Bush Vows To Find Those Responsible For Tsunami; Names Neptune, Poseidon, Davy Jones New Axis of Evil

At a Wednesday press conference U.S. President G.W. Bush (W) had harsh words for "those proliferating tsunamic terror." He said the recent tsunami had all of the hallmarks of an Al Qaida attack except that it happened to non-westerners, was not suicidal in nature, was not followed by any claims by the terrorist organization and involved tectonic shifting and million upon millions of gallons of water. W went on to conjecture that Al Qaida must have had help pulling off such an attack and named Neptune, Poseidon and Davy Jones as the new oceanic axis of evil. Bush dismissed reporters who pointed out that Neptune and Poseidon are the same entity and that Davy Jones has not left his locker in years by stating that "The collation of the willing and coerced will hunt down any being, whether folk or mythological, who uses their powers for terror and will bring them to justice. This will be done by our own band of superfolk, The Occupiers." After much digging TDS has uncovered that the Occupiers powers include going to war for dubious reasons, holding fraudulent elections, installing sham governments, color coding, double talk and hypersonic underhandedness. When asked why he had waited three days to speak publicly in the wake of the worst natural disaster in memory, Bush replied that he had been looking for his "tsunami boots".

Merry Christmas 2004

We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to send our sincerest Holiday Wishes to everyone of our loyal readers, all four of you. We couldn't do it without you! Due to the recent Iraqi insurgency, the problems the President has encountered with cabinet nominations, record breaking snows in south Texas and seasonal inebriation from spiked Egg Nog we apologize for the lack of articles. Our reporters have been embedded, on location, behind the scenes and hot on the trail preparing to bring the hottest, most up-to-date stories for 2005. So please stay tuned for some great scoffing in the next year. May all of your holiday wishes come true and don't forget the Reason for the Season!

Members Only Opens Doors

We have all been there before, chillin' out at the club, trying to spit some pimp juice at a local durty leg, and who comes over??? A man dressed so dashingly that nothing you can do or say will make a difference. The lady was his before he even walked up. And you know what the irony is in the whole situation? The article of clothing that secured his late night rompings with the abovementioned lady isn't even available to you. We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to announce that this tragic event shall no longer plague our lady-chasing readers. Recent lawsuits brought to the Members Only Inc., the company who manufactures those exclusive jackets, now allow anyone, members and non-members, to adorn themselves with the coolest fashion piece since Bolo ties. The fashion world's attempt at discrimination is over. So go out young men and proudly wear those flat grey and blue jackets with pride. The next time a hot, new accessory hits the fashion world, say a nice cod piece, lets not exclude some, but rather let all enjoy in the fun.

Peter Billingsley Hasn't Shot Eye Out

After an exhaustive search of L.A. nightclubs and B-movie sets the Daily Scoffer is happy to report that we have found Peter Billingsley and he has not shot his eye out. We recently caught up to the child star who portrayed Ralpie in the cult Christmas classic "A Christmas Story" and he confirmed to us that both of his peepers are quite in. "Holy fudge, if one more person asks me that I am going to stick a Red Ryder up their ass." Billingsley said when queried by TDS reporters. "It was just a movie. In real life I know and practice proper safety techniques when handling firearms." Billingsley, who is a card carrying member of the N.R.A., assured us that he has taken several fire arms safety courses, although TDS can report that some of these were a provision of his probation for shooting his mother after she washed his mouth out with a bar of soap. Billingsley says that he has matured since the incident, and that anyone that wants to see how he has matured as an actor can check out his 2000 release, "No Deposit, No Return", our his 2003 skin flick, "A Christmas Story With No Pants." Billingsley is currently working as a gaffer on the set of Steven Segal's latest film "Fireloins", and says his future plans include driving around Beverly Hills putting his resume in random mailboxes.

Wolf Blitzer Undresses Paula Zahn With Eyes

A well placed source in the CNN breakroom has reported that Wolf Blitzer has confided with Anderson Cooper that after last night's show he used his powers of imagination to picture Paula Zahn naked as they walked to their post production wrap up meeting. According to our source Anderson shuddered and mumbled something along the lines of "sick bastard" and walked briskly from the room. A CNN spokeswoman said that officially that type of behavior at CNN is strictly prohibited, except in the case of Aaron Brown who she says can "read my teleprompter anytime". When informed of Blitzer's actions Zahn said that she was highly offended, but also suprisingly intrigued. Blitzer did not return our request for an interview but did release a statement that said "I wear a beard to hide my shame."

Ricky Williams Leaves Life of Sex, Drugs and Money for Life of Sex, Drugs and A Little Less Money

There has been a surprising twist in the ongoing, seeming to be never-ending saga that is Ricky Williams’ life. Mr. Williams, who has been no stranger as of late to the world of news, finally announced late Thursday why exactly he did decide to retire for the National Football League. “You see, I was living a life that was centered around doing drugs, having lots of sex with beautiful women, and making tons of money...oh yeah, and playing a little football every Sunday,” Ricky was quoted as saying to the AP. “My focus was all wrong, so I decided to quit the NFL and direct all of my attention to getting high and sleeping with lots of women.” When asked about the reported 8.6 million he now owes the Dolphins, Mr. Williams said “umm, yeah, that part kinda sucks...but I still have my sex and drugs to fall back on. The whole football thing was just a distraction.”
In related news, New Orleans Saints Owner Tom Benson and former coach Mike Ditka were seen having dinner at famed French Quarter Restaurant Antoines by The Daily Scoffer’s very own field correspondent Boog Rector. Mr. Rector told TDS that Mr. Benson and Mr. Ditka were discussing how awesome it was when they both decided it would be a great idea to trade 47 draft picks over 21 years in order to acquire Ricky Williams a few years back. Boog Rector proceeded to ask the two gentlemen if they still considered the former trade a good idea considering the latest news surrounding Mr. Williams. “Most definitely. It’s not everyday that you get the chance to completely ruin a NFL franchise,” Mr. Benson replied. Assuming they were dead, Ruben Maize, Dalton Hilliard, Ricky Jackson, Sam Mills, Bobby Hebert, Morton Anderson and the punter who actually kicked the football backwards in a live game and never heard from again all rolled over in their respective graves.

Ba'athist Trials Could Get Messy

The trials of several former officials of the Ba'athist regime, which governed Iraq until coalition forces overthrew Saddam Hussein last year, could be messy, warn officials within the US State Department who have asked to remain anonymous.

As this article went to press, there was a ring of journalists around the compound where the Ba'athists are being held, colloquially known as 'the tub'. Security at the tub is tight, especially since Ba'athist strongman Suds al-Showeri was assassinated last month by a local Iraqi man.

There will be no guns, knives, bombs, toasters, or rubber duckies allowed at the trial. All burqas must be monogrammed; the judges' parents will beat on the wall if the trial goes on for more than five minutes.

Monocle Returns To the Mainstream, Mr. Peanut Gloats

After a long, hard fall from its once lofty perch as the preferred eyewear accessory of wealthy industrialists and social gadflys the monocle is enjoying a meteoric rise back into the right eye sockets of society. The monocle has long been thought of as one of the finest examples of "functional fashion," a sentiment that Claude C. Vandermorganbilt articulated when he opined, "I do say, two bits to the man who can produce something that can both coordinate with my derby and elevate half of my vision to near perfect clarity!" But soon after offering that bold challenge Mr. Vandermorganbilt slept with his sister and the industrial revolution was over. The monocle was replaced by the duonocle, which would evolve into the eyeglasses of today. But as the phoenix rises from the ashes the monocle has come back to join bellbottoms, leg warmers, disco and Martin Van Burean in proving that everything will sooner or later come back in style. As monocle sales continue to skyrocket society is returning to that gilded age when an entire work force could be wiped out on a whim and any shocking event was punctuated by the sound of a room full of monocles falling to the floor. So take it from your humble reporter/monocle salesman, to be on the cusp of the fashion wave hop into your horseless carriage go get a monocle today.

AICPA To Adopt Steroid Testing Program

The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants (AICPA) has announced that in an effort to avoid an embarrassing P.R. nightmare they will begin a comprehensive and personally invasive steroid testing program. "We can no longer turn a blind eye," said AICPA President Scooter McFly, "the way these guys have been receiving accounts is unheard of, they must be juicing." There have been other allegations swirling around the accounting profession, such as cooking the books and corking pencils, and with tax season just around the corner the AICPA is eager to put the controversy to rest. "It is really about the kids," explained Ernst & Young bean counter Seth Sneed, CPA, "after actors, athletes, musicians, video game characters, VJ's, astronauts, argonauts and cosmonauts kids look to us as role models. We need to balance our sheets in an ethical and drug-free manner." All AICPA members will be required to visit a local drug testing agency and the visit will count as 1 hour of CPE credit. The cost of the visit will of course be written off as an unreimbursed business expense, according to a high level TDS source.

Only One More Shopping Day Until Christmas

Even though there are 13 days left until the actual holiday there is only one more shopping day until Christmas, TDS has learned. According to the Group of Retailers Engaged in Enormous Discounting (G.R.E.E.D.)the holiday shopping season has been moved up one day every year for the past 13 years. A GREED spokesperson explains,"In an effort to cash in on the holiday retail boost as soon as possible each year we have been getting the holiday season into gear a little faster. This year for example the day after Thanksgiving was on November 12th." According to the spokesperson malls and outlets across America have been accomplishing this feat by putting out holiday decorations early, playing Christmas music in stores by August and bringing Santa's, gift wrapping stations and Salvation Army bellringers into stores as early as necessary. TDS has learned that shoppers can hit after Christmas sales on December 15th, and begin shopping for Valentines Day on the 23rd.

Hardees Receives "Corporate Citizenship Award"

It doesn't happen that often, but every now and then a company exemplifies standards and policies that we here at TDS feel needs to be honored. CKE, Inc. or Hardees to you layman, is one such company. The following list explains why Hardees deserves the "Corporate Citizenship Award". After reading, we feel that you will agree.

1. Combining sausage, eggs, cheese and grits and putting them all in one bowl. Yum.
2. Painting brown substance on biscuits to give them that "made from scratch" texture and look.
3. Serving breakfast "all day" on Tuesdays. Amazing.
4. By employing those who have been fired from McDonalds and Burger King, you give hope one minimum wage hour at a time.
5. Although it doesn't contain any actual peaches, your Peach Milkshake gives our pallets an almost orgasmic sensation.
6. When others said it could'nt (or should'nt) be done, you created a burger so collosal that it is now possible to digest an entire months worth of fat and calories in one setting.

Thank you Hardees. For this and so, so much more!

Bonds/Giambi Scandal

In light of the recent steroid scandals surrounding Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi, The Daily Scoffer uncovered a still-classified list of famous MLB players of past and present and their addictions. Sources close to current commissioner Bud Selig tell TDS that deciding to release this list could have a serious ripple effect in the sports world. Stay tuned to The Daily Scoffer as we continue to uncover other sports stars and their tragic addictions.


