Louisiana Political Observers Certify Ukranian Election

Results of the bitterly-contested Ukranian presidential election, which pitted pro-Russian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych against West-leaning candidate Viktor Yushchenko, were certified today by Louisiana political observers who had been monitoring the proceedings from their headquarters in Kiev, the Ukranian capital.

Clive Broussard, head of the Louisiana delegation, said at a press conference this morning, "Frankly, I don't see why people are so up-in-arms over the whole thing. Voter turnout was only around one-hundred and three percent nationwide, and in some counties the vote was denied to those who had been dead for more than six months. If you ask me, I think we're the ones who should be protesting. Honestly--I even heard a rumor that folks in Kiev were upset that people were being allowed to vote three times. Three times! In Louisiana, if you don't vote five times they don't even count your ballot."

Valdimir Putin agreed heartily with Broussard's remarks in a statement issued this afternoon, and invited the Louisiana team to oversee the next Russian election in 2006. "I make prediction-ski," said Putin, "Putin win by landslide-ovich, or else no borscht for anyone. Except Putin."