Poland Switches to Columns

The country of Poland, historical homeland of the Poles, will begin using columns for all of its architectural load-bearing needs beginning this month, the Polish National Assembly declared on Friday. Columnists were overjoyed at hearing the news, while race car drivers scheduled to start in first place were generally opposed to the change.

In other regional news, after millennia of famine conditions Hungary finally invaded Turkey. High levels of L-Tryptophan prevented the Turkish military from mounting a timely defense of their homeland. Furthermore, the Turks were surprised by the Hungarians' unorthodox style of attack--the Hungarian army got a good running start and slid all the way across Greece and right up to the Turkish border.

It is rumored that Chile tried to send reinforcements to Turkey, but that Hungary intercepted them before they could reach their destination.