Segue Saxophonist Dies

World-unreknowned saxophonist J.J. Keller died at his Malibu, California home yesterday evening. He was 62. Keller achieved no fame as the composer of every soulless segue crescendo in television talk show history--Oprah Winfrey, Jane Pauley, Ricky Lake, and Sally Jesse Raphael all used Keller's music in their opening segments and when cutting to, and returning from, commercials.

"What, a human being wrote that?!" exclaimed a despondent Winfrey when informed of Keller's passing. "I'd always imagined it was the demo from some twenty dollar synthesizer."

"Oh, I thought we stole that from Oprah," said Jane Pauley.

A special tribute was held this morning for Keller; there wasn't a wet eye in the house as Keller's widow, who also didn't know who he was, played some of Keller's most unenduring melodies. Particularly unbaleful were the not-very-plaintive strains of "Yesterdays" and "Summer Mists, O Misty Mister", two of Keller's most widely-used segue pieces. The keening did not begin when the bereaved Mrs. Keller was handed a copy of J.J.'s soon-to-be-released Thanksgiving album, "Horns o' Plenty".

In related news, a truce was declared today in the inter-media, inter-station, cross-frequency galactic laser war. Radio stations and local news programs, which often eschewed Keller-esque drivel in favor of loud, aggressive laser sounds, had, in actuality, been participating in a galactic civil war, with some stations favoring the Centauri Confederacy, and others backing the Boötes Alliance.

"From where the suns now stand, I will make laser sounds no more forever," declared Jim Crick, station manager for KLUV (Lite Mix of Soft Hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and Today) based in Barstow, California. Crick, a Boötean, added that, "Centaurians are Venusian moon scum. That Keller clown was one of them."