Rollie Fingers: Caffeine Pills
"Oil Can" Boyd: 10-W40
Babe Ruth: "Oh Henry" Bars
John Kruk: Big League Chew
Derek Jeter: Own reflection
Paul Molitor: Aspercreme
Dale Murphy: Circus Peanuts
Andre Dawson: Anime
Bob Lemon: Lime-Aid
Delino Deshields: Burt Bacharach
Orel Hershiser: Fellatio
Daryl Strawberry: Creme de Menthe

Aww, Man, Now Baseball's Ruined

The ol' baseball stadium used to be the stomping ground of ludicrously overpaid megalomaniacs who could round the bags in a matter of minutes and adjust their wayward jockstraps with naught but a flick of the wrist. Dribbling chaw juice and profanities, these titans were the stuff of legend--doe-eyed children all across America and Canada looked to the denizens of the diamonds as unto gods and heroes from another age.

But now baseball is really ruined. The admission last week by Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi that they had taken performance-enhancing substances on a regular basis destroyed the heretofore-unblemished reputation of all of the boys of summer. What? What is this? Do you mean to tell me that when men of average build, within a space of five days, become hulking behemoths rippling with muscles that all of it, all of the otherworldly prowess and lion-like power and grace, is a sham? How could this be? Oh, baseball, we never doubted you, not for one second, until this sad December when all the lights went out on all of our fields of dreams.

Where have you gone, Jason Giambi? Our nation turns its sated eyes to you. And Barry, great bulk marbled with riverine agility and supple twitch, can you step out of the dugout one last time to say that none of this is true? Now our children will have to find some other self-worshiping millionaire to look up to, some other miserly drug addict after whom to model their own lives. You've really let us down, baseball. We never, never saw this coming.

Screen Actors Guild Sets Forth Moral guidelines

Confused and uncertain in the soul-less, godless world that they have created for themselves the Hollywood elite have established a set of "sins" that will hopefully provide direction and purpose to life. While it is not required for the general population to follow these rules viewers of Entertainment Tonight and readers of US, People and Lemming Quarterly will surely imitate the actions of those blessed with beauty and silicon. The Daily Scoffer has of course obtained a list of these so called "Sins of Rodeo Drive" that have been release by the Screen Actors Guild (SAG).

Deadly Sins of Rodeo Drive
by The Screen Actors Guild

1. Buying off the rack
2. Modesty
3. Deviating from the script at award shows*
4. Knowing why you hate the Bush administration
5. Self-respect
6. Eating Ranch dressing
7. Giving back to the community
8. Not owning a pair of UGG boots
9. Missing Tuesday night scientology discussion group
10. Flying commercial

*except the Euro Daytime Emmy's

We hope that by following these maxims you can enjoy a more shallow, empty existence.

O Tanningbed!

O Tanningbed, O Tanningbed,
Your radiation cooks us.
O Tanningbed, O Tanningbed,
Your sweaty film infects us.

It is the highest form of glee--
To pay for what God gives for free.

O Tanningbed, O Tanningbed,
Your UV rays mutate us.

Saints Receive Bowl Invitation

The hapless New Orleans Saints received their first bowl invitation in team history today--organizers of the P&G Toilet Bowl asked the Saints to participate in the annual event "every year, in perpetuity", a team spokesman revealed.

"We thought about it, and I think we'll accept the offer," said Jim Haslett, coach of the Saints. "It was either this, or try to use our skill and talent to make it to the Super Bowl. Hey! You in the back! I don't remember asking you to laugh!"

Although it is unclear at this point against which team the Saints will play, the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals also have standing invitations to the bowl. In the event that all three teams decide to participate, bowl planners will allow them all to take the field simultaneously. "Nobody will reach the endzone anyway," said Mike Morley, founder of the P&G Toilet Bowl. "And I think the stadium will be able to accommodate the extra dozen or so fans."

(A special TDS senior correspondent and Louisiana bureau chief contributed to this report.)

Insurgents Branch Out

Iraq-based insurgents have expanded their operations in order to take advantage of the unique economic and cultural situations in a rapidly-evolving Cradle of Civilization, various wire reports indicate.

In Mosul, where the electric supply grid is notoriously prone to sudden spikes in voltage, local rebels have begun selling "Arabian Star Insurgent Protectors". And in Basra, once the cultural capital of Iraq, a low-ranking mullah has brought Insurgio Rossi-brand jeans, as well as Insurgio Garcia golf and leisure wear, to market. But perhaps the most brazen of the corporate piracy has taken place in Baqubah, where Mahmoud Abbas has released "Like an Insurgent (Jihadin' for the Very First Time)", which has gone straight to the top of the Iraqi charts and has provided much-needed revenue for the insurgent cause.

The Daily Scoffer will continue to monitor the situation on the ground, and will report back as events warrant.

Clinton Endorses Use of Medical Marijuana

Former President Bill Clinton has been giving speeches endorsing the use of marijuana by those with special medical needs, sources close to Clinton tell The Daily Scoffer. An excerpt from a speech that Clinton gave on Saturday to the Federated Septuagenarians of Rochester reads:

"Yes, when I was a greenhorn I tried to use marijuana in order to regulate, nay, in order to cure, brothers and sisters, in order to cure my predilection towards being a spineless tax-and-spend liberal. But I didn't inhale, brothers and sisters--and there I went wrong, yea, truly I did. I wended along the road of inflationary fiscal policies and eventually led America down the primrose path past the Era of Good Feelings and straight into the gaping jaws of a global terrorist crisis. I should have inhaled, I say. And so I will, should I ever have the chance again."

One of the septuagenarians with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke said, "that blamed fool ran his yap so durned long that the buffet sausages went cold. What in tarnation was he on about?"

NBC Issues Apology

NBC Today Show producer Jeff Zucker read an on-air apology this morning after the show, and the entire network, failed to embellish any news items the entire day yesterday.

"We at the Today Show pride ourselves on our ability to muckrake with the best of them," said a contrite Zucker. "Yesterday, we did not live down to the low standards that we set for ourselves, and that our viewers have come to expect from us. As producer, I take full responsibility for this oversight. To make it up to our audience, this afternoon, departing Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will kidnap Katie Couric's two guinea pigs and will hold them for ransom at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, where police will try to talk Ridge down using a combination of tough love and promises of a guinea pig of his very own. Ridge will refuse, and will escape with Mexican president Vicente Fox's daughter to a Chilean hideout, where he will demand an interview with Tom Brokaw within forty-eight hours. Brokaw will decline, and Ridge will settle for Sanjay Gupta, who will wear a silly bulletproof vest and will pause from time to time to remind the viewing public of the dangers of food, America's number-one killer. There may or may not be a Dateline special immediately following the affair, which will glorify Ridge's crimes and insinuate that it is much better to be a criminal on TV than to be a law-abiding citizen in obscurity. Katie Couric will feed Democratic pundits leading questions throughout the entire day, and will make several inane and vapid comments at the top and bottom of each hour. You will not want to miss this, folks. It will be an NBC exclusive--we may even have to preempt "Dimwitted Fame-hounds Gagging themselves on Bugs and Guts" in order to bring you continuing coverage of the hostage crisis as it unfolds. Again, we are deeply sorry for our mistake."

After the apology, Couric asked Zucker, "Do you think, Mr. Zucker, that this could be a Republican plot to murder Cuban children and sell missiles to New Zealand in exchange for a blood-for-oil deal with the devil?"

Zucker shook his head ominously and said, "If only it wasn't, Katie. If only it wasn't."

Gas, Healthcare, Steel Prices On the Rise, Kids of America Don't Care

With Mommies and Daddies all across the country fighting falling wages and higher costs of goods and services the toy industry has called on children every where to show no mercy in their holiday wish lists. "America's kids have really risen to the occasion," said Sal Ivate of Kick em'While their Down Toys, "the hot items this year are $899 mini-choppers and $149.99 Nintendo DS game units, and kids from Cally to Sarasota are completely disregarding the financial situations of their parents and demanding these gifts." Meanwhile Lester Franks, who pays $14,000 a year to send his son to private school, $400 a month in health insurance, $2500 a summer for soccer camp, provides Abercrombie & Fitch jeans at $38 apiece and regularly buys milkshakes, is not as enthusiastic. "He has more things and has been more places at age 15 then I had at age 35, yet he won't come out of his room because I refused to buy him an "America Idol" karoke machine." While some innocent parents like Mr. Franks are getting squeezed a recent report by the Pew Research Center suggests that many parents have brought this upon themselves by trying to buy the love and respect of their children. "When times were good in the recent years many parents have thrown toys, trips and electronics at their kids rather than really parent" Pew researcher Cal Thomas explained from his ivory tower,"and now that the cost benefit ratio of child neglect is no longer favorable many parents are trying to go back to good ol' quality time and the kids aren't having it." When reached for comment Junior Franks, Lester's son, said that his Dad was selfish, unfair and smelled of cabbage.

Chinese Gov't Hires Jay Leno to be New Spokesman

In the wake of recent mining and transportation industry disasters, the central government of the People's Republic of China today announced that it had hired American late night talk show personality Jay Leno in the capacity of official spokesman and public relations agent.

Leno's first day on the job was made even more difficult by the explosion at a coal mine on Thursday that left more than one hundred underpaid and neglected Chinese workers dead, and hundreds more injured. But Leno, a standup comic by trade, seemed to take the added pressure in stride, reprising his famous Doritos® sales pitch in saying, "blow up all the lowly, disenfranchised citizens you want--we'll make more!" Leno went on to add that, "Mao didn't say, 'the people are everything.' What he really said was, 'overtaxing, and then abandoning, the people are everything.' Hey, is this thing on? Take my wife--please! I'm here all week, folks; try the veal."

Chinese government leaders were vacationing at their luxury ocean resort at Beidaihe, just east of Beijing, and so were unavailable for comment on the mine explosion, or on Leno's hiring. A simple ventilation fan and a couple of caged canaries could have prevented the explosion, say international mining safety experts; the Chinese goverment released a "White Paper" report last year in which it was calculated that the average Chinese citizen's life is worth 3 RMB (42 cents), making the purchasing and installation of safety equipment for anything less than fifty million Chinese people "fiscally untenable".

President Bush Visits the Great White North

Less than one day after Pres. Bush announced, in a rather riveting press conference mind you, that Carlos Gutierrez will become the next Sec'y of Commerce, our fearless leader has proved once again that renewing and revitalizing diplomatic relations throughout the world is his top priority. "The President is committed to showing every nation in the Coalition of the Nay-Sayers(a nickname ole' W made up to reference all of the nations not participating in the war in Iraq) that he is most definitely still, da man," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said late Monday at an Oval Office press conference. "Our goal is travel to each country that decided not to send troops to Iraq and do three things: eat their food, sleep with their women and make them shake our hands while smiling and groveling at numerous photo ops, although not necessarily in that order. The American people spoke, and this is the type of actions that they would like to see from their President for the next four years," McClellan later added. Pres. Bush is scheduled to meet with Prime Minister Paul Martin in Canada's most lame province of Ottawa later today. Sources close to TDS have told us that the President is, however, looking forward to receiving the ceremonial gift basket that includes a "Strange Brew" DVD(with never before seen footage), a six pack of Molson Ice, 3 lbs. of Canadian Bacon and one other token, stereotypical Canadian item to be named later.

