Homesick Arafat Requests Suicide Nurses

A homesick Yasser Arafat, who just yesterday declared an intifada against bad hospital food, this afternoon requested that he be attended to only by suicide nurses, who, after checking his blood pressure and updating his chart, were to jump out of the window in Arafat's suite and plummet 24 stories to the ground below.

Arafat released a statement to the press that read, "I have requested suicide nurses because the French don't seem to know anything about running a hospital. None of the doctors will obey my fatwas, and none of the surgeons seem to have the slightest inkling as to how to fix a jammed AK-47. However, I am feeling better after a steady diet of mullah loaf and Molotov cocktails, and I am touched by the many lovely shrapnel bouquets that have poured in from all over the world."

As a gesture of goodwill to the French for their efforts on his behalf, Arafat gave an order to Hamas to move France from number three to number four on the "List of Countries Where the Streets Will Run Red With Blood", an order which Hamas subsequently ignored.