'National Spotlight' Operators on Strike

The Guild of National Spotlight Operators today announced that negotiations with the federal government had failed, and that they would strike beginning at midnight tonight. Lenny Wheeler, Guild spokesperson, said that between the Scott Peterson case, the Martha Stewart case, Britney Spears' nuptial adventures, the recent presidential campaign, and the release of new Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries, the national spotlight has been in almost constant use. Management's refusal to grant labor's requests for higher overtime pay and better dental benefits left the guild with little choice but to go on strike, according to Wheeler.

In order to bridge the gap, Secretary of Hype, Browbeating, and Bamboozlement Donna Shalala this morning federalized the National Guard, which will begin fanning out across the country tomorrow in small puppeteer troupes in order to whip the national polity into a frenzy over excruciatingly inconsequential minutiae.