Louisiana Political Observers Certify Ukranian Election

Results of the bitterly-contested Ukranian presidential election, which pitted pro-Russian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych against West-leaning candidate Viktor Yushchenko, were certified today by Louisiana political observers who had been monitoring the proceedings from their headquarters in Kiev, the Ukranian capital.

Clive Broussard, head of the Louisiana delegation, said at a press conference this morning, "Frankly, I don't see why people are so up-in-arms over the whole thing. Voter turnout was only around one-hundred and three percent nationwide, and in some counties the vote was denied to those who had been dead for more than six months. If you ask me, I think we're the ones who should be protesting. Honestly--I even heard a rumor that folks in Kiev were upset that people were being allowed to vote three times. Three times! In Louisiana, if you don't vote five times they don't even count your ballot."

Valdimir Putin agreed heartily with Broussard's remarks in a statement issued this afternoon, and invited the Louisiana team to oversee the next Russian election in 2006. "I make prediction-ski," said Putin, "Putin win by landslide-ovich, or else no borscht for anyone. Except Putin."

This Season's Hottest Toys!

Every Christmas, there are toys that transcend the title of gift and elevate themselves to must-have cultural icons. From Tickle-Me-Elmo to Furby, these toys have caught the fancy of society and for a few glorious weeks have sold at many times their actual value. But unlike most embarrassing displays of unfettered greed and gluttony, this is not only an American phenomenon. TDS has compiled a list of the most sought-after toys from around the world:

Canada - Harry Potter and the Socialist Tundra
Mexico - Hasbro Border Buster
Iraq - Martyrn' Max's Wacky Mujahedeen
United States- Unilateral Barbie
Germany - Nerf Coalition Blaster
North Korea - Photo of Dear Leader and 4 oz. uncooked rice
Russia - My First Dirt Farm
France - Tickle Me Kofi
England- Nintendo Game Lad

Happy Holidays!

Cleveland Family Upset Over Green Bean Casserole Absence

Keeping with tradition as of late, the Carter family from Cleveland, Ohio celebrated Thanksgiving early this year in order to accomodate hectic family schedules. "My husband has been working overtime at the office, Deanna has had basketball practice three times a week this year and Stephen, well we all know Stephen is smoking pot everyday, but he tells us he is volunteering at the local Police Station. He says they put him charge of 'roughin' the suspect' down at the precinct, but whatever. Anyways, all I wanted was some f****ing green bean casserole this year at Thanksgiving dinner, is that too much to ask," Susan Carter told TDS in a colorful interview earlier this afternoon. "It's like going to a birthday party and not having cake or going to the Greasy Spoon on Mondays and not having the fried catfish," Susan waxed, "you get the family together, drive two hours north to Toledo to the in-laws and NOT find green bean casserole on the table. How the hell do you have Thanksgiving Dinner and forget the go**amn green beans?!" The Daily Scoffer advised Susan that we would not be able to continue the interview if she continued to use profanity. Susan then proceeded to tell our reporter where he could put the interview.
The Daily Scoffer would like to take this time to thank all of our readers for their loyal support. This holiday season we are thankful for two things: you and sarcasm! Ciao!

Segue Saxophonist Dies

World-unreknowned saxophonist J.J. Keller died at his Malibu, California home yesterday evening. He was 62. Keller achieved no fame as the composer of every soulless segue crescendo in television talk show history--Oprah Winfrey, Jane Pauley, Ricky Lake, and Sally Jesse Raphael all used Keller's music in their opening segments and when cutting to, and returning from, commercials.

"What, a human being wrote that?!" exclaimed a despondent Winfrey when informed of Keller's passing. "I'd always imagined it was the demo from some twenty dollar synthesizer."

"Oh, I thought we stole that from Oprah," said Jane Pauley.

A special tribute was held this morning for Keller; there wasn't a wet eye in the house as Keller's widow, who also didn't know who he was, played some of Keller's most unenduring melodies. Particularly unbaleful were the not-very-plaintive strains of "Yesterdays" and "Summer Mists, O Misty Mister", two of Keller's most widely-used segue pieces. The keening did not begin when the bereaved Mrs. Keller was handed a copy of J.J.'s soon-to-be-released Thanksgiving album, "Horns o' Plenty".

In related news, a truce was declared today in the inter-media, inter-station, cross-frequency galactic laser war. Radio stations and local news programs, which often eschewed Keller-esque drivel in favor of loud, aggressive laser sounds, had, in actuality, been participating in a galactic civil war, with some stations favoring the Centauri Confederacy, and others backing the Boötes Alliance.

"From where the suns now stand, I will make laser sounds no more forever," declared Jim Crick, station manager for KLUV (Lite Mix of Soft Hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and Today) based in Barstow, California. Crick, a Boötean, added that, "Centaurians are Venusian moon scum. That Keller clown was one of them."

Locusts Descend upon Israel, Hamas Claims Responsibility

Hamas leaders called the Doha, Qatar-based al Jazeera television network this morning to claim responsibility for a swarm of locusts that began descending upon the Israeli countryside late Saturday evening.

"We sent the locusts to pester the Zionists in their satanic country," the unsigned Hamas statement read. "Next we will send frogs, then boils, then flies--no, wait, it will be flies, then frogs, THEN boils--and finally we will send Barbara Streisand. Let us see if the Zionists can withstand that."

Each locust was reportedly wearing a tiny checkered kaffiyeh and buzzing, "death to Israel, death to America, death to sorghum, wheat, millet, barley, and pulse".

al Zarqawi Signs Ben Wallace

Terrorist leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi has signed former Pistons forward Ben Wallace to a three-year, three-hundred million dinar deal after Wallace's involvement in a free-for-all fisticuff Friday night led to his dismissal from the NBA.

"I liked Wallace's stuff. He showed he's not afraid to act irrationally, and that he has a penchant for unnecessary violence. We can use him on our team," al Zarqawi declared to The Daily Scoffer in a telephone interview from an undisclosed location.

Wallace's first move as an insurgent was to ask his new boss for time off in order to promote his upcoming rap album, entitled, "It's All About the Dinars, Y'all".

Ron Artest Switches Sports

Indiana Pacers small forward Ron Artest switched sports abruptly Friday night; critics contend that he should have waited until the basketball game in which he was playing was finished before taking up amateur boxing.

"As a boxer, Artest is a good basketball player," one boxing analyst commented. "He stayed too long on the ropes, and he swung wildly, completely neglecting to protect either his face or his body. What's more, a 150 pound white guy was able to restrain him for several seconds, and even managed to land a few punches to the side of his head before Artest retaliated. Artest needs a lot of time in the gym, and I don't mean time spent practicing free throws."

Pacers coach Rick Carlisle said he was surprised by Artest's sudden decision. One fan with knuckle-marks on his cheeks said he was probably even more surprised than Carlisle.

Russian Energy Minister Breaks Up Yukos; Putin Taps Kudos to Fill Gap

Russian Energy Secretary Gregor Dayanokan today formally announced that the Russian government would be breaking up the energy monopoly of corporate giant Yukos, and would be selling it piecemeal on the open market. This comes as no surprise to commodities and exchange brokers, who had long been expecting the hubristic Yukos management team to incur the wrath of the Russian state, outside of whose parameters the company had begun to operate.

In an unexpected move, though, Russian president Vladimir Putin told a joint session of the Duma today that he would be enacting his special administrative authority in order to force Yukos' holdings and subsidiaries to begin selling Kudos, the chewy, chocolatey treat that moms and kids can both go for. Kudos corporate spokesmen with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke said they were flabbergasted by the news, but quickly admitted that they were elated by the prospect of a phenomenal increase in sales.

Putin aides said that Putin came up with the idea to make Yukos sell Kudos the night before he was to address the Duma. "Before that, he had nothin'," said Plessky Voivonovich, Putin's spokesman.

Blair Says, "Anglophone Countries Must Stick Together"; Bush Replies, "We'll Use Our Own Phones, Thank You Very Much"

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, in Washington for a visit with President George Bush, iterated in a speech to the Washington Press Club on Thursday afternoon that, "Anglophone countries should stick together and help one another to thwart terrorists around the globe."

Upon hearing of the contents of Blair's speech, President Bush replied, "Good idea, but we'll use our own phones, thank you very much. I don't trust European tel-com further'n I can throw it, which ain't far, seein' as I don't even know where in the Sam Hill it is."

Blair is rumored to have wept all the way back to England.

Public Finds Blasphemy of God's Mother "Hilarious"

Public opinion polls show that Americans, by a wide margin, find the blaspheming of Mary, Mother of Jesus and Virgin Bearer of the Word made flesh, "moderately-" to "uproariously hilarious." When Earl Potts, of Lumberton, Wisconsin, placed an old grilled-cheese sandwich with a purported image of the Mother of God on the surface of the bread up for auction on EBay last week, the American public reacted with unbridled glee. News stations around the country picked up the story, and anchormen (and -women!) took great delight in laughing into their sleeves at the high comedy of Mr. Potts and his unholy pabulum.

It is unclear what God Himself thinks about this event, but a recent spate of earthquakes, floods, typhoons, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, floods, landslides, avalanches, wars, famines, pestilences, poverty, suffering, disease, and crime could perhaps be taken as a vague indication.

Senator Kerry Proposes Tax Cuts for Henpecked Eunuchs

Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts, who recently returned to Washington after a long, grueling, and ultimately unsuccessful campaign to transform the United States of America into a lumbering socialist monstrosity, spent his first day back at his old job in a heated debate over a new tax relief program that the senator has begun to advocate.

"All men between the ages of 50 and 70 who have had their testicles removed by the icy fingers of their foul-mouthed, domineering, shrewish wives deserve substantial tax relief," Kerry explained in a speech before the Senate this afternoon. "If you are henpecked, cuckolded, nagged, pestered, or in any way emasculated by your battle axe, I want you to know that the government cares, that the government understands, and that the government will work to help you in any way that it can."

Clinton Opens New Presidential Library--21 and Over Only, Please; Jilted Ladies Get in Free

Every living President (including current president Bush) and their respective wives were on hand today for the dedication of two-term Democratic chief executive Bill Clinton's presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas. The library, which houses all of the paperwork and other important or historically-significant items and documents from Clinton's presidency, opened amidst great fanfare and laudatory speeches from many high-ranking foreign and domestic dignitaries, as well as from several Little Rock community leaders.

