Let's All Celebrate European Weirdos and their Rapacious Greed

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate the several foolhardy religious fanatics who boarded a leaky wooden boat and set sail across the frigid Atlantic Ocean in order to be free to practice their creepy cult-like brand of fringe Christianity on land they would steal from the people already living there. What merriment does this not inspire? Come one, come all to share in the harvest, eked out of the stony New England earth by folks who knew more about fulminating than about farming. Yea, stolen from the icy grip of approaching old man winter, the year's bounty was made possible by the most famous sap in world history, Squanto, who kindly showed the pilgrims how to cheat him out of everything his tribe had. Let us commemorate this great moment in our history! All who admire these brave travelers, their extreme intolerance, and their boundless greed--meet me at the cornucopia for an evening of good-cheer and glee!