Ashcroft Retires in Order to Spend More Time Fingerprinting Family

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced last week that he will be resigning his position in February in order to spend more time fingerprinting his family.

"I haven't fingerprinted my children in months," Ashcroft lamented, "and the last time I ran my wife's retinal scans through the FBI computers was in August. I have no idea what she might have gotten into since then."

Ashcroft, who caused a stir in 2002 by suggesting that President George Bush may have overstayed his presidency visa, will be replaced by a giant meat grinder, through which will pass all those who wish to live, work, study, or travel in the United States.

On learning of this, Ashcroft said, "Heck, we had a meat grinder. But I had it set to 'Commies Only'. Now they tell me...".