At Clinton's behest, the library will feature a slightly unorthodox 'Harem Wing', wherein will dwell several richly-adorned concubines who will 'comfort' Clinton when he is forced to spend the night at the library. Historians and other scholars will also have access to this unique addition; however, Arkansas state law prohibits minors from entering the premises, so IDs will be checked at the door.

As a special feature, though, and again at President Clinton's insistence, all jilted ladies and other scorned or publicly humiliated women will receive free admission to the library, as well as one free Hamlet-esque glance into the 'Ambition Mirror', which will soothsay one's future in iron-pantied, viciously liberal New York State politics.

The library is open from 5 p.m. (the beginning of happy hour, featuring half-price margaritas) until 2 a.m., Thursday through Saturday. It will be open, however, on every religious holiday when it might prove politically expedient to do so.

Daily Scoffer Steps On First Toes!

In a groundbreaking event for us here at the Scoffer we have finally, after much trying, received our first dissenting comment when the following comment was submitted in response to "France to Contribute "A Very Sharp Cheddar" to Iraqi Peace Keeping Effort".
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my name es Pierre Montlei, and I dont appreciate the consitant remarks directed toward my country

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Finally, a Frenchy with some spine! We effeminately salute you Pierre! TDS spokesman Wellingborough Redburn has released the following statement:
"We here at TDS take our mission of offending our every reader very seriously. And, by offending one reader we appear to have succeeded in our mission. Thank you and goodnight!"

Man Pays $35,080 For Status Symbol

Local comptroller Ivan Poser recently purchased a 2004 Hummer H2 and paid the full sticker price of $54,580, which by any measure makes him a large sucker. Internal GM documents obtained by the Scoffer indicate that the "real" value (transportation, safety etc) of the H2 is $19,450 which means that after paying a $50 "doc fee" Poser spent $35,080 on the perceived status that goes along with being a Hummer owner. "Now when people see me on the highway, or more frequently the gas station, they will know that I have reached a level of success so great that I have enough money to obtain any luxury I want as long as I can finance it for 72 months." said a beaming Poser as he loving caressed the steel grill of his canary yellow behemoth. The H2 is undeniably a ground breaking vehicle, combining the style and luxury of a UPS truck with the environmental friendliness of Dick Cheney, this rolling middle-finger to mother earth won't fit in a standard garage. "Why would I even want to garage this baby," Poser posed, "I haven't been comptrollin' for 20 years to hide my success in the garage." Psychologist Harvey Monotone said that most people who buy vehicles of this size are soccer mom's trying to find power on the highways that their alcoholic husbands don't give them at home or men of diminutive stature or character who have succumb to a Nepolionic complex. Poser's case is much more simple he says, "Ivan simply wants to catch the eye of a lady half his wife's age." hypothesized Monotone. When reached for comment about his Dad's purchase Poser's 18 year old son Dale said that it would have been cool to go to college but, "whatever."

Condoleeza Rice Nominated for Sec'y of State, Kim Jong Il Wets Pants

Former National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice has been tapped by President George Bush to replace departing Colin Powell as Secretary of State during Bush's second term. Rice, co-architect of the recent Iraq war and noted hawk, will, to a great degree, help shape foreign policy for the entirety of her tenure as the nation's top diplomat.

Upon hearing of the news, North Korea's 'Dear Leader' Kim Jong Il tee-teed in his britches and whimpered pitifully, showing his cognizance of the ramifications of Rice's appointment for his regime. North Korean papers have tried to make the best of the situation, and have begun referring to Kim as "the Dear Knickerbocker-Tinkler" in all official government progaganda.

Dreadlocked Right-Winger in Lonely Battle

Robert Allen, the world's only Rastafarian Republican, is fighting an uphill battle in his native Jamaica, canvassing his Kingstown neighborhood in an effort to convince voters of the merits of laissez-faire capitalism, low taxes, and conservative cultural values.

"My neighbors, dey all be swingin' dey heads and singin' dat crazy music," explained Allen. "Dey no got time for to listen to me preachin' about fiscal responsibility an' t'ings of that sort. I tell dem dat Bush is the man for the job, dat some folks is simply evil an' must be done away with, an' dat the Europeans is the wave of the ancient past, man, but dey no listen Robert, no. Maybe if my name was Robert Marley, an' I was a wailin', dey might heed my calls for smaller gov'ment an' decreased fed'ral spendin'. But even DEN, you never know."

France to Contribute a "Very Sharp Cheddar" to Iraqi Peacekeeping Effort

After much arm-twisting by the United Nations France finally agreed to contribute to the American-led coalition in Iraq, volunteering to send a "very sharp cheddar" in order to assist with the peacekeeping efforts in the troubled country.

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin explained to the BBC this morning: "Do you know what a sharp cheddar can do to a meal? It will throw everything off. I defy you to find a wine that can go with both sharp cheddar and unleavened bread. Or, with sharp cheddar, LEAVENED bread, and sheep entrails. It simply cannot be done. With the enemy thus preoccupied, the Americans and British forces will surely be able to overrun them."

Some world leaders had rather sharp comments for Monsieur de Villepin, but de Villepin put all of their remarks into a snifter and spent the afternoon snifting and snifting at them.

National Umlaut Day Goes Largely Unnoticed

National Umlaut Day came and went today with very little fanfare, and with hardly any increased awareness of the importance of the umlaut to human communication.

Lülü von Schünënfrëügüël, chairwoman of the Inernational Association for the Promotion of the Umlaut, claimed that poor media coverage and general American apathy to the plight of the umlaut was to blame for this year's lackluster turnouts at umlaut festivals and umlaut parades nationwide. "Wë müst rëspëct thë ümläüt, ör ït wïll dïsäppëär," Dr. von Schünënfrëügüël said.

In Mexico, however, the concurrently-held Dia del Tilde was a smashing success, according to event organizers. Some festival-goers became so excited that they even began flipping exclamation points and question marks upside down and placing them at the beginnings of exclamatory and interrogative sentences, respectively, for greater emphasis.

"¡Wöw, thöse Mëxïcäns süre knöw höw tö trëät ä lëxïcäl äppëndägë!" von Schünënfrëügüël enthused. "Ï'll bë brïngïng thïs üp ät nëxt yëär's cönfërëncë, thät's för sürë."

Bush to Begin Spending "Political Capital"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced on Monday that newly re-elected President Bush will start spending what he calls "politcial capital earned from getting re-elected." In his first speech after Kerry conceded the election, Bush began referring to a brand new form of money that he received after winning the support of the American people. "You see, when you win a popularity contest, I mean the Presidential election, it confirms all of your thoughts that the American people love you," Bush continued to say "not only do they love me, but they all took out their check books and awarded me copious amounts of political capital." When asked how he plans to spend his newly acquired wealth, Bush stated "On a cream cheese pinata, of course, but that's just the beginning. I'm not gonna spend it all on cream cheese Mexican party devices, I have other plans, you just wait and see." McClellan refused to speculate as to what the President will now do with his capital, but The Daily Scoffer has received a classified list that was taken off of the President's desk in the Oval Office. It read as follows:

How to Spend Political Capital
By George

Cream Cheese Pinata
Six Pack of Vasoline
Fly Swatters(two)
French Flag
Lighter Fluid
Matches
Day spent hanging out with Jose Canseco
"I Heart Long Duck Dong" bumper sticker

Poland Switches to Columns

The country of Poland, historical homeland of the Poles, will begin using columns for all of its architectural load-bearing needs beginning this month, the Polish National Assembly declared on Friday. Columnists were overjoyed at hearing the news, while race car drivers scheduled to start in first place were generally opposed to the change.

In other regional news, after millennia of famine conditions Hungary finally invaded Turkey. High levels of L-Tryptophan prevented the Turkish military from mounting a timely defense of their homeland. Furthermore, the Turks were surprised by the Hungarians' unorthodox style of attack--the Hungarian army got a good running start and slid all the way across Greece and right up to the Turkish border.

It is rumored that Chile tried to send reinforcements to Turkey, but that Hungary intercepted them before they could reach their destination.

'National Spotlight' Operators on Strike

The Guild of National Spotlight Operators today announced that negotiations with the federal government had failed, and that they would strike beginning at midnight tonight. Lenny Wheeler, Guild spokesperson, said that between the Scott Peterson case, the Martha Stewart case, Britney Spears' nuptial adventures, the recent presidential campaign, and the release of new Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries, the national spotlight has been in almost constant use. Management's refusal to grant labor's requests for higher overtime pay and better dental benefits left the guild with little choice but to go on strike, according to Wheeler.

In order to bridge the gap, Secretary of Hype, Browbeating, and Bamboozlement Donna Shalala this morning federalized the National Guard, which will begin fanning out across the country tomorrow in small puppeteer troupes in order to whip the national polity into a frenzy over excruciatingly inconsequential minutiae.

U.S. Treasury Gets Pay-Day Advance

U.S. Treasury secretary John Snow made an early morning visit to "Easy Money Pay-Day Advance" to cover the U.S. budget until payday on April 15, 2005. "People assume that the U.S. just mints this stuff", Snow sighed as he held up a handful of Benjamin's, "but we only get paid once a year and sometimes lame-duck appropriations bill's just won't wait." Snow said that the U.S. government, once a proud and respected institution, had taken out a signature loan of $6,420,690,324.05 to cover corporate tax cuts, the draining of the Everglades, federally funded abortions, Tom Daschle's farewell luncheon and body armor for troops in Iraq. (Snow said that the body armor was thrown in so that any senator that voted against going to "Easy Money" could be repeatedly accused of voting against body armor.) The bill that gave Snow permission to get the loan has been dubbed the "Easy Money Act" by hill insiders but will publicly be called the "McCain-Biden Awesome America Bill".

Al Gore Jockeying for White House Mailroom Supervisor Post in 2008

Al Gore, who lost the race for president in 2000 to George W. Bush, is said to be jockeying for a position as White House mailroom supervisor if a Democrat is elected in 2008. Others also being considered for the job are John Sununu, Lawrence Eagleburger, Bishop Desmond Tutu, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and Carrot-Top.

The White House mail supervisor is 45,000th in line for the presidency, immediately behind St. Lawrence Spillway Visitors' Center brochure editor and Meow Mix advertising talent scout, but just ahead of The Daily Scoffer two-bit wisecracker.

al Aqsa Asthmatics Brigade Missed Arafat's Homecoming

Members of the al Aqsa Asthmatics Brigade missed their chance to attend the homecoming of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat on Friday, citing high particulate matter concentrations in the air, as well as dangerous ozone levels.

"We wanted to go, really we did," explained Yusuf al Islam al Catstevens al Teaforthetillerman al Tikriti, "but fellow brigadier Abdul was a bit sniffly, and when I saw the weather report, and checked my personal hygrometer, I knew it was a day best spent indoors. We will make it to the next humiliating display of the inefficacy of Palestinian 'leadership', and will join our brothers in making bedlam. Oh, and death to Israel, death to America."

