Don Evans, Say It Ain't So!

World fiancial markets lay in ruins Wednesday after the announcement by Secretary of Commerce Don Evans that he would soon be retiring from President George Bush's cabinet.

"We have lost all will to go on," said Li Guoxiong, spokesman for the Finance Department of the People's Republic of China. Others around the world echoed Li's sentiments, such as Nakano Masanori of Japan's Banking Oversight Commission, who told a reporter, "many of our employees did not show up for work today, citing the ending of the Evans era as the reason for their absence." Holland, Djibouti, India, Chile, and most of the Federated States of Micronesia declared a day of mourning and cancelled all government services out of respect for the departing Secretary.

Bush was said to be considering replacing Evans with a cardboard cutout of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, who would perform essentially the same duties as Evans did, but for a much lower salary. Al Gore is rumored to be second in line for the position.