidst great fanfare and laudatory speeches from many high-ranking foreign and domestic dignitaries, as well as from several Little Rock community leaders.

At Clinton's behest, the library will feature a slightly unorthodox 'Harem Wing', wherein will dwell several richly-adorned concubines who will 'comfort' Clinton when he is forced to spend the night at the library. Historians and other scholars will also have access to this unique addition; however, Arkansas state law prohibits minors from entering the premises, so IDs will be checked at the door.

As a special feature, though, and again at President Clinton's insistence, all jilted ladies and other scorned or publicly humiliated women will receive free admission to the library, as well as one free Hamlet-esque glance into the 'Ambition Mirror', which will soothsay one's future in iron-pantied, viciously liberal New York State politics.

The library is open from 5 p.m. (the beginning of happy hour, featuring half-price margaritas) until 2 a.m., Thursday through Saturday. It will be open, however, on every religious holiday when it might prove politically expedient to do so.