The al Aqsa Asthmatics Brigade garnered worldwide attention in 1998, when it delcared an intifada against airborne allergens and powdery mold.

Pinko, Twit Fade Away; Hitlerina Gearing Up for 2008

Uncle Ho-derriere smoocher John Kerry and his twit running mate John Edwards have swiftly faded from the spotlight (sources suggest they may be using Kerry's boat) after their failed run for the White House. Mealy-mouthed Democratic spokesmen (and -women!) around the nation expressed dismay at the outcome of the election, but hinted that they were looking forward to wasting millions of dollars on the next spineless loser's campaign.

Meanwhile, ex-Gorgon Hillary Clinton was heard muttering "Agamemnon, Agamemnon!" in her Senate office on Friday, as aides explained she was debating whether or not to seek the presidency in 2008. "It's not a question of whether I wish to run," Clinton explained in a statement issued Friday afternoon, "but, rather, a question of whether my husband will allow me to sacrifice Chelsea in order to seal the fate of my opponent, whoever that may be. The legal question is, then, 'can a girl whose soul has already been auctioned off to allow her father to win twice in the Gilded Nineties become a valid sacrificial victim for her mother, as well?' I have secured the counsel of Dan'l Webster and will make my final decision based upon his findings."

White House Pushing Lame Duck Protection Bill through Congress

The White House is lobbying hard for passage of the Lame Duck Protection Act, a bill currently in committee in the lower house that would make hunting for, shooting at, laughing at, jeering at, looking askance at, or misquoting lame ducks a felony offense.

The lame duck (anas claudae) is the rarest of American waterfowl. There is only one every four or eight years.

Ashcroft Retires in Order to Spend More Time Fingerprinting Family

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced last week that he will be resigning his position in February in order to spend more time fingerprinting his family.

"I haven't fingerprinted my children in months," Ashcroft lamented, "and the last time I ran my wife's retinal scans through the FBI computers was in August. I have no idea what she might have gotten into since then."

Ashcroft, who caused a stir in 2002 by suggesting that President George Bush may have overstayed his presidency visa, will be replaced by a giant meat grinder, through which will pass all those who wish to live, work, study, or travel in the United States.

On learning of this, Ashcroft said, "Heck, we had a meat grinder. But I had it set to 'Commies Only'. Now they tell me...".

Muqtada al-Sadr to Release "Ululating to the Oldies"

Firebrand Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr will release his newest workout video, "Ululating to the Oldies", on Monday.

Apart from being a vital source of revenue for al-Sadr's operations, his line of workout tapes are also key components in every insurgent's training regimen. For example, some budding anarchists who watch al-Sadr's programs learn how to ululate for maximum hatred-sculpting, while others prefer the rage-toning track. "Ululating for Buns of Steel" and "Ululating Your Way to a Slimmer You" were among last year's most popular episodes in this best-selling series.

Sorry, no delivery is available. "Ululating to the Oldies" is sold only in al-Sadr's louse-infested hovel, or at the Fallujah Gap.

Palestinians Seriously Over-react To Peterson Verdict

In an unexpected show of emotion over a seemingly routine event half a world away Palestinians took to the streets of Ramallah today as the verdict of guilty was returned for Scott Peterson. Residents of the West-Bank and Gaza climbed telephone poles, fired AK-47's in the air and women donned black to walk wailing prayers through the streets. "It is quite flattering but I don't see why I am so important to them," the ethnocentric Peterson was quoted as saying, "they must get court t.v."

In unrelated news, Yasser Arafat was transported from his funeral in Cairo, Egypt to be buried at his former compound today.

Colombia, Palestine to Hold Coup d'Etat/Riot Exchange

Top-level leaders from Colombia, which experiences a coup d'etat roughly once every fourteen hours, and Palestine, which is in a near-perpetual state of pandemonium, agreed yesterday to hold a summit in December in order to exchange expertise on violent, sudden changes of governments, and on quelling uprisings of unemployed societal dregs.

It was unclear where the summit would take place, but sources from both sides expressed a desire to "get as far away [from Colombia and Palestine] as is humanly possible."

At the time of this writing, there had been three new administrations in Colombia and five assassinations of summit organizers in Palestine, leaving the future of the talks in doubt. One Palestinian official, who requested that his name be withheld, said, "perhaps we can just agree to walk out on the balconies of our respective walled compounds at a certain time and fire our automatic weapons into the air as a gesture of friendship/mutual desperation."

Colombian generals with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke seemed open to the idea, right up until the time they were summarily executed by their lieutenants.

Who Will Hijack Planes and Murder Israeli Children Now?

Where have you gone, Yasser Arafat? Who will take your place? Who will co-opt the legitimate cause of Palestinian autonomy for his own ends, squeeze billions of dollars out of the ruined Palestinian economy, hijack planes, and send brainwashed minions to murder hundreds of innocent Israeli citizens, including children and pregnant women? Who will wear towels on his head as dashingly as you did? Who will mix blue-and-white checks and olive fatigues with as much panache? Who will allow the sniveling French to kiss his arse in a most unmanly display of appeasement; who will smile big for the cameras, talk tough for the papers, and allow gangs of armed thugs to terrorize Jew, Muslim, and Christian families alike? Who, I ask, who will do the world this service now?

'Oh, bereft of great men doth the sad globe spiral
More mournfully now, bearing heavy parades,
For gone is the two-timing, smooth-talking, back-stabbing,
Most ineffectual King of Charades.'

New Medicine Cures Confusion Over New Medicines

Gulliblex, a new medicine developed by Glaxo Laboratories and approved for use yesterday by the Food and Drug Administration, will, according to researchers, help patients who are currently suffering from confusion and disorientation as a result of seeing so many medicine commercials that never explain what in the world the medicine being advertised is for. This painful condition, known as common sense, may manifest itself in symptoms such as nagging doubt, perplexity, chronic desire to ridicule, and persistent unwillingness to suffer fools. People who think they may have common sense are encouraged to see their doctor, and to ask him to prescribe Gulliblex in horse doses at maximum cost to the federal government.

The FDA cautions that side effects of Gulliblex may include beri beri, scurvy, and becoming a Democrat. If you are already a Democrat, there is no need to begin a Gulliblex regimen--you are already immune.

Museum of Fezzes, Kaffiyehs, and Yarmulkes To Offer Top-Dollar for Arafat's Headgear

The International Museum of Fezzes, Kaffiyehs, and Yarmulkes is said to be in heated negotiations with Palestinian officials over the price of departed leader Yasser Arafat's distinctive head-wrap, known as a kaffiyeh. The museum is offering one hundred dollars, but the Palestinian delegation says it is worth much less than that. They announced that they wouldn't part with it for a farthing more than five farthings (one farthing=one-half guinea=.232 krugerrands=12 crowns=three-tenths of a guilder).

You may visit the Museum at its main location in Cairo, Egypt, or at its satellite locations in Denver, Jerusalem, beside Lake Titicaca, and in the basement of the first welcome center as you enter the eastern end of the Khyber Pass. Admission is 11,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dinars (one dinar=five farthings--see above), and on Tuesdays children under 12 and all hajis and mujahedeen get in free.

Don Evans, Say It Ain't So!

World fiancial markets lay in ruins Wednesday after the announcement by Secretary of Commerce Don Evans that he would soon be retiring from President George Bush's cabinet.

"We have lost all will to go on," said Li Guoxiong, spokesman for the Finance Department of the People's Republic of China. Others around the world echoed Li's sentiments, such as Nakano Masanori of Japan's Banking Oversight Commission, who told a reporter, "many of our employees did not show up for work today, citing the ending of the Evans era as the reason for their absence." Holland, Djibouti, India, Chile, and most of the Federated States of Micronesia declared a day of mourning and cancelled all government services out of respect for the departing Secretary.

Bush was said to be considering replacing Evans with a cardboard cutout of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, who would perform essentially the same duties as Evans did, but for a much lower salary. Al Gore is rumored to be second in line for the position.

Let's All Celebrate European Weirdos and their Rapacious Greed

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate the several foolhardy religious fanatics who boarded a leaky wooden boat and set sail across the frigid Atlantic Ocean in order to be free to practice their creepy cult-like brand of fringe Christianity on land they would steal from the people already living there. What merriment does this not inspire? Come one, come all to share in the harvest, eked out of the stony New England earth by folks who knew more about fulminating than about farming. Yea, stolen from the icy grip of approaching old man winter, the year's bounty was made possible by the most famous sap in world history, Squanto, who kindly showed the pilgrims how to cheat him out of everything his tribe had. Let us commemorate this great moment in our history! All who admire these brave travelers, their extreme intolerance, and their boundless greed--meet me at the cornucopia for an evening of good-cheer and glee!

Try New Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce

Procter and Gamble is proud to announce the release of its newest body-care product--Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce. Worn by such notables as Dr. Phil McGraw, George Steinbrenner, and Diane Sawyer, Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce is a zesty way to spice up your underarms.

Blended to complement Procter and Gamble's entire line of Southwest-inspired wares, Southwest Sizzlin' Deodorant with Chipotle Sauce is said to go best with the clean, manly scent of Crusty Dungarees Saddle-Rash Flare-Up After Shave and Back O' The Outhouse Body Soap with Sumac Crystals. But bring a rope when you go shoppin', 'cause you'll likely meet with a regular Texas-sized riot in the toiletries aisle!

Kate Moss to Appear on Rolling Stone

Model Kate Moss will appear on the cover of the December issue of Rolling Stone magazine; it will be Moss' first time on a Rolling Stone.

In related news, People magazine's "50 Sexiest Pundits Alive" issue is set to hit newsstands tomorrow. William Safire and Maureen Dowd top this year's male and female categories, respectively, while William F. Buckley will be granted a special lifetime achievement award for 'Most Repulsive Dry-Mouth in the Business'. People editors hinted that James Carville may or may not win 'Pundit Who Most Resembles a Wet Marmoset', suggesting that this year's race remains wide-open.

Serious Inquiries Only

We here at The Daily Scoffer have jumped on the Bush/Cheney bandwagon of job creation and will try to do our part in helping unemployed TDS readers find new jobs. The following jobs should only be applied for by serious applicants only. Good Luck!

Seasonal Leviathan needed. McCloud, Utah is looking for a Leviathan to inhabit it's lake during the holiday season. Competetive pay based upon experience. Membership in the "MMoSD" Union (monsters, madmen and other scary dudes) helpful, but not neccessary. At least 1000 years experience of being a Leviathan neccessary.

"Bob Newhart" impersonator. The Dirty Nugget Casino Reno, Nevada is putting together a stage show of favorite TV personalities of past decades. "Bob Newhart" will headline the star-studded cast that includes "Bud" from the Cosby Show, "Tooty" from Facts of Life, "Charlie Dietz" from Empty Nest and "Det. Tony Baretta" from Baretta

Fjord Navigator/Shortshoreman 1-800-WEFJORD

An Open Letter To Carbs From Fat America

Dear Carbohydrates:
We here in Obese America (a.k.a. All of America) owe you a deep and heart felt apology. For over 2 years now we have blamed you for everything that is wrong in our lives and now that we have gained back all of the weight from our "Atkins Diet" and have tripled our risk of heart disease in the process we have come to realize that it was rash to cut you out of our lives all together. In hindsight we have come to realize that a diet that consisted of all bacon and sausage was not exactly "balanced" but how were we to know? Also, sorry for calling you Carbs all the time, we know your name is Carbohydrate and we apologize for getting so familiar. In addition we realize now that is was pretty retarded to call things completely devoid of all carbohydrates "carb friendly". Now that we look at things from your perspective pushing you out of our diets and slandering your name to all that would listen could be construed as downright "unfriendly". Lastly, our bad for blaming you for SARS, foot and mouth, adult onset diabetes and the Madrid train bombings. We were way out of line.

Sorry,

Obese America

Akron Spells Death For 2 Popular Franchises

Today is a sad day for fans of both gratuitously graphic police dramas and geographically themed t-shirts as Akron, Ohio spells death for C.S.I. and The Hard Rock Cafe. The fall from stardom was a long time coming for Hard Rock. The restaurant has survived recent near fatal cities such as Gatlinburg, TN and Branson, MO, but expanding into Akron has provided the death blow. By moving into a city with only minimal ties to rock and roll (i.e. S-99.3 Akrons Smooooth Rock Station)and little or no tourist presence Hard Rock has effectively lost all the credibility that the once trendy and independent punk-rock burger-joint with cool t-shirts that have names of places on them your friends want to go / rock museum had left. Now even tourists to London from small American towns will dismiss H.R.C. as a dining option because "we want to eat somewhere you can't eat at home" before going to the 8 story London GAP. The fall from grace was more rapid for C.S.I. but still came as no surprise. After exploring every single way that one could kill a man (and subsequently be brought to justice) in N.Y., Miami, Las Vegas, Chicago and L.A. the show has committed certain suicide by deciding to focus on the vibrant Akron crime scene. The first two episodes, "The Cow-Killer" and "The Cow-Molester" both finished last in their time-slot behind Law and Order: Small Claims Court and Survivor-Great Plains.

Richard Reid and the Sneakers Release Greatest Hits

In hopes that music will indeed tame the most savage beast, the U.S. Army has allowed the inmates being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to form a house band to play at the weekly "Pork Free Pig-Out and Beach Party". The beach party is attended by all inmates who have refrained from tom foolery in the preceding week. (Tom foolery is defined as throwing feces at guards, digging holes in cell floors and refusing to break under torture.) The band has quickly become a hit around "Git-Mo" and has just released a new album that includes 11 new tracks and one cover. The Daily Scoffer has acquired an early release of the disk, here are the tracks you can look forward to hearing:

1. Don't Cry For Me Tora Bora
2. On Jihad Again
3. Raspberry Burqah
4. I Left My Sleeper Cell in San Francisco (Feat. The Lackawanna Six)
5. Hard Candy Ramadaan
6. I Can't Get No (legal representation)*
7. Blowin' Up Georgia On My Mind
8. Private Eyes (are watching me poop in a bucket)
9. You Can't Martyr This
10. Fatwa of '69
11. These Boots Are Made For Explodin'
12. Unchained Melody

*Produced by John Walker Lindh

Stay tuned to The Daily Scoffer for the most up to the minute entertainment headlines.

Valerie Bertinelli Fan Club Disbands; Dozens Disappointed

The Valerie Bertinelli Fan Club, dedicated to celebrating the life and work of the 80s breakout sitcom One Day at a Time star, will close its doors next Friday, leaving dozens of devoted fans without a forum for sharing their love for the multi-talented actress.

Especially saddened by the decision were the club's executive officers; Treasurer Louis Gossett, Jr., Secretary Joey Lawrence, Vice-President Tony Danza, and President Dustin Diamond all expressed dismay at the decision.

Lawrence issued a taped statement in which he spoke on behalf of the group, saying, "Whoa!"

Al Roker to Receive TOMMY Award

NBC weatherman and certifiable lunatic Al Roker is slated to receive the Token Minority of the Year (TOMMY) award at a ceremony to be held at Radio City Music Hall this Saturday night. Roker, who holds no position of real responsibility at NBC, was given the job of Today Show meteorologist in a blatant attempt by the network to garner more black viewers for its notoriously white audience-focused programming.

This year's nominees include Lisa Ling of ABC's The View, Good Morning America's Spencer Christiansen, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno's own Kevin Eubanks, and every Secretary of Education and Secretary of Labor in American history.

Event organizers expect a lot of awkward patronizing and guilt-ridden self-deprecation on the part of all whites in attendance.

Martyr Reunion Sparsely Attended

The al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade held its annual Martyrs Reunion and 10K Fundraiser Kickoff Bash on Thursday, an event that historically has been very lightly attended.

"The only people who come here are those who did not properly wire their pipe bombs," complained Abdul al Kablam al Kapowie, himself a failed suicide bomber. "Look over there, do you see that guy? That is Jared Pinkerton al Dorqawi, a recruit from Idaho. The only thing that happened when he pushed his button was that a silly camera on a spring popped out of his jacket--all he could do was smile and take a picture of the bewildered crowd around him. Every bomber knows: red for boom-boom, yellow for click-click--and pink or blue for emergency pacifier."

When al Kapowie was asked what had happened to foil his plans to murder some innocent children and their families, the 19 year-old Syrian native shrugged and said, "Ah, I decided I'd rather go back home and play video games."

al Kapowie was wearing a 'I Came This Close To Martyrdom, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt' T-shirt.

Constitution Declared Unconstitutional

The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, which in 2002 ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional, yesterday unanimously declared the Constitution of the United States of America to be, in fact, unconstitutional.

Judge Willy Wetbottom wrote the representative opinion, explaining that, "the Founding Fathers' assumption that there was any God whatsoever, and thus any legitimacy to the churches from which they were attempting to separate the fledgling Republic, is deeply disturbing, and is offensive to all who believe--sorry, bad choice of words--to all who hold that rank atheism was the true guiding principle of the framers of our democracy. Furthermore, not one of the signatories to the Constitution was a woman, nor were there any homosexual, minority, or illegal immigrant delegates present at the signing. Therefore, we, the court, deem the document null and void."

Upon hearing the news, a man named Noah began constructing a forty cubit-long boat in preparation for some "big water" that he believed would follow quickly on the court's ruling.

NOAA Releases 'Wish List'

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration today issued a wish list of sorts, entitled, "The Top Ten Meteorologically-Themed Musical Performer/Group Names We'd Like to See in 2005". The list in full (starting from the bottom):

10. El Nino y los guapos
9. Weak Cold Frontin'
8. High Pressure Dome-ingo/Carreras/Pavarotti
7. Upper-Level Disturbance
6. DJ Jet Stream
5. Billy Ray Cirrus
4. Gale Waterspout and the Funnel Cloud-ettes
3. Thunderhead
2. The Feeder Band
1. The Small Craft Advisories (feat. Light Chop)

This is the first such list to be issued by a government agency.

VP Buoyed by Chants of 'Four More Sneers'

Vice-President Dick Cheney admitted to feeling "inspired" by the chants of 'Four More Sneers! Four More Sneers!' that greeted him as he stepped off of Air Force Two in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, after it had become all-but-certain that he and President George Bush would return for a second term at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

"I've snickered, and I've chortled, and I've sneered derisively all across this great country, and now to see that it's finally paying off--well, it makes me want to grimace contemptuously for a while," said Cheney, who was visibly moved by the crowd's gesture. In a cell-phone call lasting some forty-five minutes, Cheney and Bush, respectively, huffed and guffawed in an apparently-private language shared only by the two men themselves.

Whigs Take Hit in Election

The Whig Party sustained a heavy blow in the elections Tuesday, dropping every single race in which it had entered a candidate. The party of Zachary Taylor and William Henry Harrison issued a statement which read, "all those who value states' rights have suffered a defeat this week--but we will press on, recruiting new members who care about Tippecanoe and about the Missouri Compromise. We may be down, but we're not out."

Whig campaign headquarters, which can be reached only with a letter written on vellum with a quill pen, may take a fortnight or more to respond to The Daily Scoffer's request for an interview with party higher-ups.

Bush's Message to the World: 'If the Name of Your Country Ends in -ran, -stan, or -orth Korea, Watch Out'

President Bush opened up his foreign policy platform speech this morning with some tough talk for those who may be thinking of crossing him in the next four years. While declining to address his threats to specific nations, Bush sternly announced that "if the name of your country ends in -ran, -stan, or -orth Korea, you'd better watch out, because we're coming for you and we're not bringing any letters like I or Uzbeki or N to put you back together when we're through thrashing the living daylights out of you."

Bush also said that he was pleased with Russian president Vladimir Putin's ringing endorsement of his re-election, adding, "there's no disputin', nor is there any refutin', I love Putin, yes, I love Putin. You're durned tootin', and I swear by Rasputin, that I love Putin, yes, I love Putin."

When asked to respond to Bush's comments, Putin smiled broadly and said, "Ah, my little Ba-Bushsky!"

Kerry Campaign Chief Laments Time Spent Courting Latvian Vote

Kerry campaign strategist Tad Devine today revealed in an interview with The Washington Post that deep divisions within the Democratic camp over whom to beckon into the Kerry fold may have wound up costing the Massachusetts senator the presidency.

"I kept saying, 'Forget the Latvians, let's go after the crucial East Timorian immigrant base', but, nooooo, some people in charge were too good to listen to me," said Devine.

Had Kerry won every East Timorian immigrant's vote this election he might have surged eleven to twelve votes in the polls, Devine asserts.

Bush Vows to Reach out across Aisle...and Slap Ted Kennedy

In his acceptance speech on Wednesday, President George W. Bush vowed to "reach out across the aisle to Democrats" in a spirit of reconciliation after the bitterly-contested campaign for the White House.

However, most members of the audience, and almost all who viewed the speech on television, were unable to catch what Bush muttered under his breath right after he uttered the word 'Democrats' in the line quoted above. In point of fact, if one listens closely one can hear Bush promising to "reach out across the aisle to Democrats (and to slap Ted Kennedy right in his lobster-hole for being a low-down dirty liberal, and a Yankee to boot)". This is in keeping with George W. Bush's curious custom of occasionally inserting meaning-twisting lines into key passages of important public announcements. For example, at his inauguration speech in January of 2001, Bush, in actuality, agreed to "preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States (of Argentina, Bolivia, and Lesotho)."

Homesick Arafat Requests Suicide Nurses

A homesick Yasser Arafat, who just yesterday declared an intifada against bad hospital food, this afternoon requested that he be attended to only by suicide nurses, who, after checking his blood pressure and updating his chart, were to jump out of the window in Arafat's suite and plummet 24 stories to the ground below.

Arafat released a statement to the press that read, "I have requested suicide nurses because the French don't seem to know anything about running a hospital. None of the doctors will obey my fatwas, and none of the surgeons seem to have the slightest inkling as to how to fix a jammed AK-47. However, I am feeling better after a steady diet of mullah loaf and Molotov cocktails, and I am touched by the many lovely shrapnel bouquets that have poured in from all over the world."

As a gesture of goodwill to the French for their efforts on his behalf, Arafat gave an order to Hamas to move France from number three to number four on the "List of Countries Where the Streets Will Run Red With Blood", an order which Hamas subsequently ignored.

Indians Look Forward to Four More Years of Paleface Hegemony

Native American tribal leaders across the United States reacted with joy after learning the outcome of the presidential election early Wednesday morning.

Chief Darrell Eaglefeather, spokesman for the Cherokee Nation, told The Daily Scoffer, "We can't wait for four more years of the white man's dominance over our sacred lands, and of the white man's shamelessly crass co-opting of our deeply spiritual aboriginal culture. It's a real treat to live under paleface suzerainty, emasculated by whisky and welfare and reduced to sad shadows of our formerly proud selves. Wow, so a white guy won--that's great news."

Top Republican strategist Karl Rove was confident that a couple of shots of President George W. Bush wearing a turquoise-studded bolero tie had "sealed the deal with the fickle Injun electorate." Chief Eaglefeather declined to respond to Rove's insights.

North Korea to Rename Nodong Missile after John Kerry

North Korea's official newspaper, the Rodong Ilbo ("Workers' Daily"), reported yesterday that the communist country would be renaming its long-range missiles "John Kerrys" as a consolation to the Massachusetts senator whose recent bid to turn the United States into a crippled socialist nightmare of a country ended Thursday after the American electorate came to its senses.

The missiles had previously been named "Nodong" missiles; undisclosed sources within the U.S. Congress reflected acidly that the renaming seemed to convey exactly the same meaning as before.

Donald Trump to Frank Serpico: "You're Wired"

Frank Serpico made a surprise cameo appearance on NBC's hit show "The Apprentice" last week, only to become the butt of a long-planned practical joke as billionaire tycoon Donald Trump leveled an emotionless "You're wired" at Serpico at the end of the show. Much hilarity subsequently ensued as a dismayed Serpico slunk out of the boardroom's big wooden doors and off camera.

Other cameo appearances on "The Apprentice" in the past, and Trump's parting shots at them: Donald Rumsfeld ("You're quaqmired"); Quasimoto ("You're spired"); Billy Graham ("You're choired"); recently-conceived blastocyte ("You're sired"); unrepentant witch ("You're pyred"); and the man who ran and swam ten times around the world ("You're tired").

How To Keep Off Those Holiday Pounds

With Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner we here on The Daily Scoffer health staff would like to offer some advice on how to make sure those holiday treats don't make you any more obese than you already are.

1. Don't buy your children any Christmas presents. Presents=Mall and Mall=Pretzel Time. Don't risk it. The kids will understand.

2. To avoid constant snacking on left overs make sure you eat everything on the table when you sit down to that holiday meal. It is better to eat an entire pecan pie on Thanksgiving than a piece a day for the next 2 weeks.

3.When taking communion this season only eat half of the wafer.

4.Remember: Cranberry Sauce is the enemy.

5. Work off those calories by sleeping with your wife's sister while she is out caroling.

6. Remember to purge after every meal.

Happy Holidays!

Possible Concession Speech

Bush: "Hello"
Kerry: "I hate everything you stand for"
Bush: "Thank you! I love ponies"
Kerry: "I stole your hat and am in the midst of pooping directly inside of it. Please wear it the next time I see you"
Bush: "Nossir, can't do"
Kerry: "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"
Bush: "Great campaign. We should do it again sometime"
Kerry: "I hope you choke on fruitcake this holiday season"
Bush: "Come by and see me at the White House if you get a chance"
Kerry: "I concede"
Bush: "I love America more than you"
Kerry: "I hope you fornicate with goats"
Bush: "Buh-bye"
Kerry: "Bastard!"

EXCLUSIVE EXIT POLL RESULTS!

The Daily Scoffer has bribed, lied and cajoled and has a acquired the following early exit poll results:

(Margin of error+/- 3%)

*voters who exit after voting -------------------97%

*voters with children who left them in car ------56%

*voters who lied about length of line to
boss to miss more work------------------------88%

*voters who are now experiencing
"voters remorse" ------------------------------69%

*voters who wrote in random celebrity for
state representative -------------------------- 1%

*voters who wrote in Carl Winslow
for state representative -----------------------2%

*voters who are disenfranchised by high
poll tax (Mississippi only)--------------------42%

*voters who heart the Daily Scoffer ------------100%

**Stay tuned for more news as it breaks.**

I.F.B.R. Hopes for Recount

A spokesman for the international and Fraternal Brotherhood of Recounters reaffirmed the suspicions of the Daily Scoffer when he admitted after several cocktails that he and his organization are hoping for a hotly-contested election followed by a long and internationally embarrassing recount. "I know that it would be a severe blackeye for the American democratic process and would undermine U.S. credibility on the world stage but another recount would really help the wife and I be able to afford that trip the Lake Powell that we have had our eye on", said Mr. Mistally. Mr. Mistally went on the say that while the I.F.B.R. has had plenty of work for the past year recounting Iraqi weapons stockpiles, American Idol votes and Michael Jackson nose jobs, a presidential recount would be an enormous windfall for the organization. "I hate to take pleasure in the failure of others," lamented Mistally, "but I am really rooting against the I.F.B.I.C. (International and Fraternal Brotherhood of Initial Counters).

French Citizens Protest Outrageous Laundry Bill

The arrival of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat and his contingency in Paris on Wednesday has swiftly put an unforeseen strain on the French economy, as all of the delegation's headwear and clownishly fake army-fatigues must be laundered five times a day while facing Mecca, according to Middle Eastern custom. Parisian laundresses took to the streets this morning in the City of Lights, crying "Mangez-vous du merde, Arafat!" in a display of their unhappiness over the sudden quintupling of their already-heavy work load.

Palestinian officials declined to comment, but in a separate incident lifestyle-guru-at-large Steven Cojocaru called al-Jazeera headquarters to claim responsibility for Osama bin Laden's robe, which the Saudi exile debuted on his most recent videotape, released Friday. "The satin trim was muted but SMOLDERING," enthused Cojocaru, "and, oh, the beard was pillar-rific. Don't you dare change a thing, Sammy, you devil, except maybe your vituperous anti-Semitism."

Terrorists Training Camp Videos Useful to Pentagon

Sec'y of Defense Donald Rumsfeld held a press conference at the Pentagon early on Friday addressing certain terrorists videos that have been shown repeatedly on national news. The videos portray a picture of terrorists world-wide attending camps at undisclosed locations training to, well, reign terror to all western nations(that means you France). "It appears that these cretans are superb at negotiating monkey bars, excellent at running through tires that are tied together and most horrific of all, unbelievably agile on the six inch balance beam," Rumsfeld said at Friday's press conference. Being able to perform the aforementioned tasks, successfully, means sure apocoliptic destruction for all on those on the receiving end of this inhumanity. Rumsfeld later admitted, when questioned by the press, that our military had no way of defending the country against these tactics. "It looks like we must send our troops to elementary school playgrounds throughout the nation in order to better prepare ourselves to properly fight terrorism!"

Porcelain Company Goes Broke

Midlothian Porcelain, LLC, of Cranberry Hills, VT, went broke yesterday. Company officials announced that they would be sending their remaining wares to China.

In unrelated news, Weaver Fish Farms went belly-up, Trotsky-Tots Communist Playwear Corp. went into the red, Armored Vehicle Works tanked, and Silky Lady Brassieres, Inc., went bust.

Passion of the Christ #1 Halloween costume

Proving once again that nothing in our society is sacred and people will stop at nothing to exploit the death of God's Son, the best selling costume this season is that of Jesus, or as a new generation now knows him, that guy from "The Passion". The $9.95 ensemble comes complete with crown of thorns, cloak and fake blood and scar kit, all of which do not even come close to depicting the suffering that Christ felt on that fateful day. Other popular costumes this year include Buzz Lightyear, John Kerry and non-partisan media pundit.

Local News Station Accidentally Reports News

Local broadcasting station KHNL accidentally included some actual news in its 5 PM news program yesterday, a slip-up which resulted in the firing of the station's general manager, Curtis Willoughby. After several fictitious weather segments, a story about some elementary school kids making paper hats, and a ten-minute-long, in-depth look at whether or not the new fish-breading bucket was worth $19.95, producers suddenly cut to anchor Don Masterson explaining the intricacies of the latest upper-level Israeli-Palestinian summit currently underway in Geneva, Switzerland.

KHNL's switchboard was immediately flooded with calls from angry viewers demanding that the station return to its regularly scheduled fare of vacuous tripe. Masterson was forced to retract his statements at the beginning of the six o'clock broadcast, after which he finger-painted a giant picture of an elephant with co-anchor Lori Sweeney for almost twenty minutes.

Man Consumes Self

In a last-ditch effort to squeeze some sort of satisfaction and meaning out of a life spent consuming products, Steve Shreeve, 48, of Dover, Delaware, on Wednesday consumed himself. In a note (written on very expensive paper) that investigators found at the scene, Shreeve appeared to explain his actions: "I'm vapid, useless, and, in the end, radically determined by the things I buy and use. This is my attempt to be a man, or at least a human being. My only regret is that I won't see the peak of fall fashions this year."

Shreeve, who drove five cars to work in order to consume more gasoline, rubber, glass, and steel, apparently swallowed his own body beginning with his face and working down to his lower extremities. Ironically, the Prilosec OTC that he regularly consumed in order to counter the adverse effects of over-consuming food and drink may have prolonged Shreeve's horrific death. Shreeve's wife, Margot, told reporters that she planned to buy 11 "exorbitantly priced" coffins and hold 45 funerals for her departed husband. "Steve would have wanted it that way," she said. "He would have wanted those funerals--and so, so much more."

Budapest to Host Buddha-Fest

Budapest has been chosen to be the host of the annual Buddha-Fest in 2005, organization officials announced today. The Hungarian capital's central location and easy access to Milan, Italy's Noodle-Fest, to be held simultaneously, were key factors in the decision, the officials said.

Buddha-Fest is a celebration of the life and teachings of Siddhartha Gautama, the historical Buddha; it is also a chance for Buddhist leaders and scholars from around the world to meet and discuss the future of the predominantly-Asian religion. However, there are many activities planned that would appear to be more secular in nature. For example, one elderly woman with a particular fondness for her little dog told this reporter that she had waited in line for over nine hours just to have her poodle blessed. And the festivities will begin with a special live performance by two bands that have merged especially for the occasion: "Hoobastank" and "A Tribe Called Quest" have been practicing under the tentative moniker "Hooba-Quest" in preparation for their debut on the Budapest Buddha-Fest stage on opening night.

Despite reassurances from planners and coordinators, some residents of Budapest are expressing concern over the large crowds that the religious festival is expected to draw. One local woman was upset over the close proximity of a nudist colony, and felt that event organizers were being irresponsible in advertising that true believers and merry-makers alike were invited to attend "nude or dressed". Budapest police say they are looking into the matter, noting that several members of the force had already volunteered to stake out the nudist colony in anticipation of any mischief. And the International Association of Large Horn Players (IALHP) issued a statement today reiterating that tryouts for the Large Horn Ensemble would still take place in the concert hall immediately adjacent to the Buddha-Fest grounds; hopefuls were instructed to follow the signs reading "This Way to Tuba Test".

The Dalai Lama, who arrived at last year's event in Bangladesh to wild throngs shouting, "You Da Best, You Da Best!", said he was looking forward to both 2005's festival in Hungary, and also to 2006's event in the Caribbean. Because of large scale destruction caused by several powerful hurricanes this year, Buddha-Fest, 2006, will be moved from Cuba, East, to Cuba, West.

Tattoo Quickly Regretted

It didn't take long for Kristy Boosenbocker, 18, of Duluth, Minnesota, to regret her new tattoo. Within two hours of the original inking, Boosenbocker became aware of the faint but distinct pang of misgivings; and by the time she woke up the next morning, she was having full-blown second thoughts.

While continuing to defend her decision to her parents and friends, Boosenbocker privately reflected that she likely would not want a picture of a butterfly and rose on her lower back when she was older and ready to leave her foolish teenage years behind her. "What if it's visible through my wedding dress?!?", she gasped inwardly in horror. "What if I want to look respectable and presentable someday?"

Boosenbocker's parents, Reg and Milly Boosenbocker, were not very surprised by their daughter's latest stunt. "She's been maintaining a state of open rebellion for years," sighed Mr. Boosenbocker. "If she doesn't care what we think, as she always makes sure to remind us, why does she go out of her way to provoke our ire? It is most illogical." Mrs. Boosenbocker concurred, lamenting that, "our daughter has never been a good kid. But at least she had, until now, left her own body out of her shenanigans and tomfoolery."

Upon hearing that her parents were so confounded by her new body art, Kristy began to feel much better about the way her Saturday night ended up.

Medicine's Own Drunk

Researchers at Appalachian State University have found a possible solution to the flu vaccine shortage: moonshine.

Extensive testing on lab animals and college students has proven that the strong alcoholic content of “shine” literally eats away the flu virus.

Test subjects were injected with a live sample of the virus. They then were given a pint of homemade corn whiskey. Within minutes the virus had been eliminated from the blood stream, leaving the subjects healthy and piss drunk.

Healthcare professionals admit that this may provide the answer to many Americans who do not qualify for flu vaccination. A statement released by the Centers for Disease Control says: “Tests have shown that the alcoholic substance known as “moonshine” and “white lightning” is a viable substitute for the flu vaccine, which is in short supply. The CDC urges those who cannot receive a flu shot to drink at least two pints a week.”

The findings have received the endorsement of Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy, who has long believed in the benefits of heavy alcohol consumption.

Doctors do warn there are some possible side effects, such as vomiting, drowsiness, impaired judgment, and self-urination.

Binge Drinking a Problem at Electoral College

Binge drinking has become a problem at campuses across the U.S., and the Electoral College is no exception. Students at the Electoral College, who have class only once every four years, during which they do nothing but vote as they are told, are particularly susceptible to the temptations that the relative freedom of college life affords.

Administrators at the Electoral College, which has no sports teams and no extracurricular activities, are looking into ways to help students channel their energy into more positive outlets. A random survey of students from other universities around the nation revealed that most would welcome the chance to play the Electoral College in any competitive event. "They're soft," taunted one offensive lineman from the Nebraska football squad, "but they're protected by the Constitution, so what are you gonna do? I'd like to give 'em a few torts to review, if you catch my drift."

(This reporter did not, in fact, catch his drift.)

Ponce de Leon 'Only Joking'

Recently-unearthed documents from Ponce de Leon's semi-legendary quest for the fountain of youth offer a tantalizing glimpse into the mind of the great explorer.

"But goodness me, I was amidst several fetching lasses at a party in Lisboa, when the next thing I know I am spouting on at the mouth about going to the New World to search for a Fountain of Youth," one document, apparently written in de Leon's own hand, explains. "They were so impressed, and I had been drinking a not-inconsiderable amount--and I found that I could not shut myself up. Before I knew it, I had talked myself into such a hole that I had no choice but to outfit several ships and to mount an expedition to Florida in search of that completely fictitious, accursed fountain. I was only joking, I tell you. What a mess I have made of my life; me and my big mouth."

It is unknown if de Leon ever revealed his secret misgivings to the crew of men he led across the trackless Florida swamps and quagmires. In the end, de Leon died just like every mortal man.

Castro's Arm Now Matches Cuban Economy

Cuban dictator Fidel Castro's nasty spill left him with an arm just as broken as the economy of the Caribbean island over which he presides, his team of doctors revealed yesterday.

"Senor Castro's arm is in smithereens," Juan Miguel Ruiz y Velazquez, M.D., said through a translator, "in this, it is exactly like the Cuban economy, which is based partly on half-baked Marxo-Leninism, and partly on Latin American inefficiency. El Presidente is also such a mix, long live el Presidente."

Ranking Republicans in the U.S. Senate said that Castro's injury will not affect the long-standing sanctions on Cuba--except that cast plaster and long sticks for scratching hard-to-reach places will now be added to the list.

Scientists Perfect Neutrino Bomb

Scientists at Los Alamos laboratories in New Mexico today confirmed reports that they have perfected a powerless new neutrino bomb, hinting that they were, in fact, exploding neutrino bombs in several major U.S. cities even as the press conference at the laboratories was underway.

The neutrino is a particle so small that it may comfortably said to possess no mass. Neutrinos are so tiny, in fact, that they regularly stream freely through the entire Earth without coming into contact with even a single atom.

When asked to explain the possible uses of the neutrino bomb, one scientist smiled and said, "psych-ops, my friend...psych-ops."

Kerry, Wife to Host Costume Ball

{culled from The Daily Scoffer's Society Pages}


Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry and his spouse, former Republican trophy-wife Teresa Heinz-Kerry, will be hosting a costume ball this weekend in anticipation of Hallowe'en. The theme will be "Platforms of Kerry"; guests will be asked to dress as John Kerry dressed when he held one of many positions on any number of issues, ranging from the controversial to the mundane.

In addition to the usual Beltway crowd, the (Heinz-)Kerrys have invited plenty of godless, self-worshiping musicians and Hollywood notables. Some of those in attendance will dress to reflect their feelings on hot-button issues of this present presidential campaign. Many flaky, inconsequential, and freakishly Botoxed starlets will likely use recent headlines merely as a springboard for self-promotion, but a few A-list heavyweights plan to make hard-hitting statements at the costume ball.

Meryl Streep, for example, who was artificially inseminated with material collected from Osama bin Laden, plans to abort her fetus on stage especially for the event. "After thousands of years of male oppression, women are finally free to murder their own children," exclaimed Streep. "Girl Power!"

Susan Sarandon concurred. "We shouldn't be sending our soldiers out to the desert to kill terrorists and dictators," she offered, "we should be training them to perform abortions right here at home. D&C is the new Botox," she playfully confided.

Michael Moore, who was originally scheduled to whine for a full thirty minutes after Kerry's opening remarks, was, in the end, not invited to the upcoming bash. Sources indicate that the snub may have something to do with Moore's having sued Kerry after last year's to-do, when he (Moore) was, in his words, "maliciously engaged in a debate on the issues, without my having access to any editing techniques that would have made everyone else in the room look like stammering buffoons while I showed footage of myself grinning knowingly under my halo."

And in related news, Democratic strategists are keen to reiterate that Mr. and Mrs. (Heinz-)Kerry themselves, who, somewhat akin to the witches in Macbeth, share one solitary testicle, should in no event be mistaken for Herman Munster and the bride of Frankenstein. "Kerry is a vivacious, active man," one junior staffer pointed out, "and his wife, the lovely Teresa, looks nothing like the psychopathic spouse of a walking patchwork of corpse-parts."

As a special precaution in these dangerous times, no one who believes in anything will be allowed entrance to the ball. "We don't want some fanatic ruining our party," explained the chief of security for all of Kerry's events. "We will however, be passing out lovely condoms and needles to the first 200 kids--this is, after all, a family-first campaign."

Pirate to Dress Up as Self

While Hallowe'en is a perennial challenge in costume creativity for most of us, Cap'n Robert "Tanglebeard" Jones of the black ship S.S. Misbegotten looks forward to the holiday every year with great anticipation.

"Arrrgh, a bloomin' pirate I be," said Jones. "I be dressin' up as meself every day of the long year, and there be no person on the Seven Seas that dare contradict me for 't."

Jones says he will likely leave his parrot, Mr. Saltybeaks, at home for the evening, as he does not want to overdo it and cause his 'costume' to appear forced or contrived. "I love Mr. Saltybeaks, aye, I do, but his raw cacklin' and foul cursin' will likely adversely affect the amount o' loot I'm able to rake in from those folks givin' out tricks and treats on All Hallows' Eve," explained the captain.

"But this do I swear," he continued, "if one li'l tyke calls me 'Cap'n Crunch' again this year, they'll take a long, long nap at the bottom o' the deep blue sea."

Kerry Also Undecided

In keeping with the newest trend in election-year politics, John Kerry has announced that he, too, is an undecided voter. "That bandwagon was rolling," Kerry said, "and I wanted to hop right on it. Yeah, I'm okay, but Bush makes some good points and seems stronger on terror. I tucked tail and ran the last time I was in the Grim Reaper's vicinity, so I'm not quite sure how I'll hold up in the next encounter."

Kerry supporters admitted to having mixed feelings about the Massachusetts senator's latest position shift. "Bush wants to draft unborn children into sweat shops that manufacture Halliburton global warming suicide bombers in support of Zionist environmental destruction and exploitative immigrant labor designed to thwart stem-cell research and Hillary Clinton's bid for the presidency," steamed one likely Kerry voter. "Kerry was against all that, intermittently, but now it seems he's waffling. Well, I'll take waffles any day, especially when they come free from the government. Long live my union."

Bush campaign officials were unsurprised by what they described as "the latest stunt in a third-rate circus act". Karl Rove, who is the combined reincarnation of Niccolo Machiavelli, Thomas Hobbes, Carl Schmitt, Leo Strauss, and, remarkably, the still-living Henry Kissinger, dismissed Kerry's platform retooling as "not very sinister". "I give it one-half sickle, out of a possible ten," he sniffed contemptuously.

The Daily Scoffer made several calls to Kerry's campaign headquarters, but apparently they have moved.